* to readers

On Tuesday the doctor said the uterus and cervix had dropped preparing to miscarry. The backaches and cramping that had been happening on and off were actually contractions. Wednesday they gave me medication to start dilating the cervix, but my body went into back labor and heavy contractions. I was in labor without medication from 1pm to 3 pm when they finally put me to sleep. Before they put me to sleep the nurses and doctor held me and let me cry, they were wonderful and assured me that there was no way I could save Brennan. I didn't feel anything and the doctor told us afterward that Brennan was already gone. If they hadn't done the procedure I would have gone into early labor and miscarried within the next two days which they said would have been very dangerous for my body. God answered my prayer in his own time and took her with his own hands, not the doctor's. And for that I am eternally grateful. I love her with all my heart and I know she is finally at peace in a far better place. I pray that God will hold her close. I know my little minnow will always be a part of me. I am still a mother no matter what anyone says. I am the mother of a wonderful daughter who was too beautiful for this world.

Tears of God

Dear Minnow,
          Your daddy and I chose the name Brennan Esther for you. Esther was a lady from my Church back home who I loved very very much, she died the week before I met your father and I always thought she must have sent him to me since she could no longer take care of me herself, now I pray she will take care of you. I should have checked the meaning of the name Brennan before we chose it, although now the meaning seems all too fitting. Brennan means "Tears of God" or "Sorrow". I cannot put into words the amount of sorrow I feel. I can't imagine why this would be part of God's plan for us but I have no doubt that even he is crying for you baby girl. He finally heard my cry for help, he gave me the information I needed and the strength I need to be merciful. The level II ultrasound showed that your body is very broken little one, it is just not strong enough to hold such your beautiful spirit. Your not going to make it outside of mommy's belly minnow, the doctors don't even think your little heart will beat  very much longer inside mommy's belly. Your daddy and I love you too much to let you suffer anymore minnow. Wednesday you are going to go from mommy's belly back to God's hands. Please don't be scared my little minnow, I know it will be a big change but nothing can hurt you there and you'll have a new, perfect body to live in. You will always be with me Brennan, I will carry you in my heart everyday until I can hold you in my arms. Mommy is so scared to say goodbye to you, but I know you will be in a better place. I know this is what mercy means. Please don't worry about your mama minnow, I will do my best to be strong for you. I love you with all my heart and so does daddy. Remember that you were wanted baby girl and  you were loved and prayed for more than any baby in the world.You will always be our daughter and always be in our thoughts. I will always be your mommy. I love you my little minnow. I will love you forever and always.
                  Love,
                  Mommy

Where is God?

Dear Minnow,
      My dear little minnow. God chose not to hear our prayers. The genetic counselor called Thursday night and told us that you have an unbalanced translocation and that there is a large piece of genes from your 17th chromosome. The doctors said that there are no documented cases of this. They also said that there is no way you will have normal intelligent. They are sending us for a level II ultrasound on Tuesday to see if you have any physical features that would tell us what your life would be like. They said you could have skeletal dysplasia which would mean you wouldn't make it past a day or two outside of mommy's belly. Minnow, please show me what I should do. Please show me what would be best for you. I prayed so hard for a miracle, so many people prayed for a miracle and God ignored our prayers. God abandoned me minnow. I am your mother and I love you so much minnow, but part of being your mother is saving you from suffering. I don't know what to do minnow. I prayed that God would make this decision for me, but that prayer fell on deaf ears. I love you with all my heart minnow and I would do anything to hold you in my arms but I don't want my selfishness to be the cause of suffering for you. I have one last cry to God, I pray that he will make this choice so I do not have to, but I doubt he will hear me. I love you so much minnow.
                Love always,
              Mommy

Underwear

Dear Minnow,
     Is it wrong that I had a good week? With all that is still so up in the air and unknown, am I even allowed to have good weeks? We went back to school this week minnow and although you have been waking mommy up to pee multiple times a night (and right before the alarm goes off at 6 every morning) it was a good to be back in the classroom. My mentor Greg came in the other morning and asked if he could pray for you with me. I was so touched by the gesture. He is such an amazing friend and mentor. I think you might have had a growth spurt this week little one. Mommy has officially become too fat to comfortably fit in her pre-pregnancy panties, I guess my ass finally caught up to my boobs which out grew all of my bras back in the beginning of the first trimester (I went from a very small B cup to a D!!). So today I finally gave in and bough my first package of "Mom" undies. Granted I just could not go full granny pantie, who wants to go from Victoria's Secret lace panties to high waisted floral monstrosities.So I compromised and bought brightly colored cotton boy short undies (in a big size so they will be comfy).  Oh, Romeo and Juliet rehearsals at the high school were wonderful this week, I am so impressed by my cast :-). I want you to be able to read Romeo and Juliet when you get bigger minnow. There is so much I want you to see and be able to do little one and I am so scared that if you are missing information on your chromosomes you will never be able to do them. Please God, please don't let her be missing information. I love you so much my little minnow. I read that your ears have started to work this week and that you can hear me :-). I hope you like my singing baby girl, I have been singing to you all week. Take care my little one. Mommy and daddy love you so much!
    Love always,
     Fish

Rhode Island

Dear Minnow,
      Happy New Year little one and welcome to 2011. I am praying that 2011 will be filled with good news for us minnow. We rang in the new year surrounded by family and friends in the smallest state in all the union, mommy's home state of Rhode Island. Daddy and I left on Thursday morning and drove all the way up the East Coast to Newport. The first night we met my friends from the Newport Repertory Theatre (the theatre company mommy acted with in high school) downtown. It was so much fun to catch up with everyone and reminisce about old times. They really shaped me as an actor and director. Friday we spent time with your Mimi (my mother decided that is what she would like you to call her :). She rubbed my belly and talked to you for a while and we cuddled up next to her and looked through old photo albums with your dad, who thought it would be funny to post embarrassing pictures of your auntie Kai, uncle Zak and I on facebook! Needless to say that did not go over well.On Saturday we had our own mini Christmas with Kai, Ian, Zak, Mimi and Meme which was nice and then had dinner with your auntie Spedna and her family. Sunday was really wonderful, we went to the Church mommy grew up in and got to see all of the people who have been praying for you. I told Sonny Carter (Esther's husband) that we are naming you Brennan Esther for Esther Carter, he was so touched and cried tears of joy. We sat and talked about how much we miss Esther for a bit before the service began. It was Communion Sunday and after Communion it is my Church's tradition for everyone to hold hands in the aisle and sing the hymn "Bless be the tied that binds". That was my favorite part of service growing up, looking around the circle and just feeling so loved. Today we are back in Virginia my little minnow. The lab just called and said that they once again have no idea when your test results will come back. I have to admit that upon hearing that I broke down and have been crying and sleeping off and on for the past few hours. I am so tired little one. I am trying to be strong but mommy is so scared that you won't be okay and that we will get more bad news when the test results come in. Today you have been inside me for 18 weeks and 3 days. Is it selfish of me that I do not want to let you go even if your chromosomes are missing information? I keep praying that God will make this decision for me, one way or the other. I pray so deeply though that he will decide to make you my little miracle baby again and make it so that you are not missing any information on your chromosomes. I love you minnow and so does daddy and all of your Rhode Island family. No matter what you have been such a wonderful gift. Everyone is praying for you so hard. Please God send us another miracle.
         love always,
         Fish

Trusting

Dear Minnow,
         Looks like we have another long week of waiting ahead of us little one. The genetic counselor called today and told us that the sample of amniotic fluid they sent to the lab didn't have enough of your cells in it. The good news is that the cells from the CVS have finally grown enough to be tested so they were sent to the lab today. We won't find out until the mid to end of next week how much information your chromosomes are missing. I can't take this waiting anymore. It is ripping me apart. My heartbreaks every time I think about the possibility that you might not make it or might have mental disabilities and you will never be able to read this. Oh baby girl, I love you so much. I know I need to trust in the timing of God's results but I feel like we are dieing a slow death. My hope is dieing a slow death. I love you so much minnow. Please be okay little one. Mommy needs you to be okay.
       Love,
       Fish

Christmas

Dear Minnow,
    Merry Christmas little one. Mommy's belly has really grown this week and you are finally starting to show through. I have to admit that it is nice to show off the bump, people finally look at me like I am pregnant and not just fat. :-) We have spent the past few days spoiling your aunt MK and eating way too much with your aunts and uncles on your daddy's side (his family LOVES to eat!!). Needless to say you have been well fed minnow. Mommy's Church from home dedicated their Christmas Eve service to you minnow. They all prayed for you to be okay and for God to send us a miracle. I am so scared baby girl, I am praying so hard that we will finally get some good news and you will be here to celebrate Jesus' birthday with us next year. I have been waking up in the middle of the night worrying and find myself praying the same thing over and over again: Please God, hear our prayer, please send us a miracle, please let Brennan be okay, please don't take her from me. I know God will get us through whatever happens, I trust in his plan for us but I pray that it is his plan to save you. Mommy and daddy love you so much minnow, more than anyone will ever know. Merry Christmas my little one.
              Love,
               Fish

Let it be

Dear Minnow,
   Friday the genetic counselor, Mary a.ka, the barer of bad news called. She is a very nice woman and I am grateful for how compassionate she has been through this whole thing, she just sadly has the job of relaying all of the findings from the lab to us and so far most of the findings have been bad. She told us on Friday that the cells they were growing from the CVS for the next test were growing very slowly and may be contaminated from my cells, so long story short, you and I got to enjoy yet another needle in the stomach yesterday. Thankfully the amniocentesis was not quite as bad as the CVS was although the doctor had to push very very hard to get enough fluid which has mommy feeling like she took a folding chair to the side WWF style. We got to see you up on the screen during the procedure, you were squirming all around and laying upside down again, the doctors had to push on my stomach to get you to change positions, at which point you would simply roll over and play with your toes. We should find out how much information your little chromosomes are missing or have duplicated sometime next week. For now I am trying to push it out of my mind and enjoy our first Christmas together, please God, please don't let it be our last together.  I love you my little minnow. I am trying to have hope but I am so scared that I will only be hurt again and have to say goodbye to you all over again. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am young and that your daddy and I will have lots of other babies, I don't want another baby, I want you minnow!! I want  to hold you so badly and the thought that June will come without you hurts so badly. You are so strong baby, so much stronger than your mama. I am praying for you minnow. Know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and think about you every minute of everyday.
                           Love,
                          Fish

My Little Fighter

Dear minnow,
        We had an appointment with Risa the midwife this morning. I was certain you had left us baby girl but there was your little heartbeat. You are so small my little minnow but your heart beat was good. Risa was worried because you were not moving at first but then you gave us a little wiggle and kicked your feet so we could see. Risa said that you are developing very slowly and there is just no way to know if you will make it to June. We are still waiting to see what the chromosome scan says. Mommy is praying that your chromosomes are not missing important information and that you will live but mommy also knows that God has a plan and that he will help us through whatever that plan is. You are so strong little one, you have fought so hard from the very beginning. It is alright if you want to rest baby, it is okay if you want to be with God. I am so worried that you are fighting to stay alive just to make mommy happy, so that she will not be alone. It is my job to take care of you minnow, please don't worry about me. I will love you no matter what happens. You will always be my baby, my special special little minnow.
                       I will love you always,
                                   Fish

Praying for a Miracle

Dear Minnow,
          My dear little minnow. Your daddy and I recieved the final results from the CVS. They are not good little one. There are abnormalities on the bottoms of your 16th and 17th chromosomes. The doctors said that those results along with your jaw most likely means that your chromosomes are missing important information. Our only hope is that your father or I have the same mismatched chromosomes, which would mean you probably are not missing information since he and I are fine. But baby girl, the doctors don't think that is the case. We are praying for a miracle but God already sent us a miracle by saving you when we thought I had miscarried, I am afraid he has run out of miracles for us. The doctor is going to continue to grow your chromosomes to see how much information is missing. The chances of us loosing you keep getting higher and higher. I feel like God has abandoned us minnow. Your daddy is being strong for you because mommy can't be strong anymore. Mommy is doing all she can just to get through the days. Minnow please forgive me. God please forgive me. No matter what minnow you will always be my daughter and your daddy and I will always love you. Please little minnow ask God for a miracle, maybe he will hear you.
                     Love,
                     Mommy

Hanging on

Dear Minnow,
        I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately. We got the preliminary results from the CVS, you do not have Trisonomy 13, 18 or Downs Syndrome. I am so thankful to God for that, but unfortunately they still have to test for 30 other chromosomal abnormalities. Mommy is very scared. I just want to hold you in my arms baby girl. I don't want to let you go. Can't we just tell the doctors to shove the rest of the results and the rest of their tests and just have you? That is what mommy wants. Daddy is also scared though and wants to know as much information as he can. This week has been so hard on us and I am sure you are feeling mommy's stomach all tied up in knots. Did you know that in a week or so I will start to be able to feel you moving in there? On the ultrasounds you are always dancing around, I can't wait to feel all your swimming minnow! Please be okay minnow. We want you to grow up as our little girl so badly. We are all praying so hard that the test comes back normal and that your jaw will be okay. Please baby girl, my little minnow, please be okay. I love you so much!
                  Love,
                Fish

Still Hurting

Dear Minnow,
        Mommy and daddy aren't giving up hope yet, although hope is really hard to come by these days. Emily Dickinson said that Hope is a thing with feathers, maybe our hope has already flown away but I am doing everything I can to catch it. Today we met with a genetic counselor, unfortunately she couldn't tell us much of anything except that there is only a small chance that you have a chromosomal abnormality (which is a good thing, we don't want you to have one of those) but that they wanted to test anyways. So the doctor put a really long needle through mommy's belly and into her uterus to  take a sample from the placenta. The procedure hurt really badly and mommy may have swore a bit in the process. On Monday we will find out a few preliminary findings, just whether or not you have Trisonomy 13, 18 or 21 (13 and 18 are very very bad and 21 is downs syndrome). We will have to wait another week for to find out about the others. The bad news is that even if you test negative for chromosomal abnormalities you could still have one of over 60 different syndromes, some of which are so horrible baby. For now your Auntie Gina is keeping us company and your Auntie Amanda bought a plane ticket as soon as she heard and is flying down tomorrow night for the weekend. They are amazing friends, I hope you get to meet them. They love you baby. Minnow please get better, mommy and daddy love you so much and just want you to be okay and join us in June. Mommy has never hurt so badly inside, she wonders if she will ever smile again. Please minnow, there are so many people praying for you. I just pray God hears them, he doesn't seem to be hearing me. Please be okay, please come be my baby. Please don't leave me.
                     Love always,
                        Fish

Is this goodbye?

Dear Minnow,
      We went to the hospital for a level II ultrasound yesterday. We were there for so long, sitting in a waiting room full of very happy, very pregnant women. We watched you on the screen for a long time, as before you would not behave. The sonographer said that she thinks you might be a girl minnow, but she was very concerned with your chin. She left for a while to try to get you to settle down and lay in the right position. When she came back you behaved for a minute and she was able to get pictures of your profile and face. Baby girl, it looks like you barely have chin at all and that one of your legs is hyper extended. The doctor at the hospital said it could be one of two pages of syndromes or chromosomal issues, most of which include some form of mental disability. All we can do is try to get a CVS done this week before you are too big to do one to rule out the chromosomal malformations, but it could still be one of the completely mentally and physically debilitating syndromes. They want to know if we want to end the pregnancy and say goodbye to you. Mommy doesn't know what to do. Mommy's heart is breaking so badly, she feels like she has already lost you. Daddy is so scared. What do we do minnow? A life without a mind of your own, without communication or the ability to walk isn't a life I want for you but how can I justify ending the life God put inside me? The life he saved from miscarriage? Minnow please show mommy and daddy what to do. Please grow a jaw, please be a normal chubby happy baby. Please be my daughter. God please help us. I can't do this alone. Minnow please, please show the doctors what is wrong so we will know what to do. I still love you no matter what. Please grow.
                  love,
               Fish

Thanksgiving

Dear Minnow,
        Oh my dear little minnow, you just can't catch a break can you baby? We had our nuro-translucency ultrasound on Tuesday to check for Downs Syndrome. The test was actually a lot of fun as you would not behave for the doctor so mommy got to watch you up on the screen for almost two hours! It was so wonderful to watch you swimming around, playing with your little toes, you even laid upside down and took a nap sucking your thumb! You already have such a wonderful personality minnow :-). I just couldn't stop smiling and giggling as I watched you. The screen came back looking normal but then the head doctor came in and looked at your pictures. He told me that you have a small, recessed jaw and that it really stands out to him. He said that this means you will have breathing problems when you are born and could mean you have a cleft pallet or a syndrome of some kind which could mean you will not make it. Our midwife is also pretty concerned, she is sending us to the hospital for more tests on Tuesday. Mommy is so scared little one. I know you are doing all you can minnow, I won't ask anymore of you. Mommy and Daddy will love you no matter what happens.
                         I love you with all my heart minnow,
                                Fish

The Name Game

Dear Minnow,
            Naming a baby is a big decision. It's funny how the baby names I have had in my head have evolved over time. When I was in first grade we had to pick a pilgrim that had lived at Plymouth Rock to study and dress up as. I chose Oceanus, the first baby born on the Mayflower, I chose him simply because I liked the name. Then for years I thought I'd name my first daughter Oceaniana, then it became Oceanianaly (pronounced oci-anna-lee), then I decided I liked Gracie Anna, then Grace-Anne, then I realized how absurd all of those names were and stopped thinking about baby names all together. That is, until one high school sleepover when your Auntie Kailyn and your Auntie Gina decided that I was going to have 26 kids and started a list where people could pay to name my children (just an fyi, if you were number 26 your name would have to be Hoobastank, you'd have your Auntie Kai to thank for that.) Around that time my cousin on my father's side started having kids, and wouldn't you know they came up with the most vanilla names imaginable, James, Benjamin and Rachel...blah. So Gina and I started making a list of any names, weird, cool, pretty, that we heard in hopes that when we all had kids of our own we could look at the list and come up with something a little less white bread. The names I liked off the list were Weatherly, Torrent, Bowen, and Regan. In college I read the play Under Milkwood by Dylan Thomas, I instantly fell in love with the name Gossamer after one of the characters. Your daddy does not like that name. I still love it. Then one night your dad and I were watching Bones, and I said I liked the name Temperance. He said he liked it too then said what about the characters last name, Brennan. I fell in love with that name. It has nothing to do with the character or the tv show I just like the name, I had always liked it for a boy but had never thought about it for a girl. So we agreed if your a girl your name will be Brennan Esther, Esther after a dear dear friend of mine, family really from Church who died the week before I met your dad. I have always thought that she sent him to me, to take care of me since she couldn't anymore. I love her and miss her very much. I hope your girl so that her husband Sunny will still be alive to meet you. Your father and I had decided on the name Easton if your a boy. I love that name! It reminds me of home and the ocean and life back on the island in New England, but your dad changed his mind and now likes Peyton-James more...I don't love that name it reminds me of Peyton Manning the football player, yuck! I have also thought about the name Merson if you are a boy, that is your Great Grandfather's last name, he had five daughters so the Merson name will end with him so I think it might be nice if it lived on in you. Here's hoping we can convince daddy to pick Easton or Merson :-). I love you minnow, sorry to babble on so much!
                               Love,
                            Fish

12 Weeks 1 Day

Welcome to the second trimester minnow!!
           I am happy to say that things have improved since my last post. I started spotting again last night so I called Risa the midwife this morning and she was able to sneak us in for a check up this afternoon. There you were on the screen, nearly triple the size you were during your last ultrasound a month ago!! Risa says you are quite the mover, the whole time you were happily kicking away and waving your arms at us :-). I think your gonna be a dancer when you grow up, let's just hope you don't have your father's sense of rhythm! Risa said that during pregnancy the cervix becomes veiny and can sometimes get agitated and cause spotting for no real reason. She told me that unless I see dark red blood I'm fine, if I see dark red blood I need to call her immediately and  in her words "get your ass to the hospital".  She told me she knows that my last doctor did a lot of damage to my confidence and scared me a lot. Risa says that she's going to take care of me and that I just need to trust her. She said that with the ultrasound next week and a check up with her the following week she is hoping I will start to feel more comfortable and stable in the pregnancy. I am so thankful for her. God works in mysterious ways and I am so glad he put her healing presence in my life, well our lives :-). I still can't get over how big you have gotten minnow! I've gained three pounds in the past month and have quite the little round bump starting. I even bought my first pair of maternity pants yesterday lol. I will be sure to take some pictures this weekend. I love you my little minnow! Keep growing!
                                   love,
                                 Fish
           

Worried

Dear Minnow,
          You've got mommy worried again little one. I started with just a little tiny bit of spotting again. Please keep growing minnow. Mommy and daddy want you to stay safe and sound for the next 6+ months, could you please hang on till June? Please try minnow, we love you so much already!
                             Love,
                                 Fish

A Nursery in Progress

Dear Minnow,
           After a very busy week at work, daddy was ready for a nice relaxing weekend. Unfortunately for him mommy had different plans :-). I found a great deal on craigslist for the cutest nautical nursery bedding! The only downside? It was over an hour away in Germantown, Maryland! Needless to say, your mommy can't resist a good deal, and your daddy can't resist a chance to make your mommy smile :-). So after a lazy morning at home during which your father put man soap on my belly insisting he could turn you into a boy this way :-), no worries though, I washed my belly with girl soap afterward lol (...and yes mommy and daddy shower together sometimes, you'll just have to get over that fact) so anyways, off we drove to Germantown! The bedding set was even cuter than the pictures I had seen! I can't wait till your fast asleep in your little nautical nursery! After we picked up the set we went to downtown Bethesda to see the movie 127 hours (it was your daddy's pick). The movie was umm....interesting lol. Then we walked around Bethesda, it was such a beautiful early winter evening. Your 11 weeks old now my little minnow, keep growing strong! Mommy and daddy love you so much!
                               Love,
                               Fish

Ps. Your daddy really wants you to be a boy, maybe we could let him win this one ;-)

The Minnow takes DC

Dear Minnow,
           Saturday your daddy took us out on the town for date night. He is very good at planning dates and making us feel special from time to time :-). Saturday we took the metro into DC to see Hair at the Kennedy Center! It was your first trip to the theatre, as an audience memeber at least. Truth be told, in just the time you have spent in my belly you have already spent more time in the theatre than most adults spend in their whole lifetime. We generally spend around 8 hours a day working at one theatre or another (between the high school, univeristy and the middle school).Anyways, back to our date with daddy, we rode the metro into the city and had a wonderful lunch on the roof top terrace at the Kennedy Center before the show. Mommy may have forgotten to tell daddy what the play was about (hippies, lots of hippies) and that the actors run out into the audience and dance and climb over seats...needless to say he was more than a little suprised when the actor playing Berger climbed through the audience in nothing but a loincloth (he had gotten us second row seats). The expression on his face was priceless! After the show we met your auntie Gina at her apartment to help her get ready for the military ball and then went to dinner at my favorite resturant, a tapas place called Julieo. Dinner was great, we ate tons! Then we picked up a few cupcakes at Red Velvet and heading home to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. It was such a nice date night! Oh, your daddy bought you a present, a collection of the original Winnie the Pooh stories. He says it is the first thing he is going to read to you :-). That made mommy's heart melt, in the good way. I love you my little minnow, keep growing strong.

                               Love,
                            Fish

Say Cheese!

Dear Minnow,
          Today was our first appointment with Risa, the midwife. She is amazing! She has bright blue streaks in her hair so of course mommy liked her right away :-). Risa was very funny and very understanding especially about how scared I was about our whole ER fiasco. Unfortunately, Risa works out of Fairfax Hospital which does not offer water births. I have always wanted to do a water birth but I think it's more important for us to be in hands we can trust, so the hospital with Risa it is :-). Daddy and I also got to see you on an ultrasound today and you waved at us!! It was so cute! Risa turned the screen and said watch this and after a few seconds you wiggled up and down and then waved your little right arm at us which made me giggle which of course made you wiggle even more! Your already quite the mover! Keep growing and wiggling my little minnow. Mommy loves you!
                  
Love,
    Fish