Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Summer Lovin

Dear Minnow,
18 weeks with guppy
Hi baby girl. I know it has been a while since I last wrote, it has been a very busy summer! I am having a fun but tiring time running drama camp again this summer. Yesterday was Mad Scientist Day! We ran all sorts of crazy experiments for the kids. Gotta love getting paid to make mentos and diet coke explode lol. Mommy's belly is growing and growing minnow! I know that should make me let go of some of the fear but it's so hard when you've had your world taken away from you once before. I promised myself I would do all of the fun pregnant things normal women do that I never got to do with you so this week I have begun to register for baby things and have started to plan the nursery. Doing all of these things make me miss you though. I miss you terribly little one. I am truly trying to relax and have hope that your little sister will be born happy and healthy in December but December seems so far away. I am 18 weeks pregnant and that was when I started having contractions with you. They started out as back pain and then at 19 weeks at your level II ultrasound we found out you weren't going to make it. All the memories have come flooding back minnow. Everyone keeps telling me to keep in mind that this pregnancy is different but I still get so scared over every little ache and pain. I know going in for a sanity check with Resa would calm me but with camp it is impossible to get there before they close. Maybe I will luck out and everyone will be picked up on time today. I love you my little minnow with all my heart. I have started to feel your little sister fluttering around in my belly. It seems so surreal. Please keep an eye on your little sister. I love you always baby girl.
               love,
         Mommy

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dreaming?

Dear Minnow,
      Mommy's belly has gotten so big little one! When I was pregnant with you I barely showed even right before you were born at 21 weeks. This time around I have been showing for weeks! Look how big my belly is at 16 weeks with guppy.

When I was pregnant with you I was convinced that you were a boy. I even bought you a whole nursery set that I found for super cheap on craigs list that was blue with lighthouses and sailboats because I knew you were going to be a boy. I was so surprised at 12 weeks when the nurse told us that she was pretty certain you were a girl and then again at 13 weeks when the CVS results confirmed that you were a girl not a boy. I remember being so happy that I was going to have a daughter but in the same instance I knew that I was more than likely going to loose my daughter. There is such a special bond between mother's and daughters minnow. It is beautiful but it also ripped me apart at the seams to loose you after forming that bond. Your daddy and I were equally convinced that guppy is a boy. I went on etsy and saved pictures of all of the cute boy nursery decorations and bought a cute little pirate onesie. We were both stunned to find out at guppy's 16 week scan last week that he is actually a she. You have a little sister Brennan and mommy prays that she will stay healthy and join your daddy and I in December. I will be honest minnow, I am having a hard time connecting to your little sister. I thought that having a boy this time around would be easier for me. It would distance this pregnancy from my pregnancy with you. I keep slipping and calling my belly Brennan not the name we have chosen for her which is Maura Grace. I feel guilty when I am happy little one, like I am betraying you and I am still so scared that this daughter too will leave me. I wish you could be here when she is born Brennan. My daughters Brennan Esther and Maura Grace. I love you both so much. Please look after your little sister minnow. Please ask God to keep her safe and healthy and let her live on earth with your daddy and I. I love you minnow with all my heart.
               Love always,
              Mommy

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Long weekends

Dear Minnow,
      I just love long weekends. Your daddy and I met the family up at the lodge where we were married to celebrate the fourth of July. It was such a beautiful weekend minus the torrential storm that ended up keeping me there an extra night (I drove back Monday at 4 a.m to get to work on time!). It was just hot enough to enjoy a swim in the lake and your daddy was nice enough to take me into town to walk through the old antique stores one afternoon! Sunday night we had your dad's birthday dinner. It is a tradition in his family for the person closest to the birthday boy or girl to stand up and give a toast in their honor. I have been the one to give your dad's toast since we got married and every year I write him a silly poem teasing him about this or that. This year was harder though little one. I spoke from my heart this year. Your dad has been my rock this year. After I lost you I fell apart and that man took the time to glue each piece back in place. That is love. I'm so lucky to have him in my life minnow. Please do mommy a favor and keep watch over your little brother or sister. I have my 16 week scan on Monday so mommy's nerves are fried. I am just so worried of loosing this baby too. If it is a girl I think we are going to name her Maura Grace, when I was pregnant with you I used to dream of my future family and I would say in my head "and these are my daughters Brennan and Maura." It just seems like the name of your sister my minnow. Know that mommy thinks of you all the time baby girl, not one day goes by when I don't miss you or mention you. You are my daughter Brennan and I love you so much, always.
         Love,
Fish