Friday, October 19, 2012

Sleepless Nights

Dear Minnow,
         Hi my little one. I know it has been so long since I last wrote but I promise you are always on my mind especially lately. October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, I light a candle for you and sat in the living room with your little sister in my lap and watched it flicker and glow. The poor guppy has been sick all week it's just a cold but I still can't help but worry. She has been up most of the night each night this week, it's currently 4:26 a.m and after sneezing and coughing herself awake and a temperature check we are down in the living room. Little miss guppy has a hard time getting back to sleep if she fully wakes up in the middle of the night and between the thermometer and a very worried Wrigley sneaking into the nursery to lick her face it is safe to say the guppy is wide awake. I have found there is only one way to get her back to sleep in cases like this, let her play or watch Sesame Street until she starts to rub her eyes then redo her bedtime ritual (diaper change, nurse, rocking and snuggling). If anyone else kept me up until 4 in the morning I would be furious, yet here I sit in awe of my little rainbow standing in front of me "talking" to Elmo. I never knew I could feel so much love. She is walking, can you believe it? Where has the time gone my minnow? Life is good little one, I am truly blessed. I love you my sweet Brennan.
                                           Love always,
                                           Fish

Sunday, July 22, 2012

7 months already?

Dear Minnow,
          I know it has been a long time since mama wrote to you. I'm sorry little one, time gets away from me these days, I can't believe how fast it flies by. It has been a year and a half since you left us and just over half a year since your little sister joined us. She is so big already! Yesterday she crawled for the first time, she has been trying so hard the past few weeks and finally managed to get it right. Today she seems to have decided that she can get around faster doing this part twirl part moving downward facing dog thing lol. She is such a sweet girl Brennan. Everyday I look at her and am just bursting with thankfulness and happiness, even on the rough days when she refuses to nap (she hates to nap, even as a newborn she was always afraid she would miss something if she slept when I wasn't sleeping). Life has become a wonderful whirl wind of sleepless nights, baby giggles and never ending laundry. I can't help but look into her big blue gray eyes and wonder if yours were the same color. Would you have had her chubby cheeks too? I know God had his reasons for taking you and although I will never understand them, I finally feel at peace with it. Your daddy and I joke that Maura Grace is so easy going and sweet because God wanted to make it up to us. The guppy is beginning to stir, I'll try to write more often my little one. Know that mama, guppy and daddy love you very very much and think of you everyday.
                  Love always,
                     Fish
Guppy at 7 months

6 months so happy

Mama Fish and Guppy on father's day
                    

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Mother to Mother

Dear Minnow,
         Spring is in the air, well almost summer really. Either way it seems to be baby season around here. I now have 5 women in my life who are expecting one of which is your auntie Kai!! I am soo thrilled!! Looks like the guppy will have plenty of playmates by next spring. When I was pregnant with your little sister a friend posted a blog a review of all of the baby items she found helpful and the she could have totally gone without. It was extremely helpful! There are just too many babysites out there trying to convince you that you need way more crap than you actually do. Here is my list of the items I found really helpful along with some things I'll switch out next time around. Just remember, every baby is different, my friend's daughter didn't like her swing, it has been a lifesaver with guppy though, like everything in motherhood it's all about trial and error.

Okay here goes the list in no particular order:

Pack N' Play: I've been using ours next to my bed instead of a bassinet, although it's great for traveling it's a bit of a pain in the butt for nursing. Getting out of bed to lift her out of it in the middle of the night stinks and even to check on her or put the binky in her mouth requires dangling off the bed head first (I swear that is how the whole messed up wrist thing started). I would gladly trade in my pack n' play for an arms reach co-sleeper.

Bouncy Seat: You want one of these. I actually have two, we bought one at the moms of multiples consignment sale, it was cute and pink and vibrated but a friend of mine also lent me this one Awesome at first I was like why on earth do I need this one. Turns out most babies like to sleep inclined especially if they have reflux which Guppy did at first. The bouncing is also much more like what they feel in the womb. I literally put the awesome bouncy seat in the pack n play and that is where she slept for the first few weeks. We liked it so much in fact that when we saw the same one at my favorite consignment store for only $20 will bought so we wouldn't have to keep lugging the one we borrowed up and down the stairs for naps. I would say try to find a used one though they are very sturdy and hold up well used.

Playmat: You can't really go wrong with playmats. Guppy has a jungle themed one from fischer price that she loves she also like to lick the elephant that came with it. This is the one she has, I like it because the toys all detach so you can move them around the mat or add other toys. Obviously you don't need a playmat but they're really helpful, I can get things done and she is happy to play on it.

Baby Clothes: Buy them used, especially newborn stuff the first few baby blowouts will ruin those cute going home outfits also if your nursing you might end up with rusty colored spit up on everything (sometimes your nipples bleed at first so the baby spits up milk mixed with blood from your nipples which stains). Another reason to buy used, you might give birth to a nudist like the guppy.

Stroller: I kept saying I didn't want one, I'm really glad I have one. Although I prefer to wear the guppy for small trips, the stroller is great for long walks outside and places like the mall. I have This One and love it. It's beyond easy to push and turn and the wheels are big enough to handle off roading.

Babywearing: I went a little overboard, I bought a moby and a maya ring sling before the guppy was born. I sooner realized that the moby was a pain in the butt yes it worked and she loved it once she was in but it took me so long to tie it that she would scream her head off until she was in it. I still have high hopes for the maya but when the guppy was a newborn it just didn't give enough neck support. A friend of mine introduced me to the hotsling and I was hooked! I love my hotsling it is soo easy and there are a bunch of different positions all of which the guppy loves. I also bought mine used, best $18 I've spent on baby gear.

Baby Bath tub: Don't go overboard, babies r us carries baby spas and expensive baths, don't waste your money on something fancy. I love our little pink bathtub, I think it's fischer price. Ours fits over the kitchen sink which was great when she was little. We got a solid 3 months of use out of it before the guppy's legs got too long and she figured out how to push herself over the bump that is supposed to keep the baby in place. She also started to kick her legs over the sides so we have moved into the big bathtub with a rolled up towel under her head. We will definitely be using it again for the next baby.

Diapers: I love our cloth diapers.We mostly use bumgenius and have a few sunbabies. I totally suggest cloth diapering but make sure you either rent newborn cloth diapers, use prefolds or use disposables for the first 6 weeks. As much as I hate disposables the bumgenius just didn't fit right until 6 weeks.

well I'll add more as they come to me. Nursing gear needs a whole entry of it's own.
                    love always,
                    Fish


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Nights Like This

Dear Minnow,
       I love nights like this.Your little sister fell asleep in my arms after a long bath full of giggles and splashes and went down in her bassinet without a fight.Your daddy is driving your auntie to her sleepover (there is a teacher work day tomorrow) and for the first time in a very very long time I have the house to myself, with the exception of the sleeping guppy of course. Your daddy is still job searching but I am trying to let go and trust that he will get hired somewhere, I can't afford anymore sleepless nights grinding my teeth and worrying. I'm just going to concentrate on the good things. For a while there I was drowning under all of the diapers and laundry and sleepless nights but I finally feel like I am learning to balance mom me with me me. I realized that I need to make time to workout, to see my friends, to dance, and for theatre.Friday I am going to be teaching my first workshop since the guppy was born. I am really excited to be back in the classroom, if the workshop goes well I might be teaching a drama elective class for them a few hours week next year (assuming your daddy gets a job here). I am really hoping he will find a job somewhere near family, so either here, in New England, North Carolina or Washington. As usual I have absolutely no idea what plans God has in store for our little family, but one thing is for certain, He knows whats best for us. Well my little one, mama can barely keep her eyes open. I love you with all my heart.
                         Love always,
                          Fish

Friday, April 6, 2012

Tonight

Dear Minnow,
          Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy.  I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
                  Love,
                  Mama

Thursday, March 15, 2012

checking in

Dear Minnow,
          I'm so sorry I have been such a bad blogger lately! I promise not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Your little sister is growing like a weed! She can already roll over at 2 months! I cant help but be amazed that she is here with us. Your daddy might be changing jobs, its looking more and more like we'll be moving across the country to Seattle. I really hope he will find a job here so we won't have to move. I finally feel like I fit here, like I've found a home to raise your sister and we might have to move! I know it's in God's hands I just have to let it go and see what happens. I have to run little one but know that mama loves you always.
                                          Love,
                                          Fish


 
Guppy 2.5 months her happy squeal

                                        

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Days Go By

Dear Minnow,
       Hi baby girl! I finally have a moment to sit and write you. Your daddy has been traveling a lot the past two weeks which makes life a little harder then usually. Your little sister and I had a few rough days and sleepless nights but for the most part we're getting the hang of things. She's sitting in her bouncy seat by my feet trying to fight sleep. We went and saw your auntie Risa this week for my 6 week check up, I think she's earned the title of aunt. It was so great to see her! She scooped up your little sister and showed her off to all of the nurses and staff. She also remembered your birthday and asked how it went. She is such a caring person. Your auntie MK asked me the other day why so many people get to be called aunt who aren't actually the guppy's aunt ( she's a little jealous). I grew up with tons of aunts, auntie Laurie, auntie Cindy, auntie Lorraine, auntie Patsy, none of which are actually related to me and then two blood related aunts, auntie Marcie and aunt Marie. I see aunt as a term of endearment and respect for the women who play a big role in your child's life. You and your sister have auntie Amanda, auntie Gina, auntie Beth, auntie Laura, auntie Molls who are not related to you and I'm sure the list will continue to grow. You also have your auntie Kai, aunt MK and aunt Colleen who are my sister and my sisters in law and then your auntie Ruth and auntie Adrianne who are my cousins but might as well be my sisters. I know that's a lot of aunts lol :-). It really does take a village. Let's see, what else is new? I'm very eager to start going to the gym again, I've got a lot of baby weight to loose. I think about you a lot my little minnow, I know your here with us. I promise to write again soon.
             Love always,
         Fish
ps. Motherhood makes you do strange things, you know how I love making lists so here is a list of things I find myself doing sometimes on a daily basis that probably make me seem crazy to the average observer.
1. Whenever your little sister makes a noise (oos, ahhs, coos) we all make it back to her, it's supposed to encourage her to explore her voice but it feels like we are stuck in an episode of Pee-Wee's playhouse and she keeps saying the word of the day.
2. You have to use special diaper cream with cloth diapers, we have a big thing of coconut oil and a little tub of BUTTer that smells like a pina colata, somewhere along the line I started singing "You put the lime in the coconut" whenever I put the coconut oil on your sister's butt and "If you like pina coolatas" when we use the BUTTer.... any given night you will find me elbow deep in poop in the nursery singing one of those songs, it might seem crazy but it keeps the guppy from crying.
3. I frequently can't remember if I have brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, eaten anything or peed at all that day. 
4. I become disoriented if I sleep for more than 3 hours in one stretch.
5. I have woken up in the middle of the night breastfeeding my pillow on multiple occasions, usually when Maura has slept through her usual every 3 hour feeding thus leaving me disoriented from too much sleep.
6. I can fall asleep anywhere, with any or all lights on and regardless of how loud your dad is blarring the tv, if your sister falls asleep I drop where I am and try to sleep too.
7. There are two boob shaped stains on my side of the bed, I like to sleep on my stomach but when I do so my boobs leak like faucets...I just don't care.
8. Things I would have thought were disgusting don't phase me anymore, I frequently pick pacifiers up off the floor and stick them in my mouth before depositing them back in the guppy's mouth, you might find me picking through the hamper for a nursing shirt, everything I own now has some form of baby stain on it but I wear them anyways, at any given time there is breast milk, spit up, baby pee or poop or all of the above somewhere on my persons...I really do love motherhood though I promise :-)

Friday, January 20, 2012

A Year Without You

Dear Minnow,
       Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:

In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
As if all the stars
Were laughing
When you look
At the sky at night
And there is sweetness
In the laughter of all the stars…
And in the memories of those you love.
it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
              Love always,
                    Fish

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Happy Tired

Dear Minnow,
         Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
                          Love always,
                           Mama
Guppy and I

Guppy at 3 weeks

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

1st Week

Dear Minnow,
        I promise I will write you soon. I keep meaning to write your little sister's birth story but she keeps me pretty busy these days and I am loving every minute of it! She is currently asleep on daddy's chest. Today was my first solo day with her and I am happy to say it was a success. Guppy was up all night being gassy and your daddy had to work in NJ this morning so I was up by myself all night, I finally got to fufill my dream of rocking my baby to sleep in that glider and singing all of the lullabies to her that I sang to you when you were in my belly. Your little sister is just like your daddy, she prefers to stay up late and then sleep until noon with little food breaks in between. Thankfully that meant I got to sleep late this morning too. Her belly button stump fell off last night so today I put her in her first cloth diaper :-). It gives her the cutest little bubble butt lol. Today was a great day. I know your here with us baby girl. Know that we love you always.
                                                 Love,
                                                Fish