Dear Minnow,
I can barely keep my eyes but I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving little one. I've been thinking about you a lot today baby girl, one year ago today I was sitting by the fire up at the lodge sewing your baby blanket and praying for some sort of miracle as we waited for the results of the CVS to come in. I miss you Brennan. This year I am thankful for the time I had with you, I am thankful for the support and friendship of fellow baby loss mama's who have helped me through loosing your. I am thankful for your amazing daddy who put me back together after our world came crashing down. I am thankful to have family near, a career that I love, a belly full of food, sore cheeks from laughing so hard with friends today and your little sister in my belly. I am so scared that I will loose her too, but I am so thankful for this time I have with her. I know your with me minnow, every step of this journey. Please keep an eye on your little sister, please send her to us safe and sound. I love you with all my heart and I am so grateful you touched my life.
Love always,
Mommy
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
What They Don't Tell You..
Dear Minnow,
Okay this whole third trimester thing is new to me. This pregnancy I knew what to expect from the first two trimesters, I had them down, but this is new territory. I had my 34 week check up with the midwife this week and ending up going in with a huge list of "is this normal?". Now I frequent the usual parenting websites, thebump, parenting, babble, offbeatmama, babycenter ext., but I have come to the conclusion that they do a pretty piss poor job of accurately describing what your body will go through. Here are my real world translations:
"Morning Sickness"- yes they tell you that it will last all day, but what they don't tell you is that you probably won't be able to keep your eyes open for more than a few hours at a time. The websites also make it sound like your feel sick, puke your guts out and then feel better.... in all actuality you might puke and feel better for a bit then puke again or in my case I felt sick all day, sick but then would dry heave over the toilet praying I would vomit and get it over with but never puked up anything besides bile.
"Lack of appetite"- yah, wouldn't that be nice, they really should say, you will more than likely be starving all the time, want to and possibly will eat everything in sight but then will immediately regret that decision when your once again hanging over the toilet hoping to puke.
"Heartburn"- that cute little bundle of joy in your belly can and will breath fire for the next 9 months, sometimes I think she is burning a hole in my esophagus. I'm at the bottom of my second jumbo size bottle of tums this pregnancy...I went through a full bottle when I was pregnant with you minnow :-).
"Staying active and eating right will help you avoid excess weight gain"- umm....wrong, just so wrong. Yes you should stay active and eat right that's common sense, but I gained 20 pounds in the two months I was running the summer camp. I was constantly on my feet, running around with the kids and rarely had time to eat the healthy lunches I packed. I was lucky if I got to eat a few crackers and a granola bar during the day let alone if I was still awake to cook dinner. As my midwife told me, your gonna gain what your gonna gain.
"Breast engorgement and darkening of the aureola may occur"- I got a taste of this when I was pregnant with you, I went from an A cup to a C cup, thank goodness your Auntie Gina has a larger chest and came to my rescue with bra's she had outgrown. But that still did not prepare me for the breast changes that happen in the 3rd trimester...I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I now have Nation Geographic boobs, the kind that are huge and round with nipples so dark they look like they've been painted on...I honestly did not recognize my own boobs, the websites should really warn you about that. *Side note: they also do not warn that after you loose a baby your milk might still let down. I learned that the hard way a few days after I lost you Brennan, looked down to find that I had soaked through my shirt.
"Sciatica"- why don't they just called it a sharp pain or muscle spasm that will randomly make it feel like your butt cheek, low back and back of your thigh is being pierced with a bolt of lightning? I felt it for the first time a few nights ago and literally had the mental image of my butt cheek and back being hit by lightning, reading the description on the website did me no good, it wasn't until I described the feeling to your Auntie Ruthie that I found out it was sciatica.
"Catch up on your sleep in the third trimester"- the third trimester is the first trimester only you feel like a whale and resemble a blimp. You'll be up to pee just as often as you were in the first trimester. I am tired most of the time, nauseous, thankfully not as hungry as the first trimester and ache in whole new places for whole new reasons. Oh, remember pregnancy acne? Yah that will come back and although the first trimester I could shower twice a day and still look like I hadn't washed my hair in a week, currently I could not wash my hair for days and still look like I just blow dried it...the rest of me however would reek! I don't remember any of the websites mentioning night sweats and heat flashes, which are apparently completely normal and have become an every night occurrence for me (hence the needing to get my smelly self into the shower first thing every morning).
And lastly, although every baby loss website or baby loss mama will tell you that a new pregnancy or new baby isn't a cure all, the scar of loosing a child will always be there, it makes me sad to see so many women posting on regular pregnancy websites about how they just immediately want to get pregnant again. I felt that way too right after loosing you but I thankfully had other women who had been through baby loss already in my life and even though your daddy and I waited a few cycles before trying again, it hit me really hard when I saw that second pink line the first month we tried again. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet your little sister, but I still think of you everyday. I love both of you so much! My wonderful daughters. Please watch over your little sister minnow, please keep her safe. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Okay this whole third trimester thing is new to me. This pregnancy I knew what to expect from the first two trimesters, I had them down, but this is new territory. I had my 34 week check up with the midwife this week and ending up going in with a huge list of "is this normal?". Now I frequent the usual parenting websites, thebump, parenting, babble, offbeatmama, babycenter ext., but I have come to the conclusion that they do a pretty piss poor job of accurately describing what your body will go through. Here are my real world translations:
"Lack of appetite"- yah, wouldn't that be nice, they really should say, you will more than likely be starving all the time, want to and possibly will eat everything in sight but then will immediately regret that decision when your once again hanging over the toilet hoping to puke.
"Heartburn"- that cute little bundle of joy in your belly can and will breath fire for the next 9 months, sometimes I think she is burning a hole in my esophagus. I'm at the bottom of my second jumbo size bottle of tums this pregnancy...I went through a full bottle when I was pregnant with you minnow :-).
"Staying active and eating right will help you avoid excess weight gain"- umm....wrong, just so wrong. Yes you should stay active and eat right that's common sense, but I gained 20 pounds in the two months I was running the summer camp. I was constantly on my feet, running around with the kids and rarely had time to eat the healthy lunches I packed. I was lucky if I got to eat a few crackers and a granola bar during the day let alone if I was still awake to cook dinner. As my midwife told me, your gonna gain what your gonna gain.
"Breast engorgement and darkening of the aureola may occur"- I got a taste of this when I was pregnant with you, I went from an A cup to a C cup, thank goodness your Auntie Gina has a larger chest and came to my rescue with bra's she had outgrown. But that still did not prepare me for the breast changes that happen in the 3rd trimester...I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I now have Nation Geographic boobs, the kind that are huge and round with nipples so dark they look like they've been painted on...I honestly did not recognize my own boobs, the websites should really warn you about that. *Side note: they also do not warn that after you loose a baby your milk might still let down. I learned that the hard way a few days after I lost you Brennan, looked down to find that I had soaked through my shirt.
"Sciatica"- why don't they just called it a sharp pain or muscle spasm that will randomly make it feel like your butt cheek, low back and back of your thigh is being pierced with a bolt of lightning? I felt it for the first time a few nights ago and literally had the mental image of my butt cheek and back being hit by lightning, reading the description on the website did me no good, it wasn't until I described the feeling to your Auntie Ruthie that I found out it was sciatica.
"Catch up on your sleep in the third trimester"- the third trimester is the first trimester only you feel like a whale and resemble a blimp. You'll be up to pee just as often as you were in the first trimester. I am tired most of the time, nauseous, thankfully not as hungry as the first trimester and ache in whole new places for whole new reasons. Oh, remember pregnancy acne? Yah that will come back and although the first trimester I could shower twice a day and still look like I hadn't washed my hair in a week, currently I could not wash my hair for days and still look like I just blow dried it...the rest of me however would reek! I don't remember any of the websites mentioning night sweats and heat flashes, which are apparently completely normal and have become an every night occurrence for me (hence the needing to get my smelly self into the shower first thing every morning).
And lastly, although every baby loss website or baby loss mama will tell you that a new pregnancy or new baby isn't a cure all, the scar of loosing a child will always be there, it makes me sad to see so many women posting on regular pregnancy websites about how they just immediately want to get pregnant again. I felt that way too right after loosing you but I thankfully had other women who had been through baby loss already in my life and even though your daddy and I waited a few cycles before trying again, it hit me really hard when I saw that second pink line the first month we tried again. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet your little sister, but I still think of you everyday. I love both of you so much! My wonderful daughters. Please watch over your little sister minnow, please keep her safe. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Are We There yet?
Dear Minnow,
Things have been crazy lately. Last week I was having an awful lot of anxiety about your little sister. I just started to get really scared that something will happen before she is born. I also had some sharp pains in my low abdomen which scared the crap out of me. Thank the Lord for our awesome midwife, I had my 32 week check up last Tuesday and told her about everything. She said the pain was from the position the guppy is in, she is head down already and was pushing on the scar tissue from having the cyst taken off my ovary, nothing to worry about just not so comfortable when she decides to jab her head into it. Resa also decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make me feel better about everything. It helped so much! I hadn't had an ultrasound since my 20 week anatomy scan so just seeing your little sister lifted a huge weight off my chest. The doctor said that everything looks healthy and that she is already 5.5 pounds and measuring at 35.5 weeks!! I know it is doubtful that Resa will induce any earlier than 39 weeks but I am secretly hoping the guppy will make an early appearance. I am still really scared something will go wrong, I just want her here in my arms. Your daddy and I have birthing class again tonight, last weeks class left me kind of scared about giving birth medication (I'm not scared of laboring without meds, I did that with you, just the actual pushing) but I have been reading a book on Hypnobirthing which is slowly giving me more confidence. Well, I'm off to finish Christmas shopping, since the guppy's nursery is pretty much complete I have had to shift my nesting instincts to preparing for Christmas. Please watch over your little sister. I love you my minnow, daddy and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy
Things have been crazy lately. Last week I was having an awful lot of anxiety about your little sister. I just started to get really scared that something will happen before she is born. I also had some sharp pains in my low abdomen which scared the crap out of me. Thank the Lord for our awesome midwife, I had my 32 week check up last Tuesday and told her about everything. She said the pain was from the position the guppy is in, she is head down already and was pushing on the scar tissue from having the cyst taken off my ovary, nothing to worry about just not so comfortable when she decides to jab her head into it. Resa also decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make me feel better about everything. It helped so much! I hadn't had an ultrasound since my 20 week anatomy scan so just seeing your little sister lifted a huge weight off my chest. The doctor said that everything looks healthy and that she is already 5.5 pounds and measuring at 35.5 weeks!! I know it is doubtful that Resa will induce any earlier than 39 weeks but I am secretly hoping the guppy will make an early appearance. I am still really scared something will go wrong, I just want her here in my arms. Your daddy and I have birthing class again tonight, last weeks class left me kind of scared about giving birth medication (I'm not scared of laboring without meds, I did that with you, just the actual pushing) but I have been reading a book on Hypnobirthing which is slowly giving me more confidence. Well, I'm off to finish Christmas shopping, since the guppy's nursery is pretty much complete I have had to shift my nesting instincts to preparing for Christmas. Please watch over your little sister. I love you my minnow, daddy and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy
 |
| The Guppy at 32 weeks 5 days, I wonder if you would have had chubby cheeks like these |
 |
| She was not pleased at the ultrasound tech for waking her up :-) |
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Birthing Class....
Dear Minnow,
Your dad and I went to our first birthing class last night. Our midwife recommended a hypnobirth class but we missed the deadline for all but one of the classes in the area and the only class left was twice as expensive as the others! Your Auntie Addie (the doula) suggested that since we couldn't take a hypnobirth class we should take a general prepared childbirth class and get hypnobirth books and cds from the library and work on that at home....I really need to get on reading the book, I started it and the whole concept behind the method makes so much sense I just have had a hard time getting myself to do anything to prepare because after a year of being pregnant it feels like the end will never be in sight. So anyways, your father dragged me kicking and screaming (well not kicking and screaming, more like moaning and bitching) to birthing class last night. It was certainly interesting...I think it was more helpful for your dad than it was for me. The instructor went through how to time contractions, the stages of labor and a few different relaxation techniques that our coaches can help us with. When I was in labor with you your poor dad didn't know what to do lol. He kept trying to get me to play games on his iphone and kept asking the nurse if they could give me anything for the pain which they couldn't and I didn't want. It was hard sitting there as the instructor described the first stages of labor because I remember what it felt like. By the time my doctor came to get me for the D&E I had been in full blown back labor for hours without meds, yes it hurt, my back was throbbing so badly I thought I was going to throw up, my ankles ached and I'd go from sweating to shaking but because I was in pre-op I wasn't allowed to get out of the recliner. I honestly think it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had known what was going on in my body and if I had been allowed to get out of the damn chair. My body knew what it needed, I needed to be on all fours. Your daddy wants me to get an epidural this time around, he is not convinced that being in labor with you was as painful as birthing your little sister will be. I'm at least going to try to go med free. Alright, I'm off to run errands and then teach Shakespeare up in Baltimore. I love you little one, please watch over your little sister.
Love always,
Fish
Your dad and I went to our first birthing class last night. Our midwife recommended a hypnobirth class but we missed the deadline for all but one of the classes in the area and the only class left was twice as expensive as the others! Your Auntie Addie (the doula) suggested that since we couldn't take a hypnobirth class we should take a general prepared childbirth class and get hypnobirth books and cds from the library and work on that at home....I really need to get on reading the book, I started it and the whole concept behind the method makes so much sense I just have had a hard time getting myself to do anything to prepare because after a year of being pregnant it feels like the end will never be in sight. So anyways, your father dragged me kicking and screaming (well not kicking and screaming, more like moaning and bitching) to birthing class last night. It was certainly interesting...I think it was more helpful for your dad than it was for me. The instructor went through how to time contractions, the stages of labor and a few different relaxation techniques that our coaches can help us with. When I was in labor with you your poor dad didn't know what to do lol. He kept trying to get me to play games on his iphone and kept asking the nurse if they could give me anything for the pain which they couldn't and I didn't want. It was hard sitting there as the instructor described the first stages of labor because I remember what it felt like. By the time my doctor came to get me for the D&E I had been in full blown back labor for hours without meds, yes it hurt, my back was throbbing so badly I thought I was going to throw up, my ankles ached and I'd go from sweating to shaking but because I was in pre-op I wasn't allowed to get out of the recliner. I honestly think it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had known what was going on in my body and if I had been allowed to get out of the damn chair. My body knew what it needed, I needed to be on all fours. Your daddy wants me to get an epidural this time around, he is not convinced that being in labor with you was as painful as birthing your little sister will be. I'm at least going to try to go med free. Alright, I'm off to run errands and then teach Shakespeare up in Baltimore. I love you little one, please watch over your little sister.
Love always,
Fish
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