Let it be

Dear Minnow,
   Friday the genetic counselor, Mary a.ka, the barer of bad news called. She is a very nice woman and I am grateful for how compassionate she has been through this whole thing, she just sadly has the job of relaying all of the findings from the lab to us and so far most of the findings have been bad. She told us on Friday that the cells they were growing from the CVS for the next test were growing very slowly and may be contaminated from my cells, so long story short, you and I got to enjoy yet another needle in the stomach yesterday. Thankfully the amniocentesis was not quite as bad as the CVS was although the doctor had to push very very hard to get enough fluid which has mommy feeling like she took a folding chair to the side WWF style. We got to see you up on the screen during the procedure, you were squirming all around and laying upside down again, the doctors had to push on my stomach to get you to change positions, at which point you would simply roll over and play with your toes. We should find out how much information your little chromosomes are missing or have duplicated sometime next week. For now I am trying to push it out of my mind and enjoy our first Christmas together, please God, please don't let it be our last together.  I love you my little minnow. I am trying to have hope but I am so scared that I will only be hurt again and have to say goodbye to you all over again. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am young and that your daddy and I will have lots of other babies, I don't want another baby, I want you minnow!! I want  to hold you so badly and the thought that June will come without you hurts so badly. You are so strong baby, so much stronger than your mama. I am praying for you minnow. Know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and think about you every minute of everyday.
                           Love,
                          Fish