Decemeber

Dear Minnow,
        It is officially December baby girl. I usually love everything to do with Christmas, when I was a kid my mom used to let us invite our friends over to decorate the house and tree. She would put sugar cookies in the oven and play our favorite tape of Christmas carol spoofs (The 12 things at Christmas that are such a pain to me, Grandma got run over by a reindeer ext) and we would all laugh and laugh and as we put together our fake Christmas tree and fight over who would hide baby Jesus (we hide him until Christmas eve then place him in the manger). Christmas' with my in-laws are just as joyous although much much louder :-) and every year since your daddy and I were first dating I would look forward to being thrown in the loud mix of 20 something cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings preparing Christmas ever dinner and tearing apparent presents. But last year I spent the holiday feeling so lost and alone on the inside and having to fake a smile and get through the family celebration while everyone turned a blind eye to my baby bump. I had the CVS and Amniocentesis last December and your daddy and I spent the holiday praying for some shred of good news. I remember sitting in church and crying, Christmas is about celebrating birth, the birth of our Lord, and there I was knowing deep inside that you were never going to celebrate a Christmas with us and wondering why I wasn't being allowing to carry a healthy child, why my child? Your dad and I talked a lot about this the other day on our way home from our 36 week check up for your little sister. You changed us baby girl, your daddy and I will never be the same people we were before we lost you, before I carried you, but we've realized that you changed us for the better. We love deeper, we appreciate life more, you showed me who I want to have a part in my life and not to waste this precious life surrounded by negative energy or sending out negative energy. You've helped me form connections to such amazing people and you've shown me the type of mother I want to be. I pray I will get a chance to be that type of mother to your little sister. We had our 36 week check up and met our doula this week. The doula is so nice and compassionate and really seemed to hit it off with us and Resa. Your sister has dropped and engaged which is great but my cervix is still hard and only 1cm dilated so we are starting to try natural ways of getting the cervix to soften, we are truly hoping that your little sister will come on her own before the 21st so that we do not have to use medication to induce. I just want her here safe and alive. Please watch over her Brennan. This weekend we will put up the tree and go to brunch for your great grandpa's 80th birthday. The house will be filled with relatives and Christmas music and I am going to try to be hopeful. I am going to try to soak it in and enjoy it and pray that by the time Christmas Eve comes I will holding your little sister in my arms. I love you with all my heart my little minnow and I miss you every second of every day and despite all of the pain, I thank God for making me your mother.
                                           Love always,
                                           Fish
PS. Almost a year ago I put our name on a waitlist for a Molly Bear, it's an organization that makes teddy bears for angel mommys so they will have something to hold in their arms when they can't hold their babies. I think it is such an amazing organization and especially right after I lost you all I wanted was to feel your weight in my arms. They had a fundraiser the other day where if you were one of the first to donate they would send you your bear by Christmas and we were one of the first to donate! I am so excited to see your bear, it is going to be a gift from you to your little sister so you will always be with her. :-)