Fear

Dear Minnow,
         Today was a hard day little one. I went to the doctors for a check up and ended up having a really horrible anxiety attack or whatever you call it when your ptsd kicks in full force. I kept seeing myself there in that office scheduling appointments for you. I lost it minnow. The poor receptionist must think I am crazy. It took all of my strength not to run out. Thank God for our wonderful midwife Resa, as soon as she saw me she just knew and hugged me and talked me down. I am so grateful to have her in my life and as my doctor. I really wish she could have been the one to deliver you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you baby girl. I love you with all my heart.
        Love,
 Mommy

Checking in

Dear Minnow,
       Hi little one, guess what, it's spring break!! It could not have come at a better time! This past week I have been insanely busy, well actually this month has been insanely busy! Directing three plays that all open in the same month was not the brightest idea but it certainly has kept me busy and happy. I feel so much better when I am in the theatre directing. It helps to know that although I did not get the chance to teach you or make an impact on your life that maybe I am making a difference in these kids lives. I love you baby girl! I promise I will post sometime tomorrow, I have a few pictures from the cherry blossom festival I will post. I love you with all my heart my little minnow!
                           Love always,
                            Mommy

Of Course...

Dear Minnow,
                A song about heaven came on the radio and the flood gates opened again. Fucking country music station. My whole body longs to hold you little one. It is a pain so deep only other mothers of angels know. I love you with all my heart.
                            Love,
                            Mommy

Healing Moments

Dear Minnow,
        I know it has been a while since my last post but I promise you I have written a thousand in my head during the last week. Life has been busy but it has also been good. Remember how I told you about my new student helper who shares your name? I was so scared at first, how could I ever bond with a Brennan that wasn't MY Brennan, one that wasn't you little one? I have always thought of my students as my kids and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with this one because of everything that name means to me. I thought just hearing your name everyday minnow would make me even more sad about loosing you, but something I never expected happened. It ended up being such a healing experience. God knew I needed a Brennan in my life, and since I couldn't have you here with me little one he sent me another. He is everything I dreamed you'd be and honestly, teaching him and sharing my love of theatre with him makes me feel like I am teaching you. I can't help but laugh at how bizarre and mysterious God's ways are, but I finally feel the healing and comfort that I have been waiting for these long months since my world turned upside down. I never thought I would find healing here. Your daddy and I are trying for another baby minnow. I had a dream last night that you had a sister. She was chubby and had one tooth, you were there too little one but you were older and almost floating behind her smiling as she cooed and giggled. I feel ready to start another pregnancy journey. I pray we do not have to wait long to begin. I love you my little minnow and I miss you everyday. Good things are happening baby girl, I feel like life is returning to me.
                 Love always and forever,
                  Fish