Dear Minnow,
Mommy has been soo tired lately! School ended with quite a bang and just as quickly drama camp began. This is the first week I haven't been able to take a quick nap after lunch and it is already catching up to me. I have been so worried this week little one. I thought it was hard when friends had their babies while I was loosing you, I never imagined it would be just as difficult when a friend went through a loss while I am pregnant. I feel like my hope has been shaken. I wanted to believe that God wouldn't let any of us go through that again. I pray that God will keep my guppy safe, your little brother or sister. I am so scared little one. I am so tired, I promise I will write more soon. I love you my minnow with all my heart and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Missing
Dear Minnow,
I have been thinking about you so much lately baby girl. I find myself hoping that this new baby will be a boy. I think it will be harder if the guppy is a girl, I know I will keep wondering if you would have looked like her or acted like her. Sometimes it feels like the day I lost you, the pain of missing you will hit me without warning and it is like loosing you all over again. Other times it feels like January was years ago and that life has settled into a different kind of peace, the peace of knowing you are in a better place. And yet, there is always the dull ache in my arms and heart from constantly missing you. School is coming to and end baby girl and the kids are beyond restless! The school has been a mad house for the last week with the 8th graders getting ready to graduate. I was happy to finish up grading the kids projects today but packing up my classroom has been bittersweet. It has been a crazy year but I had such a wonderful time teaching my little drama babies. I had my final review today from my administrator and got wonderful marks and feedback on everything! It was so nice to finally be recognized for all of the work I have put into creating the program from scratch. I love you baby girl with all my heart. Please watch over your little brother or sister. I find myself in a constant state of worry over this little one. I love you my minnow.
Love,
Fish
I have been thinking about you so much lately baby girl. I find myself hoping that this new baby will be a boy. I think it will be harder if the guppy is a girl, I know I will keep wondering if you would have looked like her or acted like her. Sometimes it feels like the day I lost you, the pain of missing you will hit me without warning and it is like loosing you all over again. Other times it feels like January was years ago and that life has settled into a different kind of peace, the peace of knowing you are in a better place. And yet, there is always the dull ache in my arms and heart from constantly missing you. School is coming to and end baby girl and the kids are beyond restless! The school has been a mad house for the last week with the 8th graders getting ready to graduate. I was happy to finish up grading the kids projects today but packing up my classroom has been bittersweet. It has been a crazy year but I had such a wonderful time teaching my little drama babies. I had my final review today from my administrator and got wonderful marks and feedback on everything! It was so nice to finally be recognized for all of the work I have put into creating the program from scratch. I love you baby girl with all my heart. Please watch over your little brother or sister. I find myself in a constant state of worry over this little one. I love you my minnow.
Love,
Fish
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
After Every Storm....
Dear Minnow,
I am so sorry for not writting lately. As usual things have been very busy and there are so many changes on the horizon for our little family. I can finally say it on here, although your daddy does not want to do the whole facebook annoucement until July but your going to be a big sister Brennan! I am 12 weeks along with a little rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with you baby girl. I thought I had bad morning sickness with you minnow but this little one seems to be reeking havoc on my belly! I guess it is in part because this little one started out as two little ones. I started bleeding at 5 or 6 weeks but the doctors couldn't figure out why since the baby appeared to be doing fine. Then at 8 weeks Resa my wonderful midwife was able to see an empty sac hidden behind the baby. The doctors keep telling me that 80% of twins "vanish" or don't develope in early pregnancy but I still feel bad that another sibling has joined you in heaven even if I didn't know it was there. We had our end of the first trimester scan last night with Dr. Stern, mommy was so nervous and as I laid there all the memories of your first trimester scan came floading back, how you barely moved and how your poor little jaw was practically not there. That scan was the begining of the end. I cried so hard and could hardly breath as Dr. Stern prepped my belly, but thank the Lord, what we saw on the screen was your little sibling rolling around, kicking his or her feet. And of course Dr. Stern paid extra close attention to the chin, and there it was, a perfectly normal sized chin! I wish you could be here baby girl. I wish you were here with us and able to grow up here with your little brother or sister. Please watch over your sibling my minnow. We have been calling this baby guppy.
I miss you Brennan, and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise there is plenty of room in there for both or I guess all three of my little ones. Oh I finished your blanket! Your auntie Gina is just adding the edging she even embroidered your name and birthday on it :-). I haven't decided if I am going to start one for the guppy. I have to be honest, it has been hard for me to connect with this baby. It just seems too good to be true, I keep expecting this baby to be taken away from me the way you were taken away. I love your my minnow. I will always, always love you!!
Love always,
Mommy
I am so sorry for not writting lately. As usual things have been very busy and there are so many changes on the horizon for our little family. I can finally say it on here, although your daddy does not want to do the whole facebook annoucement until July but your going to be a big sister Brennan! I am 12 weeks along with a little rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with you baby girl. I thought I had bad morning sickness with you minnow but this little one seems to be reeking havoc on my belly! I guess it is in part because this little one started out as two little ones. I started bleeding at 5 or 6 weeks but the doctors couldn't figure out why since the baby appeared to be doing fine. Then at 8 weeks Resa my wonderful midwife was able to see an empty sac hidden behind the baby. The doctors keep telling me that 80% of twins "vanish" or don't develope in early pregnancy but I still feel bad that another sibling has joined you in heaven even if I didn't know it was there. We had our end of the first trimester scan last night with Dr. Stern, mommy was so nervous and as I laid there all the memories of your first trimester scan came floading back, how you barely moved and how your poor little jaw was practically not there. That scan was the begining of the end. I cried so hard and could hardly breath as Dr. Stern prepped my belly, but thank the Lord, what we saw on the screen was your little sibling rolling around, kicking his or her feet. And of course Dr. Stern paid extra close attention to the chin, and there it was, a perfectly normal sized chin! I wish you could be here baby girl. I wish you were here with us and able to grow up here with your little brother or sister. Please watch over your sibling my minnow. We have been calling this baby guppy.
I miss you Brennan, and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise there is plenty of room in there for both or I guess all three of my little ones. Oh I finished your blanket! Your auntie Gina is just adding the edging she even embroidered your name and birthday on it :-). I haven't decided if I am going to start one for the guppy. I have to be honest, it has been hard for me to connect with this baby. It just seems too good to be true, I keep expecting this baby to be taken away from me the way you were taken away. I love your my minnow. I will always, always love you!!
Love always,
Mommy
Friday, June 3, 2011
Due Date
Dear Minnow,
Today I am supposed to hold you in my arms. Today I am supposed to see what color your hair is and if you have your daddy's eyes. Today I am supposed to meet you, but God had a different plan. Today it has been four months, two weeks and one day since we said goodbye. I know it wasn't God's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, your poor body was just broken from the start. I know you are in a better place now my little one. Loosing you has taught me so much. It taught me to love deeper. It showed me who disappears when things get ugly and who jumps on the first plane to keep me company while I am on bed rest or lies to the nurses just so they can hold my hand during the hardest moments of my life. It brought your daddy and I closer together minnow. Tragedy can either tear a couple apart or it can melt them together like the burn of saudering iron. Loosing you tried my faith in God. I was lost for a while but God never left my side, I see that now. I never thought I would survive loosing you Brennan. There are still times in my darkest hours when hope is hard to find but I know you want me to keep going. Send me hope baby girl. So today is really just another day without you, I am living without my daughter. I will never be the same, a part of me will always be missing but minnow, I would not have given up one moment I spent with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my daughter, my first born, my minnow and no one will ever replace you.
Love always,
Your Mommy
Today I am supposed to hold you in my arms. Today I am supposed to see what color your hair is and if you have your daddy's eyes. Today I am supposed to meet you, but God had a different plan. Today it has been four months, two weeks and one day since we said goodbye. I know it wasn't God's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, your poor body was just broken from the start. I know you are in a better place now my little one. Loosing you has taught me so much. It taught me to love deeper. It showed me who disappears when things get ugly and who jumps on the first plane to keep me company while I am on bed rest or lies to the nurses just so they can hold my hand during the hardest moments of my life. It brought your daddy and I closer together minnow. Tragedy can either tear a couple apart or it can melt them together like the burn of saudering iron. Loosing you tried my faith in God. I was lost for a while but God never left my side, I see that now. I never thought I would survive loosing you Brennan. There are still times in my darkest hours when hope is hard to find but I know you want me to keep going. Send me hope baby girl. So today is really just another day without you, I am living without my daughter. I will never be the same, a part of me will always be missing but minnow, I would not have given up one moment I spent with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my daughter, my first born, my minnow and no one will ever replace you.
Love always,
Your Mommy
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