Tonight

Dear Minnow,
          Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy.  I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
                  Love,
                  Mama