Dear Minnow,
Things have been so busy lately! My first play here at the school opens this weekend and we are nowhere near ready to go on. I know the kids and I will pull it together in the end but until then I will be rushing around trying to get things done. I also agreed to direct the spring show at the high school which brings which means I am now directing three shows that all open in the month of April! I know baby girl, your mama is crazy but I really am enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time I feel completely artistically fufilled. I am now spending about 13 hours a day either in rehearsals or teaching theatre in my classroom, it is wonderful! I have been thinking a lot about spring break this year and I know it is a bad idea for me to be home alone the entire week with nothing to do. I am going to see about taking a mini road trip, maybe up to RI to see your Auntie Kai and Mimi or maybe up to the lodge in MD. I also need to recruit walkers for the March of Dimes, so far it is just your Daddy, Auntie MK and I. I miss you my little minnow, I know you are with me always but my arms still long to hold you, they always will.
Love Always,
Fish
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Minnow's Mermaids
Dear Minnow,
Mommy misses you so much lately. I keep thinking about how I used to rub my belly and sing to you. I decided that I need to do something in your memory, something that will make a difference so I started a team to do The March of Dimes Walk for Babies. Our team is called Minnow's Mermaids for you baby girl :-). I've gotta run for now hunny, I'm gonna catch a yoga class before my next rehearsal. I love you always little one.
Love,
Fish
Mommy misses you so much lately. I keep thinking about how I used to rub my belly and sing to you. I decided that I need to do something in your memory, something that will make a difference so I started a team to do The March of Dimes Walk for Babies. Our team is called Minnow's Mermaids for you baby girl :-). I've gotta run for now hunny, I'm gonna catch a yoga class before my next rehearsal. I love you always little one.
Love,
Fish
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunshine
Dear Minnow,
Hi baby girl. I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote, honestly it feels like it has been forever since I felt like myself too. The sunshine has returned to the south east, it is just wonderful to see spring popping up all around me! I feel like the fog I have been living in since you went away is finally starting to lift. I started a new directing job after school last week. I love being busy again and feeling artistically fulfilled again. Theatre is so healing to the soul minnow and directing gives me a whole new cast of kids to take care of. A woman I met on one of the miscarriage support forums told me that there is a reason God spared me and took you little one, and that I have to ask God for signs as to why. I feel like loosing you has taught me to love deeper and to care more for my students, whenever I teach now I see you in their faces. The only thing that has been tough this past week is dealing with my body image issues. I have been dieting hardcore and hitting the gym when I can and the scale has barely budged! Your daddy, the wonderful man that he is, saw how low my self esteem had gotten and took me shopping last night :-). He spoiled me rotten! I now have three very cute sundresses and a pair of spring wedges. It is amazing how uplifting a new outfit can make you feel! I love you little one with all my heart. Know that no matter what, you are always in my thoughts and in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Hi baby girl. I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote, honestly it feels like it has been forever since I felt like myself too. The sunshine has returned to the south east, it is just wonderful to see spring popping up all around me! I feel like the fog I have been living in since you went away is finally starting to lift. I started a new directing job after school last week. I love being busy again and feeling artistically fulfilled again. Theatre is so healing to the soul minnow and directing gives me a whole new cast of kids to take care of. A woman I met on one of the miscarriage support forums told me that there is a reason God spared me and took you little one, and that I have to ask God for signs as to why. I feel like loosing you has taught me to love deeper and to care more for my students, whenever I teach now I see you in their faces. The only thing that has been tough this past week is dealing with my body image issues. I have been dieting hardcore and hitting the gym when I can and the scale has barely budged! Your daddy, the wonderful man that he is, saw how low my self esteem had gotten and took me shopping last night :-). He spoiled me rotten! I now have three very cute sundresses and a pair of spring wedges. It is amazing how uplifting a new outfit can make you feel! I love you little one with all my heart. Know that no matter what, you are always in my thoughts and in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Love Is There
Dear Minnow,
Last night your daddy and I went to a concert with friends of ours. The band was great but we both really liked the opening act, a singer/song writer names Grace Pettis. She sang this one song called Love if There and it reminded me of you little one. One of the lyrics said "with a mother and her stillborn, love is there" and it made me cry. I know it is hard for some people to understand how I or anyone could be so broken after loosing a child we never got a chance to hold, but I hold such a deep love for you Brennan, deeper than any bond I have ever felt. I think that song sums it up. Life has become such a struggle baby girl, every now and then I will have a good day or a good moment and I know that there will be more good days eventually it is just hard to hold on to that. I had a therapy appointment today, it was the first session when I was completely honest about how I have been feeling. I guess I am so used to putting on my strong face for everyone that I even pretended everything was okay with the people that were trying to help me. My therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said I will always have flash backs and will always have days where all I can think about is how I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms but that the hurt will get duller and the bad days will be farther between. Things will get better in time. I just have to keep going. I love you my little minnow, with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Last night your daddy and I went to a concert with friends of ours. The band was great but we both really liked the opening act, a singer/song writer names Grace Pettis. She sang this one song called Love if There and it reminded me of you little one. One of the lyrics said "with a mother and her stillborn, love is there" and it made me cry. I know it is hard for some people to understand how I or anyone could be so broken after loosing a child we never got a chance to hold, but I hold such a deep love for you Brennan, deeper than any bond I have ever felt. I think that song sums it up. Life has become such a struggle baby girl, every now and then I will have a good day or a good moment and I know that there will be more good days eventually it is just hard to hold on to that. I had a therapy appointment today, it was the first session when I was completely honest about how I have been feeling. I guess I am so used to putting on my strong face for everyone that I even pretended everything was okay with the people that were trying to help me. My therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said I will always have flash backs and will always have days where all I can think about is how I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms but that the hurt will get duller and the bad days will be farther between. Things will get better in time. I just have to keep going. I love you my little minnow, with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, March 7, 2011
The 25th year
Dear Minnow,
Well, turning 25 without you wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Friday I had a nice morning teaching then went to the mall and bought a new pair of jeans (in my pre-pregnancy size) and two shirts. That night I took a few of my ensemble kids into DC to be actors in your auntie Gina's thesis installation of Alice in Wonderland.The kids did an excellent job and I was so impressed by the costumes Gina created. After the show I went for drinks with friends at The Mad Hatter bar in the city. It was such a fun carefree day, for once I felt normal again. Saturday, my actual birthday, your daddy and I went to Arlington for lunch and then walked around the artist's studios in Alexandria. We had a great time together looking at all of the art. When we came home things started to go wrong. First I got a letter saying that my position at the school may be cut next year. I had finally gotten comfortable at the school and love my job and the people there, it would seriously suck if I have to look for a new job. Then I opened my birthday package from your Mimi, she sent me some much needed tank tops, and there in the box was the handmade mermaid that was supposed to go in your nursery. I cried. I miss you so much little one. I know there will always be moments when I will cry thinking of you but there are also moment when I am strong and can think back on the time I spent with you as a happy time.That night we threw a small martini party at the house with our friends. Your daddy and I love you more than anything Brennan and we know you are always in our hearts.
Love,
Fish
Well, turning 25 without you wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Friday I had a nice morning teaching then went to the mall and bought a new pair of jeans (in my pre-pregnancy size) and two shirts. That night I took a few of my ensemble kids into DC to be actors in your auntie Gina's thesis installation of Alice in Wonderland.The kids did an excellent job and I was so impressed by the costumes Gina created. After the show I went for drinks with friends at The Mad Hatter bar in the city. It was such a fun carefree day, for once I felt normal again. Saturday, my actual birthday, your daddy and I went to Arlington for lunch and then walked around the artist's studios in Alexandria. We had a great time together looking at all of the art. When we came home things started to go wrong. First I got a letter saying that my position at the school may be cut next year. I had finally gotten comfortable at the school and love my job and the people there, it would seriously suck if I have to look for a new job. Then I opened my birthday package from your Mimi, she sent me some much needed tank tops, and there in the box was the handmade mermaid that was supposed to go in your nursery. I cried. I miss you so much little one. I know there will always be moments when I will cry thinking of you but there are also moment when I am strong and can think back on the time I spent with you as a happy time.That night we threw a small martini party at the house with our friends. Your daddy and I love you more than anything Brennan and we know you are always in our hearts.
Love,
Fish
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Brennan
Dear Minnow,
Today I met my new student assistant director from the high school, the one who shares your name little one. I was so afraid he would be, I don't know, not a good kid but your Mimi told me that she was certain this child was put into my life for a reason and that I would look into his eyes and see glimpses of my Brennan. I am happy to say that he is everything I would have wanted you to be, in boy form lol. He is a very, smart, polite little guy who seems to have quite a knack at directing. He even has a mop of blond hair just like your daddy did when he was a kid lol. I am surprised by how much closure it brought me little one. It made me feel like maybe God is there after all and although he took my Brennan away from me, for some reason I am supposed to have this one in my life. In a way I feel like I am teaching you my minnow. I love you always and forever!
Love,
Fish
Today I met my new student assistant director from the high school, the one who shares your name little one. I was so afraid he would be, I don't know, not a good kid but your Mimi told me that she was certain this child was put into my life for a reason and that I would look into his eyes and see glimpses of my Brennan. I am happy to say that he is everything I would have wanted you to be, in boy form lol. He is a very, smart, polite little guy who seems to have quite a knack at directing. He even has a mop of blond hair just like your daddy did when he was a kid lol. I am surprised by how much closure it brought me little one. It made me feel like maybe God is there after all and although he took my Brennan away from me, for some reason I am supposed to have this one in my life. In a way I feel like I am teaching you my minnow. I love you always and forever!
Love,
Fish
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Survivors
Dear Minnow,
I just realize how pathetic my last post sounded.The world is not all bad baby girl, life without you is hard, but there is still good happening in my life. Sometimes I get on here to talk to you and it feels like my pain pours out and I forget all about the times I smiled today or every time I laughed. Over the weekend for instance, your grandmother got me so wasted! Your daddy and cousins apparently thought it was hysterical :-) I have to admit that it was nice to just let loose for a night. Brennan hunny, your life and your death have brought me so much closer not only to your father but to the other women in this world who carry the same scar and the same tiny footsteps on their hearts that I do now. Today I went to the dermatologist and I guess when the nurse heard that I was taking prenatal vitamins she thought I was pregnant because the doctor came in and congratulated me on being pregnant. Needless to say I started crying and explained that we lost you last month. She held me and then told me that she knew exactly what I was going through, she lost a baby at 20 weeks last year due to a chromosome disorder. This world is sadly full of strong, scarred women like your mama baby girl. It is hard not to think of us as survivors but we are. We may not get to wear big pink ribbons or proudly march together in the streets but we are just as strong and just as much survivors because to go on living after loosing such a huge part of yourself, really after loosing something greater than yourself, you have to be strong. I love you my minnow and I promise I will try not to drown in this sea of tears. I love you Brennan.
Love,
Mommy
I just realize how pathetic my last post sounded.The world is not all bad baby girl, life without you is hard, but there is still good happening in my life. Sometimes I get on here to talk to you and it feels like my pain pours out and I forget all about the times I smiled today or every time I laughed. Over the weekend for instance, your grandmother got me so wasted! Your daddy and cousins apparently thought it was hysterical :-) I have to admit that it was nice to just let loose for a night. Brennan hunny, your life and your death have brought me so much closer not only to your father but to the other women in this world who carry the same scar and the same tiny footsteps on their hearts that I do now. Today I went to the dermatologist and I guess when the nurse heard that I was taking prenatal vitamins she thought I was pregnant because the doctor came in and congratulated me on being pregnant. Needless to say I started crying and explained that we lost you last month. She held me and then told me that she knew exactly what I was going through, she lost a baby at 20 weeks last year due to a chromosome disorder. This world is sadly full of strong, scarred women like your mama baby girl. It is hard not to think of us as survivors but we are. We may not get to wear big pink ribbons or proudly march together in the streets but we are just as strong and just as much survivors because to go on living after loosing such a huge part of yourself, really after loosing something greater than yourself, you have to be strong. I love you my minnow and I promise I will try not to drown in this sea of tears. I love you Brennan.
Love,
Mommy
The 25 Blues
Dear Minnow,
This past weekend your dad and I celebrated my birthday a little early in Maryland with his side of the family. It is hard to believe that I will be 25 on Saturday. I have honestly been having a hard time thinking about my birthday this year, this just isn't how it is supposed to be. I'm supposed to be starting my third trimester with you little one. You are supposed to be happily growing inside of me as I blow 25 candles out while trying to keep my big belly out of the birthday cake. But instead I am carrying 10 pounds of baby weight and no baby in my belly. Part of me wishes I could sleep through this birthday. I miss you so much little one. Everyone keeps telling me that I will feel better when I get pregnant again but I am just so scared. Will this pain always follow me? Please send me hope minnow. Here are the pictures of your tattoo baby girl. I love you with all of my heart.
Love,
Fish
This past weekend your dad and I celebrated my birthday a little early in Maryland with his side of the family. It is hard to believe that I will be 25 on Saturday. I have honestly been having a hard time thinking about my birthday this year, this just isn't how it is supposed to be. I'm supposed to be starting my third trimester with you little one. You are supposed to be happily growing inside of me as I blow 25 candles out while trying to keep my big belly out of the birthday cake. But instead I am carrying 10 pounds of baby weight and no baby in my belly. Part of me wishes I could sleep through this birthday. I miss you so much little one. Everyone keeps telling me that I will feel better when I get pregnant again but I am just so scared. Will this pain always follow me? Please send me hope minnow. Here are the pictures of your tattoo baby girl. I love you with all of my heart.
Love,
Fish
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