Tonight

Dear Minnow,
          Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy.  I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
                  Love,
                  Mama

A Year Without You

Dear Minnow,
       Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:

In one of the stars

I shall be living

In one of them

I shall be laughing

And so it will be

As if all the stars

Were laughing

When you look

At the sky at night

And there is sweetness

In the laughter of all the stars…

And in the memories of those you love.

it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
              Love always,
                    Fish

Happy Tired

Dear Minnow,
         Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
                          Love always,
                           Mama

Guppy and I

Guppy at 3 weeks

Occupy Fish

Dear Minnow,

           Your little sister is still hanging in there. She is a stubborn little one, she must get it from her Portuguese side. Your auntie Kai has started calling this Occupy Fish instead of baby watch. I'm being induced on Wednesday, December 21st, 2011...I realized yesterday that I was induced with you on a Wednesday, Wednesday, January 19th, 2011. I keep praying your sister will come on her own so that the doctors won't have to give me pitocin like I had for you but she just doesn't want to budge. I'm honestly a little scared about being induced on a Wednesday since I lost you on a Wednesday. I know that is silly of me and I'm trying to push it out of my mind but I'm still scared something will go wrong and I'll loose guppy too. I miss you little one. Your Brennan bear from Molly Bears came this week! It is so cute and even has little seashell buttons. I am going to bring her to the hospital with me on Wednesday so you will be there in spirit with us. I really wish your little sister would come on her own but I have tried everything, evening prime rose oil, raspberry tea, walking, acupuncture, I'll just have to get over my fear of pitocin. I miss you minnow. I promise to post pictures of your molly bear soon. Here is a pic of the wreath I made today and one of mommy's huge belly from this week. We love you always Brennan, please keep your little sister safe.
                          Love always,
                            Fish

38 weeks and some odd days with Guppy

Figured I'd put the extra Christmas tree branches to good use

14 months

Dear Minnow,
         It has been an interesting week baby girl. The week started out with the entire family including some of your daddy's NY cousins going to brunch at the officer's club to celebrate your great granddad's 80th birthday. It was such a lovely day! On top of brunch being a delicious start to the holiday season, we walked into the club and there was a children's madrigal choir singing in the lobby. I couldn't see the kid's faces but asked someone what school they were from. Low and behold they were from the middle school I taught theatre at last year! I was so great to see the choir teacher, who even brought the kids over to sing happy birthday for granddad and to get hugs from a few of my old students :-). The day ended with a nice nap and then yoga class at the thrift store which really helped release some of my stress. I was really hoping the evening prime rose oil would work some magic on my cervix this week and bring your little sister closer to being born but there was no change at my 37 week check up Tuesday. That made me pretty bummed but thankfully it was also SPALS night (subsequent pregnancy after a loss support group). I love SPALS, I don't know how I would have stayed sane or gotten through this pregnancy without their support. I thank God everyday for bringing these amazing women into my life! I'm trying to let go of the last of my worries and come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be induced on the 21st. I just pray that God will continue to keep your little sister safe. I was thinking today, I have officially been pregnant for 14 out of the last 16 months....that is a freaking long time to be pregnant! I started making a mental list today of signs I've been pregnant for to long so I included what I've come up with so far. I miss you tons little one but I know your right here with us. I love you always.
                             Love,
                               Fish

You Know You've Been Pregnant For To Long When:
1) Your maternity jeans have started to wear through in the thighs from wearing them so much.
2) You no longer remember what real jeans feel like...or if you even still own a pair of non maternity jeans.
3) Getting up every few hours for feedings will be a welcome vacation from getting up to pee every 30 mins.
4) You don't own two bras that are the same size ( I went from an A to a D and now my cup runneth over)
5) Remember when you could wear heels?....I don't.
6) You've had to run to payless on the way to an event because your feet were too swollen to fit in your shoes.
7) Breathing out of your nose is a luxury...scratch that breathing these days has become a luxury guppy loves my ribcage. 
8) Your stomach moving on it's own has become the norm to you.
9) You out weigh your husband.
10)Alcohol.....what's that?

37 weeks with little sister Guppy

Decemeber

Dear Minnow,
        It is officially December baby girl. I usually love everything to do with Christmas, when I was a kid my mom used to let us invite our friends over to decorate the house and tree. She would put sugar cookies in the oven and play our favorite tape of Christmas carol spoofs (The 12 things at Christmas that are such a pain to me, Grandma got run over by a reindeer ext) and we would all laugh and laugh and as we put together our fake Christmas tree and fight over who would hide baby Jesus (we hide him until Christmas eve then place him in the manger). Christmas' with my in-laws are just as joyous although much much louder :-) and every year since your daddy and I were first dating I would look forward to being thrown in the loud mix of 20 something cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings preparing Christmas ever dinner and tearing apparent presents. But last year I spent the holiday feeling so lost and alone on the inside and having to fake a smile and get through the family celebration while everyone turned a blind eye to my baby bump. I had the CVS and Amniocentesis last December and your daddy and I spent the holiday praying for some shred of good news. I remember sitting in church and crying, Christmas is about celebrating birth, the birth of our Lord, and there I was knowing deep inside that you were never going to celebrate a Christmas with us and wondering why I wasn't being allowing to carry a healthy child, why my child? Your dad and I talked a lot about this the other day on our way home from our 36 week check up for your little sister. You changed us baby girl, your daddy and I will never be the same people we were before we lost you, before I carried you, but we've realized that you changed us for the better. We love deeper, we appreciate life more, you showed me who I want to have a part in my life and not to waste this precious life surrounded by negative energy or sending out negative energy. You've helped me form connections to such amazing people and you've shown me the type of mother I want to be. I pray I will get a chance to be that type of mother to your little sister. We had our 36 week check up and met our doula this week. The doula is so nice and compassionate and really seemed to hit it off with us and Resa. Your sister has dropped and engaged which is great but my cervix is still hard and only 1cm dilated so we are starting to try natural ways of getting the cervix to soften, we are truly hoping that your little sister will come on her own before the 21st so that we do not have to use medication to induce. I just want her here safe and alive. Please watch over her Brennan. This weekend we will put up the tree and go to brunch for your great grandpa's 80th birthday. The house will be filled with relatives and Christmas music and I am going to try to be hopeful. I am going to try to soak it in and enjoy it and pray that by the time Christmas Eve comes I will holding your little sister in my arms. I love you with all my heart my little minnow and I miss you every second of every day and despite all of the pain, I thank God for making me your mother.
                                           Love always,
                                           Fish
PS. Almost a year ago I put our name on a waitlist for a Molly Bear, it's an organization that makes teddy bears for angel mommys so they will have something to hold in their arms when they can't hold their babies. I think it is such an amazing organization and especially right after I lost you all I wanted was to feel your weight in my arms. They had a fundraiser the other day where if you were one of the first to donate they would send you your bear by Christmas and we were one of the first to donate! I am so excited to see your bear, it is going to be a gift from you to your little sister so you will always be with her. :-)

Thankful

Dear Minnow,
      I can barely keep my eyes but I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving little one. I've been thinking about you a lot today baby girl, one year ago today I was sitting by the fire up at the lodge sewing your baby blanket and praying for some sort of miracle as we waited for the results of the CVS to come in. I miss you Brennan. This year I am thankful for the time I had with you, I am thankful for the support and friendship of fellow baby loss mama's who have helped me through loosing your. I am thankful for your amazing daddy who put me back together after our world came crashing down. I am thankful to have family near, a career that I love, a belly full of food, sore cheeks from laughing so hard with friends today and your little sister in my belly. I am so scared that I will loose her too, but I am so thankful for this time I have with her. I know your with me minnow, every step of this journey. Please keep an eye on your little sister, please send her to us safe and sound. I love you with all my heart and I am so grateful you touched my life.

                                       Love always,
                                           Mommy

What They Don't Tell You..

Dear Minnow,
         Okay this whole third trimester thing is new to me. This pregnancy I knew what to expect from the first two trimesters, I had them down, but this is new territory. I had my 34 week check up with the midwife this week and ending up going in with a huge list of  "is this normal?". Now I frequent the usual parenting websites, thebump, parenting, babble, offbeatmama, babycenter ext., but I have come to the conclusion that they do a pretty piss poor job of accurately describing what your body will go through. Here are my real world translations:

"Morning Sickness"- yes they tell you that it will last all day, but what they don't tell you is that you probably  won't be able to keep your eyes open for more than a few hours at a time. The websites also make it sound like your feel sick, puke your guts out and then feel better.... in all actuality you might puke and feel better for a bit then puke again or in my case I felt sick all day, sick but then would dry heave over the toilet praying I would vomit and get it over with but never puked up anything besides bile.

"Lack of appetite"- yah, wouldn't that be nice, they really should say, you will more than likely be starving all the time, want to and possibly will eat everything in sight but then will immediately regret that decision when your once again hanging over the toilet hoping to puke.

"Heartburn"- that cute little bundle of joy in your belly can and will breath fire for the next 9 months, sometimes I think she is burning a hole in my esophagus. I'm at the bottom of my second jumbo size bottle of tums this pregnancy...I went through a full bottle when I was pregnant with you minnow :-).

"Staying active and eating right will help you avoid excess weight gain"- umm....wrong, just so wrong. Yes you should stay active and eat right that's common sense, but I gained 20 pounds in the two months I was running the summer camp. I was constantly on my feet, running around with the kids and rarely had time to eat the healthy lunches I packed. I was lucky if I got to eat a few crackers and a granola bar during the day let alone if I was still awake to cook dinner. As my midwife told me, your gonna gain what your gonna gain.

"Breast engorgement and darkening of the aureola may occur"- I got a taste of this when I was pregnant with you, I went from an A cup to a C cup, thank goodness your Auntie Gina has a larger chest and came to my rescue with bra's she had outgrown. But that still did not prepare me for the breast changes that happen in the 3rd trimester...I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I now have Nation Geographic boobs, the kind that are huge and round with nipples so dark they look like they've been painted on...I honestly did not recognize my own boobs, the websites should really warn you about that. *Side note: they also do not warn that after you loose a baby your milk might still let down. I learned that the hard way a few days after I lost you Brennan, looked down to find that I had soaked through my shirt.

"Sciatica"- why don't they just called it a sharp pain or muscle spasm that will randomly make it feel like your butt cheek, low back and back of your thigh is being pierced with a bolt of lightning? I felt it for the first time a few nights ago and literally had the mental image of my butt cheek and back being hit by lightning, reading the description on the website did me no good, it wasn't until I described the feeling to your Auntie Ruthie that I found out it was sciatica.

"Catch up on your sleep in the third trimester"- the third trimester is the first trimester only you feel like a whale and resemble a blimp. You'll be up to pee just as often as you were in the first trimester. I am tired most of the time, nauseous, thankfully not as hungry as the first trimester and ache in whole new places for whole new reasons. Oh, remember pregnancy acne? Yah that will come back and although the first trimester I could shower twice a day and still look like I hadn't washed my hair in a week, currently I could not wash my hair for days and still look like I just blow dried it...the rest of me however would reek! I don't remember any of the websites mentioning night sweats and heat flashes, which are apparently completely normal and have become an every night occurrence for me (hence the needing to get my smelly self into the shower first thing every morning). 

And lastly, although every baby loss website or baby loss mama will tell you that a new pregnancy or new baby isn't a cure all, the scar of loosing a child will always be there, it makes me sad to see so many women posting on regular pregnancy websites about how they just immediately want to get pregnant again. I felt that way too right after loosing you but I thankfully had other women who had been through baby loss already in my life and even though your daddy and I waited a few cycles before trying again, it hit me really hard when I saw that second pink line the first month we tried again. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet your little sister, but I still think of you everyday. I love both of you so much! My wonderful daughters. Please watch over your little sister minnow, please keep her safe. I love you with all my heart.
          Love always,
                Fish

Are We There yet?

Dear Minnow,
    Things have been crazy lately. Last week I was having an awful lot of anxiety about your little sister. I just started to get really scared that something will happen before she is born. I also had some sharp pains in my low abdomen which scared the crap out of me. Thank the Lord for our awesome midwife, I had my 32 week check up last Tuesday and told her about everything. She said the pain was from the position the guppy is in, she is head down already and was pushing on the scar tissue from having the cyst taken off my ovary, nothing to worry about just not so comfortable when she decides to jab her head into it. Resa also decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make me feel better about everything. It helped so much! I hadn't had an ultrasound since my 20 week anatomy scan so just seeing your little sister lifted a huge weight off my chest. The doctor said that everything looks healthy and that she is already 5.5 pounds and measuring at 35.5 weeks!! I know it is doubtful that Resa will induce any earlier than 39 weeks but I am secretly hoping the guppy will make an early appearance. I am still really scared something will go wrong, I just want her here in my arms. Your daddy and I have birthing class again tonight, last weeks class left me kind of scared about giving birth medication (I'm not scared of laboring without meds, I did that with you, just the actual pushing) but I have been reading a book on Hypnobirthing which is slowly giving me more confidence. Well, I'm off to finish Christmas shopping, since the guppy's nursery is pretty much complete I have had to shift my nesting instincts to preparing for Christmas. Please watch over your little sister. I love you my minnow, daddy and I miss you everyday.
                        Love always,
                         Mommy

The Guppy at 32 weeks 5 days, I wonder if you would have had chubby cheeks like these

She was not pleased at the ultrasound tech for waking her up :-)

Birthing Class....

Dear Minnow,
      Your dad and I went to our first birthing class last night. Our midwife recommended a hypnobirth class but we missed the deadline for all but one of the classes in the area and the only class left was twice as expensive as the others! Your Auntie Addie (the doula) suggested that since we couldn't take a hypnobirth class we should take a general prepared childbirth class and get hypnobirth books and cds from the library and work on that at home....I really need to get on reading the book, I started it and the whole concept behind the method makes so much sense I just have had a hard time getting myself to do anything to prepare because after a year of being pregnant it feels like the end will never be in sight. So anyways, your father dragged me kicking and screaming (well not kicking and screaming, more like moaning and bitching) to birthing class last night. It was certainly interesting...I think it was more helpful for your dad than it was for me. The instructor went through how to time contractions, the stages of labor and a few different relaxation techniques that our coaches can help us with. When I was in labor with you your poor dad didn't know what to do lol. He kept trying to get me to play games on his iphone and kept asking the nurse if they could give me anything for the pain which they couldn't and I didn't want. It was hard sitting there as the instructor described the first stages of labor because I remember what it felt like. By the time my doctor came to get me for the D&E I had been in full blown back labor for hours without meds, yes it hurt, my back was throbbing so badly I thought I was going to throw up, my ankles ached and I'd go from sweating to shaking but because I was in pre-op I wasn't allowed to get out of the recliner. I honestly think it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had known what was going on in my body and if I had been allowed to get out of the damn chair. My body knew what it needed, I needed to be on all fours. Your daddy wants me to get an epidural this time around, he is not convinced that being in labor with you was as painful as birthing your little sister will be. I'm at least going to try to go med free. Alright, I'm off to run errands and then teach Shakespeare up in Baltimore. I love you little one, please watch over your little sister.
              Love always,
             Fish

A Busy Weekend

Dear Minnow,
          It was so nice to have a busy weekend and end of the week for a change! I have been going a wee bit stir crazy lately so it is nice that things are finally starting to pick up. Wednesday I spent sometime with one of your father's friends from high school and her daughter which was a lot of fun. It was great to just hang out and talk and get the low down on what baby things actually work and what isn't worth spending money on. It's so hard to make decisions on baby stuff based on the parenting websites alone, especially when they all have such contrasting opinions on the same items! What happened to the good old days when all you needed was diapers, a crib and a few chew toys?  Anyways, Thursday I taught my first full Shakespeare class up at the charter school (the first two were just mini workshops). I had twelve enthusiastic high schoolers, it is going to be a fun class although none of them have ever read a Shakespeare play so that presents a little bit of a challenge lol. I love the charter school we are partnering with though, not only is the building absolutely gorgeous (it is completely art deco and very old), the whole energy of the staff and students is so welcoming and positive! Friday night your dad decided to take me out for dinner and a movie. We hadn't had a night out in months since we have been saving for your sister's arrival and of course towards buying a house. We went to one of your dad's favorite Mexican restaurants (side note, my belly has become so big that we had to check to see if it would fit between the table and the booth seat....it was awkward) and then to see the movie Anonymous. The movie was great but really made me miss listening to your Auntie Molly debate Shakespeare conspiracies after a few too many drinks at Theatre School parties back in college :-). Molls is a total Shakespeare buff so I can't wait to skype with her sometime soon and pick her brain on what she thought about the movie.Yesterday I went to a yoga class at the baby consignment store down the street, I absolutely love the store and they offer a bunch of free classes for parents each month. It's the same place your dad and I took the cloth diapering 101 class a while back, I think I might take their baby wearing 101 class this Saturday (the classes are just a great way to meet people and way less confusing than the online tutorials). Plus their FREE which is one of mommy's favorite words.  I will say that yoga with a baby in your belly is hard though. I used to take yoga classes two to three times a week back in Chicago on top of having to do sun salutations as warm ups in most of my movement and acting classes. Don't get me wrong, just because I like yoga does not in any way shape or form mean I'm any good at it. I have always been the one desperately trying not to wipe out the back row during balancing poses and the only thing I lack more than grace is flexibility, but I've always loved the way it makes my body feel and settles my mind for a while. I did yoga once a week or so while I was pregnant with you minnow but you were so little one that I never had much of a belly even towards the end. This time around I would pop in the prenatal dvd once in a blue moon but usually spent most of the time cursing the skinny little bitches who only seemed to gain weight in their perfectly round belly bumps and could not only still bring their heads to their toes but still hold every pose for what seemed like hours! Needless to say towards the end of the second trimester that dvd made friends with the trash can. Sunday's class was great though! It was a yoga for motherhood class so it was a class full of real women, taught by a real mom.:-). I had to laugh though, I'm pretty sure I was the only one in the third trimester there. Your sister is gonna be big, I certainly wouldn't call her a guppy anymore she feel more like a ten pound bass. Part way through the class she decided she was over the whole yoga thing and lodged her head into my rib cage so I couldn't even sit up straight without feeling her hit my ribs. She has settle back into her usual horizontal position now, laying right across my belly button. Alright I have rambled on for far too long little one. I'd better get a move on and finish my Halloween costume before I have to bring MK to her friends house to trick or treat. I love you Brennan and miss you everyday. Please keep watch over your little sister, just 7 more weeks, please keep her safe till then.
                                     Love always,
                                           Mommy

Mothers And Daughters

Dear Minnow,
             It's been a rough week baby girl, my mother, your meme spent most of the week in the ICU. I guess I haven't told you much about your meme. She was super mom when I was little, how she managed to balance working, raising three kids on a seriously tight budget and still be the "the cool mom" that all of my friends loved is beyond me. Every fall we would make homemade grape jelly from the wild grapes that grew in the woods behind our house, we had a weekly bon fire at the beach during the summer, she hosted our annual kids only new years eve party and every St. Patrick's day she would make green eggs and ham for us and all of our friends. Then when I was 13 she had surgery to replace a plate in her back  and had a seizure that caused a bleed in her spinal cord that left her paralyzed on one side and severely epileptic. She had a really bad seizure the other day and well, their not sure about what exactly happened next but they couldn't wake her the next morning so they took her to the ICU. It's been a few days now and she is finally out of the ICU and stable, she is having trouble hearing but her liver and kidney function are doing better. Sometimes it's really hard not to have my mother around. It's hard enough living 8 hours away but not even being able to call her or ask her for advice really sucks sometimes. I felt the same way when I lost you, I needed my mommy. All I wanted was her to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay because I knew she could at least imagine the pain I was feeling, the same pain she'd feel if she lost me or your Auntie but I couldn't burden my mother with what I was feeling, I had to put on a strong face for her and lie and say I was fine while I was breaking inside. I can't tell her how worried I am that I'll loose your little sister too, I can't tell her how almost loosing her this week shook my confidence as a mother I mean even if I can't rely on her for advice or help, I don't know how I would mother without my mother. Okay enough of me venting, sorry for being so emotional today little one. Here is something happier, your cousin Kara, well your dad's cousin Kara is a photography major and she offered to take some maternity photos for me, she is using some of them for a project she is doing on body image. They came out great! I miss you baby girl. Sorry again for the rant. I love you minnow.
                        Love always,
                        Fish

30 weeks with Guppy

Time On My Hands

Dear Minnow,

        Mommy has waay too much time on her hands these days. Your daddy keeps reminding me that my most important job right now is to grow your little sister, which certainly is my first priority, but you know me minnow I need an artistic outlet. This is the longest I have gone without directing or rehearsing for a production in almost 8 years! I know it's only been a whopping two, almost three months since my last directing project closed but I am honestly going stir crazy! I love the theatre I am currently working for but my new role has me concentrating more on creating and fostering community partnerships and running outreach programs which I truly enjoy but a part of me seriously misses directing. I have to be honest little one, I also miss teaching everyday. I miss the repetition of getting up each morning, watching the sun rise as I drive to school, shooting the breeze with Greg and Bob before getting the TV studio up and running for the kids. I miss my crazy, horribly behaved 8th graders and my 7th graders who were always so sweet and creative. I know if I had stayed at the middle school this year with that horrible principal who referred my to pregnancy with you as my "sickness" I would have spent the few months worrying that I would let my students down or get fired if I lost this baby too. I guess going crazy from boredom out weighs going crazy with worry, besides I really like it here in Maryland. So what exactly have I been doing with all of this pent up artistic energy you might ask? I've been pouring it all into making the cutest darn nursery I could imagine.

Glider was a good will find, the mirror is a hand me down I revamped, the quilt is from a consignment shop in RI and the lamp was only $19.99!

This bureau was sitting in your grandma's basement so Nic and I sanded and painted it, the bouncy chair and changing pad are from the consignment sale

The crib and the lamp are the only new things we bought new and the crib better be worth all of the hassle from babies r us lol

I turned the mobile I made into a sun catcher instead

You certainly have one thrifty mama :-). I'm thinking of making a mosaic of a starfish to hang above the changing table, I'm still not sure if it'll work but I'm going to head over to the craft store in the morning and check it out. I miss you little one. The nursery I had in my head for you was so completely different than this one. Yours was already painted drowsy lavender, it was this soft lilac color that looked blue if you put blue accessories near it and purple if you added yellows and whites. I picked out the color when we moved in to the old house before I was pregnant with you. Your cousin Tori was going to paint you a mural based on a picture I had found of a pirate ship in a beautiful sunset of warm colors with a mermaid beneath the waves. It's strange to say but I just knew you weren't a pink girly girl :-). You were my minnow, my little fighter. Had you lived I just know you would have been a tomboy like I was as a kid, out climbing trees and getting leaves caught in your pigtails. Maura Grace is different though, she feels different and even when I was trying to convince myself that she was a boy, her name had already come to me and for some reason loud and clear so did the color pink lol. You were a girl after your mother's heart, I have a funny feeling Maura will be daddy's little princess :-). I love you both more than words can say minnow. Please watch over your little sister and send her to us safe in December. Just 9 more weeks. I love you Brennan.
              Love,
               Fish

29 weeks with Guppy

And The Battle Rages On....

Dear Minnow,
          Have I mentioned how much I hate Babies R'Us? Earlier this week we got a call saying that your sister's crib had come in. I was scared, and anxious, and excited, and well scared to go pick it up but your daddy and I decided to go pick it up right away. Well, of course it was Babies R'Us and they can't possibly make anything easy (I'm rolling my eyes baby girl). We waited for half an hour and when they finally rolled out our crib the box was soaking wet, covered in dirt and ripped all down the side!! We could literally see the wood of the crib hanging out! The same not so nice sales woman offered to order us a new one and take an additional 20% off for all of the trouble, which sounded pretty great to your daddy and I so I told her that would be nice and went to sit in the car and let your daddy handle the paperwork. A few minutes later he came out with paper in his hand saying that the sales woman would not infact give us the 20% off until the crib actually came in.....seeing as though we had already fully paid for the crib we still have yet to receive this sounded a bit fishy. So I went back in to find out what was going on, needless to say she was not happy to see me. Your daddy decided to cower in the car rather than come in with me, he thought it would be funnier to post on facebook that I was being arrested at Babies R'Us lol don't worry I was not actually arrested in fact I didn't even raise my voice to the incompetent sales woman. Turns out she never intended to give us our 20% back and didn't have the authority to do so, it took her manager an hour to finally find a way to credit our debit card the 20% and to reorder the crib she had ordered wrong. He was very apologetic and yet our bank has yet to receive said 20% back!!! I am so ready to just get our crib and never set foot in that store again!! We got a call a little while ago saying the new crib is in......I will believe it when I see it.
        On another note, I am finding that the 3rd trimester comes with a whole new set of worries. Your little sister has become much more active in the past few days, which means mommy freaks out when the guppy decides to take a nap for a an hour or two. I am so grateful to be pregnant again little one, I truly truly am but I have to admit that I am also tired. My body is so tired. I have been pregnant for over a year now, my body carries the weight I gained with you in addition to all the weight I have gained with your sister growing inside of me, even in the two months between loosing you and getting pregnant with your sister and her twin my body was still not my own it was trying to heal. I am in awe of pregnancy, I know that if this was a normal 9 month pregnancy and not a 14 month pregnancy I would love being pregnant. I love watching my belly grow and feeling your little sister move, in all honesty I think the constant worry I feel is what is getting me down lately. It is just so hard for me to picture this ending with a healthy, living baby in my arms. I just need to trust in God, He has a plan. He got me through loosing you and each day I live without you, I know no matter what He will get me through the days ahead. I love you little one. Please keep your sister safe.
                         Love always,
                        Mommy

28 weeks with Guppy

Holy Guacamole!

Dear Minnow,
                Today is the first day of my Third Trimester with the guppy!!! I want to jump up and down and celebrate but at the same time I have to be honest....I'm still scared sh*t-less that I will loose her. I am going to try to ignore the fear ( for tonight at least) and celebrate by giving in to the first craving I have had in months, home made chili, corn bread and maybe frozen custard with jimmies for desert :-). I love you little one with all my heart.
              Love always,
                 Fish

Time Passes

Dear Minnow,

           I feel guilty today little one. Lately I have really been enjoying being pregnant. As sore and huge as I feel at times I am just so grateful for every moment of it and although I sometimes burst into tears because I have run out of tank tops that fit over my belly and mother nature refuses to let it get cold so I can wear the cute autumn and winter hand me downs from Ruth, Adrianne and Melanie, despite that I still think my big round belly is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I'm happy minnow, and then I realized, exactly one year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I found out I was pregnant with you Brennan. Today is my mother's birthday and last year I went to the free clinic first thing in the morning after taking a positive at home test and had them run a test, I wanted to be extra certain I was pregnant that day so I could call and tell my mom. She was so happy she cried. I just keep telling myself that you want your daddy and I to be happy. Just because we are happy doesn't mean we have left you behind in any way, we carry you with us always baby girl, you'll always be our first and we will always love you! :-)  In other news, I am happy to tell you that all that carb loading paid off! After three icky hours of sitting in a strange waiting room, hunched over the chairs, trying not to barf hot pink glucose punch, I grateful to say that I am gestational diabetes free!! :-). I know having gestational diabetes isn't the end of the world but mommy has quite the sweet tooth lol. Your daddy has been on a mission the past few weeks to get your little sister the perfect crib. It has been quite a battle with our local Babies R' Us! First they told us we could order it and it would be in in 4 weeks, we were going to wait to order it (the thought of ordering it kind of scared me), then we went in and they told us again we could order it and it would be in in 4 weeks but that they were having a buy back sale and if we brought in an old baby item we would get 25% off the crib so we went home and came back the next day with an old swing so we could order it with 25% off. That's when their story changed, they told us the crib had been back ordered since mid August and we couldn't even order the crib and had to use the 25% off coupon that day! I was furious!! Your daddy on the other hand kept his cool and talked to the manager, darn bit of good that did, he signed the coupon and will let us use it when they can order the crib and told us to keep calling. So we've been calling for at least two weeks and although we could order it through another babies r us or through the crib website we can only use the coupon at our local babies r us that for some reason can't even order the darn crib when every one else can! Daddy finally convinced the manager to put an order through for us last week but the manager says the crib might not be here until after your sister arrives in December!! If we ordered through the crib website it would be here in 4 weeks but we wouldn't get 25% off and would have to pay an addition $150 for shipping! I seriously hate Babies R' Us right now. I just have this over whelming urge to get the nursery all set up and I can't without that darn crib. Sorry to bore you baby girl. I love you with all of my heart minnow. Please watch over your little sister and keep her safe for us.
                        Love always,
                         Mommy

25 weeks with Guppy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

26 weeks with Guppy

 

All Carbed Out

Dear Minnow,
         Mommy is having one of those days when no matter how hard she tries she just can't stop worrying about your little sister. She hasn't been kicking as much as usual for the past two days. Her heart rate is 135 which is good and your Auntie Addie keeps telling me not to worry but you know me baby girl. It is just so impossible to let go of my fear, at least in this matter. I just can't go through loosing another child. My one hour glucose test came back a little high, which Resa said could just be because I was a few days shy of 24 weeks when we did the test, but just to be sure she has had me carb loading for the past three days and I have to take the three hour test in the morning. The carb heavy menu I have to follow has me stuffed to the brim and constantly nauseous so I am really hoping that Maura's lack of movement is due to how full my stomach is (I have gastroparesis so my stomach doesn't digest on it's own so everything just sits in there until I take medicine before bed). I literally have to eat 5 pieces of bread, 6 saltines or 4 cookies, 1 cup of rice or noodles, 2 cups of fruit juice, 2 cups of milk or soy milk in my case, cereal, and 1 cup of beans and that is on top of normal meals! That is a whole lot of food! In other news I am loving my new job with the theatre in Baltimore! I wrote a proposal for a partnership and to start satellite classes at a local charter school and the school accepted it and has hired us to run a drama program for them :-). We also have tons of kids signed up for our classes. I just love the rest of the staff there they are so professional and kind. It is a wonderful change to be respected and to feel appreciated! :-) I'm heading up to the theatre tonight to meet with the artistic director and to watch some of rehearsal. Lol your little sister just kicked me :-). I love you baby girl with all of my heart! I promise I will write more later on and tell you all about the consignment sale your daddy and I went to over the weekend. We miss you every second of everyday little one. Please keep Maura Grace safe.
                    Love always,
                     Mommy

Still Catching Up

Dear Minnow,
          Hi baby girl. Here goes another attempt to catch you up on the happenings of the past few weeks. Remember  I told you how hurricane Irene had uprooted the huge tree in our new backyard? Well the tree had just been leaning with half the roots exposed but on Friday night I was home alone sitting on the couch (your daddy hadn't gotten home from his business trip yet) when I heard a crash and the house shook. Once again the insulation in this house must be darn near sound proof because the crash wasn't very loud, certainly not loud enough to be the entire tree falling and yet it was! I assumed Wrigley had knocked something down upstairs and went upstairs to find him but after not finding anything out of place upstairs I turned on the porch light to find the giant tree laying across the backyard! The tree was taken apart on Sunday, just in time for more torrential rain. Needless to say the backyard is now a mud pit lol. Your daddy made a registry for the guppy over the weekend, I have been meaning to do it for weeks but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time we pick up something for your little sister I get so scared that it will end up just sitting in that room unused like the few items I had bought for you. I just keep telling myself that someday there will be a baby in that room even if it means we foster or adopt. I have to go back to Virginia Friday for a three hour glucose test, fun fun, I kind of assumed something was off with the one hour test when my hands started shaking violently and I felt like I was going to pass out about half and hour after the test. I'm really hoping I don't have gestational diabetes, no chocolate for the next three months would stink lol. Your little sister is quite the little mover lol she has been keeping me up all night the past few nights kicking away. Looks like I'll have a night owl on my hands :-). Between her kicking, having to pee every few hours and my big belly, I haven't been sleeping well at all! Daddy finally gave in and ordered me a snoogle pregnancy pillow, your aunt MK says I'd get more sleep if my snoogle and I slept in the bathtub so I don't have to walk as far to pee lol. I've been thinking about you a lot lately little one. I miss you baby girl.
               Love always,
             Mommy      

          ps. 24 weeks with  little sister guppy

                                             

Tomorrow

Dear Minnow,
         I am happy to say that your daddy and I are now all unpacked and settled in to our new home in Maryland. We spent labor day weekend working our butts off putting everything away and cleaning while your grandma and your auntie MK were up at the lodge. Living with your grandma and little aunt (12 years old) is going to be a bit of  a challenge but your grandma is doing her student teaching this year and can really use the extra help. I have to admit it was so nice to not be alone while your daddy was in Saint Louis on business last week. His new job has him traveling at least two days a week, usually over night, thankfully it is just one year, then he will have the outside rep experience he needs to move up and hopefully we will be able to buy a house with the money we have saved from renting a house with your grandma this year :-). We have both decided that we love our new neighborhood and there are so many family friendly activities nearby! My new mission is to make some mommy friends, the only other young moms I know are my friends from the support group in VA and they are amazing! But one can never have too many friends :-). Tomorrow I have my 24 week check up and glucose test with Resa our midwife. I love that she remembers your name baby girl, she doesn't say your first baby, or your last pregnancy, she says when you had Brennan. We really did luck out finding her. I told her that I will cross my legs and keep your little sister inside if another doctor is on duty when I go into labor, I want her hands to be the first my babies feel when they come into this world. I am trying to gain confidence in this pregnancy minnow, I really am trying. Being pregnant again after loosing a baby is like having just gotten out of a really bad relationship, I have to learn to trust again. Your auntie Addie, the doula, said that I have to find a way to trust myself, Maura and God again. She said that it has to happen before I will be ready to give birth, you need confidence to give birth. By the time I went into labor with you Brennan all of my confidence was gone, I knew you were gone, I guess that is why I let them put me under, I just wasn't strong enough. I miss you so much my little minnow. I am trying to be strong and trying not to feel guilty about enjoying this pregnancy. I know you want your daddy and I to be happy. I sat for almost two hours the other night and watched the guppy kicking my belly. I can see when she kicks me now :-) It is the most amazing thing. I am in awe of it. I love you baby girl, I love you and your sister so much.
                     Love,
                        Fish

ps. See how big mommy's belly was a couple of weeks ago? (22 weeks) I'll post a current pic soon

Irene

Dear Minnow,
      What a week it has been. I should really start by telling you about the events of the week before last, there was an earthquake! It was just a few days before our big move to Maryland so thankfully your Daddy was home packing with me. I was sitting on the couch checking my email when I started to hear and feel rumbling. It started pretty softly, I thought it was your Dad moving furniture around upstairs so I wasn't worried but then the whole townhouse began to shake violently. Your Dad ran down the stairs and pulled me into the door way (apparently that is what you are supposed to do during an earthquake). He started laughing and said we're having an earthquake, I was so scared I through my arms around him and told him in not so nice words that he was crazy, Virginia doesn't get earthquakes. After a few minutes it stopped and we joined the neighbors outside in what the hell just happened discussions. And of course to top it all off, Wrigley had freaked out and ended up missing for hours before Daddy found him stuck behind the basement stairs in the crawl space and got him out. This past weekend just after our big move we were hit with hurricane Irene. Your Daddy and Grandma didn't want to listen to me about how to prepare for the storm. I happen to be an old pro at hurricanes, I did grow up in Rhode Island after all and have been through some big ones especially Bob. They insisted that we wouldn't get hit and for a while I thought she was right. We didn't bother to fill the bathtub with water or to get the flashlights out, I did convince them to bring in the lawn furniture though lol. When the storm hit we couldn't hear the wind at all from inside our new big house so we thought we weren't getting the storm. Then the power went out, thank goodness someone had stunk up the bathroom so I had lit two glad candles in the family room lol. We used them to find flashlights and more candles then went to bed. When we woke up we still didn't have power and realized that the big tree in our new backyard had completely been up rooted and lots of trees and branches were down in the neighborhood! We all slept through it baby girl! I had been up my usual 5 times that night to pee (your little sister likes to kick me through the night, especially my bladder) and hadn't heard the wind at all through the walls or windows! I was so thankful that we were all safe and just without power for a day and a half. I guess they will listen to me next time about how to prepare for a storm lol. I miss you little one. I am so thankful for every kick I feel from your little sister, please watch over the guppy. I love you my minnow.
                Love always,
                  Fish