A Year Without You

Dear Minnow,
       Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:

In one of the stars

I shall be living

In one of them

I shall be laughing

And so it will be

As if all the stars

Were laughing

When you look

At the sky at night

And there is sweetness

In the laughter of all the stars…

And in the memories of those you love.

it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
              Love always,
                    Fish