Snow Flakes

Dear Minnow,
          School has been canceled since Wednesday and yet the snow did not actually begin to fall until late yesterday afternoon. Being home alone has been rough, just too much time to sit and miss you baby girl. A friend of mine from the theatre company I used to act with sent me this quote from Joseph Kennedy about loosing a baby: "It seems as though your whole world is destroyed. But time passes and one day, you find that somehow you have become a part of the world again." When I am outside of the house or around people I feel like part of the world again. At first I felt guilty for that, like laughing again meant I was somehow leaving you behind. But I always feel you Brennan, you are always here with me that will never change. I stood by the window last night and watched the snow fall and knew you were up in heaven seeing it too. It helps to think you are looking down at us. Last night and our friends and family started posting this as their statuses on facebook:

This week we remember all babies born sleeping, or whom we have carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your profile status, if someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all lost angels ♥

By this afternoon every member of our family and so many of mommy and daddy's friends have set that to their status along with messages to you and words of love and strength for us. I am so touched by their out pouring of love and support.You will always be remembered baby girl and loved. Slowly I am beginning to remember that there is still hope in the world. I know you are sending me that hope little one. Thank you. Mommy and daddy love you so much minnow.
        Love,
   Fish

One week without you

Dear Minnow,
          I have decided I am going to keep writing you baby girl. I know God will read these letters to you in heaven. I am surprised by how fast the last week has gone by. The sadness comes in waves but there is a sense of peace that is constant. I know you are in a better place my little minnow. Your daddy stayed home with me last week, we watched "Lost" and cuddled and cried a lot. He has been so amazing through all of this. Friday mommy's friend Stacy took me to the high school to see the performance of Romeo and Juliet I directed while you were in my belly. The kids did a great job and one of Juliet's lines really spoke to me, "Love give me strength, for strength will afford." It means, love give me strength for strength will get me through. It reminds me of you Brennan, I know my love for you will get me through. Did I tell you we adopted a kitten last week? Your daddy thought it help for me to have something to take care of to help me heal, an outlet for all of the extra love I have. His name is Wrigley and part of me thinks you chose him for me. He loves to be held and always seems to know when I am crying and comes to lick my tears away. I love you my little minnow with all my heart and I miss you so much.
                Love always,
               Fish

* to readers

On Tuesday the doctor said the uterus and cervix had dropped preparing to miscarry. The backaches and cramping that had been happening on and off were actually contractions. Wednesday they gave me medication to start dilating the cervix, but my body went into back labor and heavy contractions. I was in labor without medication from 1pm to 3 pm when they finally put me to sleep. Before they put me to sleep the nurses and doctor held me and let me cry, they were wonderful and assured me that there was no way I could save Brennan. I didn't feel anything and the doctor told us afterward that Brennan was already gone. If they hadn't done the procedure I would have gone into early labor and miscarried within the next two days which they said would have been very dangerous for my body. God answered my prayer in his own time and took her with his own hands, not the doctor's. And for that I am eternally grateful. I love her with all my heart and I know she is finally at peace in a far better place. I pray that God will hold her close. I know my little minnow will always be a part of me. I am still a mother no matter what anyone says. I am the mother of a wonderful daughter who was too beautiful for this world.

Tears of God

Dear Minnow,
          Your daddy and I chose the name Brennan Esther for you. Esther was a lady from my Church back home who I loved very very much, she died the week before I met your father and I always thought she must have sent him to me since she could no longer take care of me herself, now I pray she will take care of you. I should have checked the meaning of the name Brennan before we chose it, although now the meaning seems all too fitting. Brennan means "Tears of God" or "Sorrow". I cannot put into words the amount of sorrow I feel. I can't imagine why this would be part of God's plan for us but I have no doubt that even he is crying for you baby girl. He finally heard my cry for help, he gave me the information I needed and the strength I need to be merciful. The level II ultrasound showed that your body is very broken little one, it is just not strong enough to hold such your beautiful spirit. Your not going to make it outside of mommy's belly minnow, the doctors don't even think your little heart will beat  very much longer inside mommy's belly. Your daddy and I love you too much to let you suffer anymore minnow. Wednesday you are going to go from mommy's belly back to God's hands. Please don't be scared my little minnow, I know it will be a big change but nothing can hurt you there and you'll have a new, perfect body to live in. You will always be with me Brennan, I will carry you in my heart everyday until I can hold you in my arms. Mommy is so scared to say goodbye to you, but I know you will be in a better place. I know this is what mercy means. Please don't worry about your mama minnow, I will do my best to be strong for you. I love you with all my heart and so does daddy. Remember that you were wanted baby girl and  you were loved and prayed for more than any baby in the world.You will always be our daughter and always be in our thoughts. I will always be your mommy. I love you my little minnow. I will love you forever and always.
                  Love,
                  Mommy

Where is God?

Dear Minnow,
      My dear little minnow. God chose not to hear our prayers. The genetic counselor called Thursday night and told us that you have an unbalanced translocation and that there is a large piece of genes from your 17th chromosome. The doctors said that there are no documented cases of this. They also said that there is no way you will have normal intelligent. They are sending us for a level II ultrasound on Tuesday to see if you have any physical features that would tell us what your life would be like. They said you could have skeletal dysplasia which would mean you wouldn't make it past a day or two outside of mommy's belly. Minnow, please show me what I should do. Please show me what would be best for you. I prayed so hard for a miracle, so many people prayed for a miracle and God ignored our prayers. God abandoned me minnow. I am your mother and I love you so much minnow, but part of being your mother is saving you from suffering. I don't know what to do minnow. I prayed that God would make this decision for me, but that prayer fell on deaf ears. I love you with all my heart minnow and I would do anything to hold you in my arms but I don't want my selfishness to be the cause of suffering for you. I have one last cry to God, I pray that he will make this choice so I do not have to, but I doubt he will hear me. I love you so much minnow.
                Love always,
              Mommy

Underwear

Dear Minnow,
     Is it wrong that I had a good week? With all that is still so up in the air and unknown, am I even allowed to have good weeks? We went back to school this week minnow and although you have been waking mommy up to pee multiple times a night (and right before the alarm goes off at 6 every morning) it was a good to be back in the classroom. My mentor Greg came in the other morning and asked if he could pray for you with me. I was so touched by the gesture. He is such an amazing friend and mentor. I think you might have had a growth spurt this week little one. Mommy has officially become too fat to comfortably fit in her pre-pregnancy panties, I guess my ass finally caught up to my boobs which out grew all of my bras back in the beginning of the first trimester (I went from a very small B cup to a D!!). So today I finally gave in and bough my first package of "Mom" undies. Granted I just could not go full granny pantie, who wants to go from Victoria's Secret lace panties to high waisted floral monstrosities.So I compromised and bought brightly colored cotton boy short undies (in a big size so they will be comfy).  Oh, Romeo and Juliet rehearsals at the high school were wonderful this week, I am so impressed by my cast :-). I want you to be able to read Romeo and Juliet when you get bigger minnow. There is so much I want you to see and be able to do little one and I am so scared that if you are missing information on your chromosomes you will never be able to do them. Please God, please don't let her be missing information. I love you so much my little minnow. I read that your ears have started to work this week and that you can hear me :-). I hope you like my singing baby girl, I have been singing to you all week. Take care my little one. Mommy and daddy love you so much!
    Love always,
     Fish

Rhode Island

Dear Minnow,
      Happy New Year little one and welcome to 2011. I am praying that 2011 will be filled with good news for us minnow. We rang in the new year surrounded by family and friends in the smallest state in all the union, mommy's home state of Rhode Island. Daddy and I left on Thursday morning and drove all the way up the East Coast to Newport. The first night we met my friends from the Newport Repertory Theatre (the theatre company mommy acted with in high school) downtown. It was so much fun to catch up with everyone and reminisce about old times. They really shaped me as an actor and director. Friday we spent time with your Mimi (my mother decided that is what she would like you to call her :). She rubbed my belly and talked to you for a while and we cuddled up next to her and looked through old photo albums with your dad, who thought it would be funny to post embarrassing pictures of your auntie Kai, uncle Zak and I on facebook! Needless to say that did not go over well.On Saturday we had our own mini Christmas with Kai, Ian, Zak, Mimi and Meme which was nice and then had dinner with your auntie Spedna and her family. Sunday was really wonderful, we went to the Church mommy grew up in and got to see all of the people who have been praying for you. I told Sonny Carter (Esther's husband) that we are naming you Brennan Esther for Esther Carter, he was so touched and cried tears of joy. We sat and talked about how much we miss Esther for a bit before the service began. It was Communion Sunday and after Communion it is my Church's tradition for everyone to hold hands in the aisle and sing the hymn "Bless be the tied that binds". That was my favorite part of service growing up, looking around the circle and just feeling so loved. Today we are back in Virginia my little minnow. The lab just called and said that they once again have no idea when your test results will come back. I have to admit that upon hearing that I broke down and have been crying and sleeping off and on for the past few hours. I am so tired little one. I am trying to be strong but mommy is so scared that you won't be okay and that we will get more bad news when the test results come in. Today you have been inside me for 18 weeks and 3 days. Is it selfish of me that I do not want to let you go even if your chromosomes are missing information? I keep praying that God will make this decision for me, one way or the other. I pray so deeply though that he will decide to make you my little miracle baby again and make it so that you are not missing any information on your chromosomes. I love you minnow and so does daddy and all of your Rhode Island family. No matter what you have been such a wonderful gift. Everyone is praying for you so hard. Please God send us another miracle.
         love always,
         Fish