A Year Without You

Dear Minnow,
       Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:

In one of the stars

I shall be living

In one of them

I shall be laughing

And so it will be

As if all the stars

Were laughing

When you look

At the sky at night

And there is sweetness

In the laughter of all the stars…

And in the memories of those you love.

it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
              Love always,
                    Fish

Happy Tired

Dear Minnow,
         Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
                          Love always,
                           Mama

Guppy and I

Guppy at 3 weeks

1st Week

Dear Minnow,
        I promise I will write you soon. I keep meaning to write your little sister's birth story but she keeps me pretty busy these days and I am loving every minute of it! She is currently asleep on daddy's chest. Today was my first solo day with her and I am happy to say it was a success. Guppy was up all night being gassy and your daddy had to work in NJ this morning so I was up by myself all night, I finally got to fufill my dream of rocking my baby to sleep in that glider and singing all of the lullabies to her that I sang to you when you were in my belly. Your little sister is just like your daddy, she prefers to stay up late and then sleep until noon with little food breaks in between. Thankfully that meant I got to sleep late this morning too. Her belly button stump fell off last night so today I put her in her first cloth diaper :-). It gives her the cutest little bubble butt lol. Today was a great day. I know your here with us baby girl. Know that we love you always.
                                                 Love,
                                                Fish