Mothers And Daughters

Dear Minnow,
             It's been a rough week baby girl, my mother, your meme spent most of the week in the ICU. I guess I haven't told you much about your meme. She was super mom when I was little, how she managed to balance working, raising three kids on a seriously tight budget and still be the "the cool mom" that all of my friends loved is beyond me. Every fall we would make homemade grape jelly from the wild grapes that grew in the woods behind our house, we had a weekly bon fire at the beach during the summer, she hosted our annual kids only new years eve party and every St. Patrick's day she would make green eggs and ham for us and all of our friends. Then when I was 13 she had surgery to replace a plate in her back  and had a seizure that caused a bleed in her spinal cord that left her paralyzed on one side and severely epileptic. She had a really bad seizure the other day and well, their not sure about what exactly happened next but they couldn't wake her the next morning so they took her to the ICU. It's been a few days now and she is finally out of the ICU and stable, she is having trouble hearing but her liver and kidney function are doing better. Sometimes it's really hard not to have my mother around. It's hard enough living 8 hours away but not even being able to call her or ask her for advice really sucks sometimes. I felt the same way when I lost you, I needed my mommy. All I wanted was her to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay because I knew she could at least imagine the pain I was feeling, the same pain she'd feel if she lost me or your Auntie but I couldn't burden my mother with what I was feeling, I had to put on a strong face for her and lie and say I was fine while I was breaking inside. I can't tell her how worried I am that I'll loose your little sister too, I can't tell her how almost loosing her this week shook my confidence as a mother I mean even if I can't rely on her for advice or help, I don't know how I would mother without my mother. Okay enough of me venting, sorry for being so emotional today little one. Here is something happier, your cousin Kara, well your dad's cousin Kara is a photography major and she offered to take some maternity photos for me, she is using some of them for a project she is doing on body image. They came out great! I miss you baby girl. Sorry again for the rant. I love you minnow.
                        Love always,
                        Fish

30 weeks with Guppy