Trusting

Dear Minnow,
         Looks like we have another long week of waiting ahead of us little one. The genetic counselor called today and told us that the sample of amniotic fluid they sent to the lab didn't have enough of your cells in it. The good news is that the cells from the CVS have finally grown enough to be tested so they were sent to the lab today. We won't find out until the mid to end of next week how much information your chromosomes are missing. I can't take this waiting anymore. It is ripping me apart. My heartbreaks every time I think about the possibility that you might not make it or might have mental disabilities and you will never be able to read this. Oh baby girl, I love you so much. I know I need to trust in the timing of God's results but I feel like we are dieing a slow death. My hope is dieing a slow death. I love you so much minnow. Please be okay little one. Mommy needs you to be okay.
       Love,
       Fish

Christmas

Dear Minnow,
    Merry Christmas little one. Mommy's belly has really grown this week and you are finally starting to show through. I have to admit that it is nice to show off the bump, people finally look at me like I am pregnant and not just fat. :-) We have spent the past few days spoiling your aunt MK and eating way too much with your aunts and uncles on your daddy's side (his family LOVES to eat!!). Needless to say you have been well fed minnow. Mommy's Church from home dedicated their Christmas Eve service to you minnow. They all prayed for you to be okay and for God to send us a miracle. I am so scared baby girl, I am praying so hard that we will finally get some good news and you will be here to celebrate Jesus' birthday with us next year. I have been waking up in the middle of the night worrying and find myself praying the same thing over and over again: Please God, hear our prayer, please send us a miracle, please let Brennan be okay, please don't take her from me. I know God will get us through whatever happens, I trust in his plan for us but I pray that it is his plan to save you. Mommy and daddy love you so much minnow, more than anyone will ever know. Merry Christmas my little one.
              Love,
               Fish

Let it be

Dear Minnow,
   Friday the genetic counselor, Mary a.ka, the barer of bad news called. She is a very nice woman and I am grateful for how compassionate she has been through this whole thing, she just sadly has the job of relaying all of the findings from the lab to us and so far most of the findings have been bad. She told us on Friday that the cells they were growing from the CVS for the next test were growing very slowly and may be contaminated from my cells, so long story short, you and I got to enjoy yet another needle in the stomach yesterday. Thankfully the amniocentesis was not quite as bad as the CVS was although the doctor had to push very very hard to get enough fluid which has mommy feeling like she took a folding chair to the side WWF style. We got to see you up on the screen during the procedure, you were squirming all around and laying upside down again, the doctors had to push on my stomach to get you to change positions, at which point you would simply roll over and play with your toes. We should find out how much information your little chromosomes are missing or have duplicated sometime next week. For now I am trying to push it out of my mind and enjoy our first Christmas together, please God, please don't let it be our last together.  I love you my little minnow. I am trying to have hope but I am so scared that I will only be hurt again and have to say goodbye to you all over again. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am young and that your daddy and I will have lots of other babies, I don't want another baby, I want you minnow!! I want  to hold you so badly and the thought that June will come without you hurts so badly. You are so strong baby, so much stronger than your mama. I am praying for you minnow. Know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and think about you every minute of everyday.
                           Love,
                          Fish

My Little Fighter

Dear minnow,
        We had an appointment with Risa the midwife this morning. I was certain you had left us baby girl but there was your little heartbeat. You are so small my little minnow but your heart beat was good. Risa was worried because you were not moving at first but then you gave us a little wiggle and kicked your feet so we could see. Risa said that you are developing very slowly and there is just no way to know if you will make it to June. We are still waiting to see what the chromosome scan says. Mommy is praying that your chromosomes are not missing important information and that you will live but mommy also knows that God has a plan and that he will help us through whatever that plan is. You are so strong little one, you have fought so hard from the very beginning. It is alright if you want to rest baby, it is okay if you want to be with God. I am so worried that you are fighting to stay alive just to make mommy happy, so that she will not be alone. It is my job to take care of you minnow, please don't worry about me. I will love you no matter what happens. You will always be my baby, my special special little minnow.
                       I will love you always,
                                   Fish

Praying for a Miracle

Dear Minnow,
          My dear little minnow. Your daddy and I recieved the final results from the CVS. They are not good little one. There are abnormalities on the bottoms of your 16th and 17th chromosomes. The doctors said that those results along with your jaw most likely means that your chromosomes are missing important information. Our only hope is that your father or I have the same mismatched chromosomes, which would mean you probably are not missing information since he and I are fine. But baby girl, the doctors don't think that is the case. We are praying for a miracle but God already sent us a miracle by saving you when we thought I had miscarried, I am afraid he has run out of miracles for us. The doctor is going to continue to grow your chromosomes to see how much information is missing. The chances of us loosing you keep getting higher and higher. I feel like God has abandoned us minnow. Your daddy is being strong for you because mommy can't be strong anymore. Mommy is doing all she can just to get through the days. Minnow please forgive me. God please forgive me. No matter what minnow you will always be my daughter and your daddy and I will always love you. Please little minnow ask God for a miracle, maybe he will hear you.
                     Love,
                     Mommy

Hanging on

Dear Minnow,
        I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately. We got the preliminary results from the CVS, you do not have Trisonomy 13, 18 or Downs Syndrome. I am so thankful to God for that, but unfortunately they still have to test for 30 other chromosomal abnormalities. Mommy is very scared. I just want to hold you in my arms baby girl. I don't want to let you go. Can't we just tell the doctors to shove the rest of the results and the rest of their tests and just have you? That is what mommy wants. Daddy is also scared though and wants to know as much information as he can. This week has been so hard on us and I am sure you are feeling mommy's stomach all tied up in knots. Did you know that in a week or so I will start to be able to feel you moving in there? On the ultrasounds you are always dancing around, I can't wait to feel all your swimming minnow! Please be okay minnow. We want you to grow up as our little girl so badly. We are all praying so hard that the test comes back normal and that your jaw will be okay. Please baby girl, my little minnow, please be okay. I love you so much!
                  Love,
                Fish

Still Hurting

Dear Minnow,
        Mommy and daddy aren't giving up hope yet, although hope is really hard to come by these days. Emily Dickinson said that Hope is a thing with feathers, maybe our hope has already flown away but I am doing everything I can to catch it. Today we met with a genetic counselor, unfortunately she couldn't tell us much of anything except that there is only a small chance that you have a chromosomal abnormality (which is a good thing, we don't want you to have one of those) but that they wanted to test anyways. So the doctor put a really long needle through mommy's belly and into her uterus to  take a sample from the placenta. The procedure hurt really badly and mommy may have swore a bit in the process. On Monday we will find out a few preliminary findings, just whether or not you have Trisonomy 13, 18 or 21 (13 and 18 are very very bad and 21 is downs syndrome). We will have to wait another week for to find out about the others. The bad news is that even if you test negative for chromosomal abnormalities you could still have one of over 60 different syndromes, some of which are so horrible baby. For now your Auntie Gina is keeping us company and your Auntie Amanda bought a plane ticket as soon as she heard and is flying down tomorrow night for the weekend. They are amazing friends, I hope you get to meet them. They love you baby. Minnow please get better, mommy and daddy love you so much and just want you to be okay and join us in June. Mommy has never hurt so badly inside, she wonders if she will ever smile again. Please minnow, there are so many people praying for you. I just pray God hears them, he doesn't seem to be hearing me. Please be okay, please come be my baby. Please don't leave me.
                     Love always,
                        Fish

Is this goodbye?

Dear Minnow,
      We went to the hospital for a level II ultrasound yesterday. We were there for so long, sitting in a waiting room full of very happy, very pregnant women. We watched you on the screen for a long time, as before you would not behave. The sonographer said that she thinks you might be a girl minnow, but she was very concerned with your chin. She left for a while to try to get you to settle down and lay in the right position. When she came back you behaved for a minute and she was able to get pictures of your profile and face. Baby girl, it looks like you barely have chin at all and that one of your legs is hyper extended. The doctor at the hospital said it could be one of two pages of syndromes or chromosomal issues, most of which include some form of mental disability. All we can do is try to get a CVS done this week before you are too big to do one to rule out the chromosomal malformations, but it could still be one of the completely mentally and physically debilitating syndromes. They want to know if we want to end the pregnancy and say goodbye to you. Mommy doesn't know what to do. Mommy's heart is breaking so badly, she feels like she has already lost you. Daddy is so scared. What do we do minnow? A life without a mind of your own, without communication or the ability to walk isn't a life I want for you but how can I justify ending the life God put inside me? The life he saved from miscarriage? Minnow please show mommy and daddy what to do. Please grow a jaw, please be a normal chubby happy baby. Please be my daughter. God please help us. I can't do this alone. Minnow please, please show the doctors what is wrong so we will know what to do. I still love you no matter what. Please grow.
                  love,
               Fish

Thanksgiving

Dear Minnow,
        Oh my dear little minnow, you just can't catch a break can you baby? We had our nuro-translucency ultrasound on Tuesday to check for Downs Syndrome. The test was actually a lot of fun as you would not behave for the doctor so mommy got to watch you up on the screen for almost two hours! It was so wonderful to watch you swimming around, playing with your little toes, you even laid upside down and took a nap sucking your thumb! You already have such a wonderful personality minnow :-). I just couldn't stop smiling and giggling as I watched you. The screen came back looking normal but then the head doctor came in and looked at your pictures. He told me that you have a small, recessed jaw and that it really stands out to him. He said that this means you will have breathing problems when you are born and could mean you have a cleft pallet or a syndrome of some kind which could mean you will not make it. Our midwife is also pretty concerned, she is sending us to the hospital for more tests on Tuesday. Mommy is so scared little one. I know you are doing all you can minnow, I won't ask anymore of you. Mommy and Daddy will love you no matter what happens.
                         I love you with all my heart minnow,
                                Fish

The Name Game

Dear Minnow,
            Naming a baby is a big decision. It's funny how the baby names I have had in my head have evolved over time. When I was in first grade we had to pick a pilgrim that had lived at Plymouth Rock to study and dress up as. I chose Oceanus, the first baby born on the Mayflower, I chose him simply because I liked the name. Then for years I thought I'd name my first daughter Oceaniana, then it became Oceanianaly (pronounced oci-anna-lee), then I decided I liked Gracie Anna, then Grace-Anne, then I realized how absurd all of those names were and stopped thinking about baby names all together. That is, until one high school sleepover when your Auntie Kailyn and your Auntie Gina decided that I was going to have 26 kids and started a list where people could pay to name my children (just an fyi, if you were number 26 your name would have to be Hoobastank, you'd have your Auntie Kai to thank for that.) Around that time my cousin on my father's side started having kids, and wouldn't you know they came up with the most vanilla names imaginable, James, Benjamin and Rachel...blah. So Gina and I started making a list of any names, weird, cool, pretty, that we heard in hopes that when we all had kids of our own we could look at the list and come up with something a little less white bread. The names I liked off the list were Weatherly, Torrent, Bowen, and Regan. In college I read the play Under Milkwood by Dylan Thomas, I instantly fell in love with the name Gossamer after one of the characters. Your daddy does not like that name. I still love it. Then one night your dad and I were watching Bones, and I said I liked the name Temperance. He said he liked it too then said what about the characters last name, Brennan. I fell in love with that name. It has nothing to do with the character or the tv show I just like the name, I had always liked it for a boy but had never thought about it for a girl. So we agreed if your a girl your name will be Brennan Esther, Esther after a dear dear friend of mine, family really from Church who died the week before I met your dad. I have always thought that she sent him to me, to take care of me since she couldn't anymore. I love her and miss her very much. I hope your girl so that her husband Sunny will still be alive to meet you. Your father and I had decided on the name Easton if your a boy. I love that name! It reminds me of home and the ocean and life back on the island in New England, but your dad changed his mind and now likes Peyton-James more...I don't love that name it reminds me of Peyton Manning the football player, yuck! I have also thought about the name Merson if you are a boy, that is your Great Grandfather's last name, he had five daughters so the Merson name will end with him so I think it might be nice if it lived on in you. Here's hoping we can convince daddy to pick Easton or Merson :-). I love you minnow, sorry to babble on so much!
                               Love,
                            Fish

12 Weeks 1 Day

Welcome to the second trimester minnow!!
           I am happy to say that things have improved since my last post. I started spotting again last night so I called Risa the midwife this morning and she was able to sneak us in for a check up this afternoon. There you were on the screen, nearly triple the size you were during your last ultrasound a month ago!! Risa says you are quite the mover, the whole time you were happily kicking away and waving your arms at us :-). I think your gonna be a dancer when you grow up, let's just hope you don't have your father's sense of rhythm! Risa said that during pregnancy the cervix becomes veiny and can sometimes get agitated and cause spotting for no real reason. She told me that unless I see dark red blood I'm fine, if I see dark red blood I need to call her immediately and  in her words "get your ass to the hospital".  She told me she knows that my last doctor did a lot of damage to my confidence and scared me a lot. Risa says that she's going to take care of me and that I just need to trust her. She said that with the ultrasound next week and a check up with her the following week she is hoping I will start to feel more comfortable and stable in the pregnancy. I am so thankful for her. God works in mysterious ways and I am so glad he put her healing presence in my life, well our lives :-). I still can't get over how big you have gotten minnow! I've gained three pounds in the past month and have quite the little round bump starting. I even bought my first pair of maternity pants yesterday lol. I will be sure to take some pictures this weekend. I love you my little minnow! Keep growing!
                                   love,
                                 Fish
           

Worried

Dear Minnow,
          You've got mommy worried again little one. I started with just a little tiny bit of spotting again. Please keep growing minnow. Mommy and daddy want you to stay safe and sound for the next 6+ months, could you please hang on till June? Please try minnow, we love you so much already!
                             Love,
                                 Fish

A Nursery in Progress

Dear Minnow,
           After a very busy week at work, daddy was ready for a nice relaxing weekend. Unfortunately for him mommy had different plans :-). I found a great deal on craigslist for the cutest nautical nursery bedding! The only downside? It was over an hour away in Germantown, Maryland! Needless to say, your mommy can't resist a good deal, and your daddy can't resist a chance to make your mommy smile :-). So after a lazy morning at home during which your father put man soap on my belly insisting he could turn you into a boy this way :-), no worries though, I washed my belly with girl soap afterward lol (...and yes mommy and daddy shower together sometimes, you'll just have to get over that fact) so anyways, off we drove to Germantown! The bedding set was even cuter than the pictures I had seen! I can't wait till your fast asleep in your little nautical nursery! After we picked up the set we went to downtown Bethesda to see the movie 127 hours (it was your daddy's pick). The movie was umm....interesting lol. Then we walked around Bethesda, it was such a beautiful early winter evening. Your 11 weeks old now my little minnow, keep growing strong! Mommy and daddy love you so much!
                               Love,
                               Fish

Ps. Your daddy really wants you to be a boy, maybe we could let him win this one ;-)

The Minnow takes DC

Dear Minnow,
           Saturday your daddy took us out on the town for date night. He is very good at planning dates and making us feel special from time to time :-). Saturday we took the metro into DC to see Hair at the Kennedy Center! It was your first trip to the theatre, as an audience memeber at least. Truth be told, in just the time you have spent in my belly you have already spent more time in the theatre than most adults spend in their whole lifetime. We generally spend around 8 hours a day working at one theatre or another (between the high school, univeristy and the middle school).Anyways, back to our date with daddy, we rode the metro into the city and had a wonderful lunch on the roof top terrace at the Kennedy Center before the show. Mommy may have forgotten to tell daddy what the play was about (hippies, lots of hippies) and that the actors run out into the audience and dance and climb over seats...needless to say he was more than a little suprised when the actor playing Berger climbed through the audience in nothing but a loincloth (he had gotten us second row seats). The expression on his face was priceless! After the show we met your auntie Gina at her apartment to help her get ready for the military ball and then went to dinner at my favorite resturant, a tapas place called Julieo. Dinner was great, we ate tons! Then we picked up a few cupcakes at Red Velvet and heading home to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It was such a nice date night! Oh, your daddy bought you a present, a collection of the original Winnie the Pooh stories. He says it is the first thing he is going to read to you :-). That made mommy's heart melt, in the good way. I love you my little minnow, keep growing strong.

                               Love,
                            Fish

Say Cheese!

Dear Minnow,
          Today was our first appointment with Risa, the midwife. She is amazing! She has bright blue streaks in her hair so of course mommy liked her right away :-). Risa was very funny and very understanding especially about how scared I was about our whole ER fiasco. Unfortunately, Risa works out of Fairfax Hospital which does not offer water births. I have always wanted to do a water birth but I think it's more important for us to be in hands we can trust, so the hospital with Risa it is :-). Daddy and I also got to see you on an ultrasound today and you waved at us!! It was so cute! Risa turned the screen and said watch this and after a few seconds you wiggled up and down and then waved your little right arm at us which made me giggle which of course made you wiggle even more! Your already quite the mover! Keep growing and wiggling my little minnow. Mommy loves you!
                  
Love,
    Fish

                

An in Utero Halloween

Dear Minnow,
             Yesterday was your first (well, kind of, sort of not really first) Halloween! It was quite a busy weekend! Friday daddy thought he would be nice and hire a cleaning service to come in and tidy up the house since I have been so sick and busy with school. It was a very nice idea...in theory. Unfortunately, the cleaning lady parked in our neighbor's spot and her truck was towed!! All three cleaning people were stuck at our house for 6 hours waiting for their manager to come pick them up!! It ended up being more stressful then helpful for mommy, but at least the carpets are vacuumed.Saturday night our friends Nic and Evan threw a Halloween party. It was a lot of fun! I am very proud to say that I kicked every one's butt at Dance Dance on wii, apparently we still have rhythm.

Sunday night your Great Aunt Nancy and Great Uncle Shane had their annual Halloween party. You and I went as a Who from Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and your Aunt MK went as Little Cindy Lou Who. I promise to read you the story next Christmas.

Even the Grinch decided to give you a kiss :-). Tomorrow is our first appointment with the midwife and hopefully we will be able to hear your heartbeat! Mommy is a little nervous. Keep growing my little minnow. Mommy and the Grinch love you so much! :-)
                          Love,
                          Fish

Cupcakes, Muffins or Haircut?

Dear Minnow,
         Today has been a pretty good day so far.You have not been a happy camper this week. The antibiotics they gave us for the UTI and Sinus infection have been making us very sick each morning, this morning was no exception but I took a morning sickness pill and ate some lunch and seem to be doing better. Your daddy on the other hand caught our sinus infection, which for your father is a very big deal. He doesn't just get colds, he gets "Man Colds", which means that no matter how bad anyone else's cold or sinus infection is, his is ten times worse. It's actually pretty funny, and I guarantee if your a boy you will inherit daddy's man colds. :-) Now, what to do with the rest of our day minnow? Or rather what should we do with the few hours we have between teaching at the middle school and teaching at GMU? Based on the craving I'm having your vote is that we bake cupcakes or blueberry muffins, or both but mommy is debating getting her hair done. As usual it looks like you win, cupcakes it is :-). You've already got me wrapped around your finger minnow. Keep on growing little one.
                     Love,
                  Fish

Under the weather

Dear Minnow,
          Being pregnant is hard. It is worth it, but it is much harder than I expected. Honestly minnow, I thought I would be glowing and dancing around happily awaiting your arrival, apparently that only happens in movies. My poor body is working so hard at creating you that our immune system has, as your Meme would say, "shit the bed." It looks like mommy has a urinary tract infection (trust me they are not fun) and a sinus infection, so the doctor gave us some antibiotics that are safe for you and sent us home to bed where we have been curled up since this afternoon. Luckily we only have to teach one class in the morning and can come home and cuddle back into bed before daddy even leaves for work. We'll be taking it easy for the next few days. Feel better my little minnow and keep growing! Mommy and daddy love you so much!
                       Love,
                     Fish

Cravings

Dear Minnow,
         I thought it might be fun to keep a list of the weird cravings you've been causing these past few weeks :-). So here it goes:

Week 4 (and before I knew you existed): Shrimp, more specifically terriyaki shrimp stir fry. I ate it three or four times that week for dinner!

Week 5: Hummus and Wheat Thins, Soy Milk or anything creamy

Week 6: Cereal, Peanut Butter and Capri Sun

Week 6.5: Cereal craving became more specific....Special K with Red Berries but only with cold soy milk.

You apparently also have aversions to certain foods and smells. So here goes

Things That Make Us Gag (this is more of an on going, ever growing list):

The smell of raw chicken (I couldn't go near the sink for a week because a pan I used to cook chicken was in there)
The smell of the Asian Market next to the school
Preggo Pops....yes the pops designed to fight morning sickness make me wanna up chuck upon contact
Really dry or crunchy things
Anything deep fried or greasy, especially  the Chinese food daddy bought us last night or any fast food

I think that about sums it up for now, although I'm sure both lists will continue to grow. I love you my little minnow, please keep your little heart pumping strong.
                    Love,
                Fish

Minnow goes camping

Dear Minnow,
           Daddy had  the great idea to go camping this weekend, outside, in late October....this was not a very good plan. It took us an hour and a half to put together the tent, which naturally had bug netting instead of an actual roof. Mommy had to get up and pee three times during the night and walk all the way to the bathhouse in the cold! We spent most of the weekend wrapped in blankets next to the campfire reading. All in all it was a good weekend. Keep growing my little minnow.

                           love,
                       Fish

God is good!

Dear Minnow,
                Oh my little miracle baby, we almost gave up on you little one. Early Sunday morning I started bleeding. I was staying at your grandma's house since daddy was in a wedding in Minneapolis. She took us to the emergency room at Howard County General Hospital in Maryland where they took blood and checked our HCG levels and gave us an ultrasound. On the ultrasound screen there was just an empty sack, we couldn't see you minnow. That scared the doctors a lot. They also found out that mommy has A- blood which means she has to get a painful shot anytime you bleed so that her body keeps taking care of you. They sent us home telling us that there was still hope but that things were looking grim. All we could do was wait and pray. Mommy prayed so hard for a miracle. There were lots of people praying for you minnow. We went to see the obgyn today, and she told us there was a 90% chance you weren't there anymore, that you weren't developing. Mommy's HCG levels weren't exactly where they needed to be. Mommy cried and cried and cried. It was like a part of her had died. Daddy held us and was strong for us. We told auntie Addy about the levels and Addy told us not to give up hope, and auntie Kai prayed and the doctor sent us for one more ultrasound. I begged God for a miracle and your daddy prepared for the worse, then the very sweet ultrasound tech turned the screen so we could see and there you were!! There you were in your little sack, with a little yolk, and there on the screen was a little flickering light, your heartbeat!!! God is so good little minnow and for now he is letting us keep you! Keep growing my little one. Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!
          Love,

        Fish

Ultrasound II

Dear Minnow,
            You had mommy very worried today. Today we had your second ultrasound to figure out your exact due date. Last week the doctor told us that you were already 5 weeks along, but according to the pictures they took of you today you are just now 5 weeks. Last week you were just a little white line on the screen but today we could see the little sac you'll be sleeping in for the next 8 months. I have to admit that I am still a little worried about the whole ordeal, but your cousin Addy reassured me that your doing just fine and that due dates are very hard to tell early on. Keep growing my little minnow, mommy and daddy love you so much.

             Love,
                 Fish

Love at first sight

Dear Minnow,
                Today was a windy, rainy, yucky day. The rain came down so hard this morning that I was late for school. I ran in and immediately felt sick to my stomach, apparently you have a strong dislike for preggo pop morning sickness candies. We had our first prenatal appointment today. Daddy was very nervous and asked lots of questions, it was very cute. He also decided to make mommy laugh all through her internal exam...not a good idea. Then we got to see you on the ultrasound. Right now you are just a little white line in the middle of my uterus. She printed out a picture of you for us to keep. The doctor thinks your due date is June 2, 2011 but we are going for another ultrasound next week to make sure. Mommy has to admit that she has been having anxiety attacks about loosing you. Miscarriages unfortunately happen all the time, and mommy is very scared that in an instant you could disappear. You have already changed my life little minnow. Please continue to grow safely.

           Love always,

                   Fish

Finding Out

Dear Minnow,
          Even though I have wanted you for so very long it still came as quite the shock to your daddy and I that in 9 months you would be gracing us with your presence. The doctors told us that it would take at least 3 months and yet after only a few weeks of trying we found ourselves staring down at two little pink lines.Your daddy has always called me his Goober Fish because I drink water like a fish, and last night laying in bed he dubbed you our little Minnow. Now here you are my little flax seed sized Minnow, making mommy's breasts ache and stomach turn with all day sickness, making me nap any chance I get. Sweet dreams my little Minnow, we can't wait to meet you.
       
             Love,
                Fish