Dear Minnow,
Today was a hard day little one. I went to the doctors for a check up and ended up having a really horrible anxiety attack or whatever you call it when your ptsd kicks in full force. I kept seeing myself there in that office scheduling appointments for you. I lost it minnow. The poor receptionist must think I am crazy. It took all of my strength not to run out. Thank God for our wonderful midwife Resa, as soon as she saw me she just knew and hugged me and talked me down. I am so grateful to have her in my life and as my doctor. I really wish she could have been the one to deliver you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you baby girl. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Checking in
Dear Minnow,
Hi little one, guess what, it's spring break!! It could not have come at a better time! This past week I have been insanely busy, well actually this month has been insanely busy! Directing three plays that all open in the same month was not the brightest idea but it certainly has kept me busy and happy. I feel so much better when I am in the theatre directing. It helps to know that although I did not get the chance to teach you or make an impact on your life that maybe I am making a difference in these kids lives. I love you baby girl! I promise I will post sometime tomorrow, I have a few pictures from the cherry blossom festival I will post. I love you with all my heart my little minnow!
Love always,
Mommy
Hi little one, guess what, it's spring break!! It could not have come at a better time! This past week I have been insanely busy, well actually this month has been insanely busy! Directing three plays that all open in the same month was not the brightest idea but it certainly has kept me busy and happy. I feel so much better when I am in the theatre directing. It helps to know that although I did not get the chance to teach you or make an impact on your life that maybe I am making a difference in these kids lives. I love you baby girl! I promise I will post sometime tomorrow, I have a few pictures from the cherry blossom festival I will post. I love you with all my heart my little minnow!
Love always,
Mommy
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Of Course...
Dear Minnow,
A song about heaven came on the radio and the flood gates opened again. Fucking country music station. My whole body longs to hold you little one. It is a pain so deep only other mothers of angels know. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
A song about heaven came on the radio and the flood gates opened again. Fucking country music station. My whole body longs to hold you little one. It is a pain so deep only other mothers of angels know. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Healing Moments
Dear Minnow,
I know it has been a while since my last post but I promise you I have written a thousand in my head during the last week. Life has been busy but it has also been good. Remember how I told you about my new student helper who shares your name? I was so scared at first, how could I ever bond with a Brennan that wasn't MY Brennan, one that wasn't you little one? I have always thought of my students as my kids and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with this one because of everything that name means to me. I thought just hearing your name everyday minnow would make me even more sad about loosing you, but something I never expected happened. It ended up being such a healing experience. God knew I needed a Brennan in my life, and since I couldn't have you here with me little one he sent me another. He is everything I dreamed you'd be and honestly, teaching him and sharing my love of theatre with him makes me feel like I am teaching you. I can't help but laugh at how bizarre and mysterious God's ways are, but I finally feel the healing and comfort that I have been waiting for these long months since my world turned upside down. I never thought I would find healing here. Your daddy and I are trying for another baby minnow. I had a dream last night that you had a sister. She was chubby and had one tooth, you were there too little one but you were older and almost floating behind her smiling as she cooed and giggled. I feel ready to start another pregnancy journey. I pray we do not have to wait long to begin. I love you my little minnow and I miss you everyday. Good things are happening baby girl, I feel like life is returning to me.
Love always and forever,
Fish
I know it has been a while since my last post but I promise you I have written a thousand in my head during the last week. Life has been busy but it has also been good. Remember how I told you about my new student helper who shares your name? I was so scared at first, how could I ever bond with a Brennan that wasn't MY Brennan, one that wasn't you little one? I have always thought of my students as my kids and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with this one because of everything that name means to me. I thought just hearing your name everyday minnow would make me even more sad about loosing you, but something I never expected happened. It ended up being such a healing experience. God knew I needed a Brennan in my life, and since I couldn't have you here with me little one he sent me another. He is everything I dreamed you'd be and honestly, teaching him and sharing my love of theatre with him makes me feel like I am teaching you. I can't help but laugh at how bizarre and mysterious God's ways are, but I finally feel the healing and comfort that I have been waiting for these long months since my world turned upside down. I never thought I would find healing here. Your daddy and I are trying for another baby minnow. I had a dream last night that you had a sister. She was chubby and had one tooth, you were there too little one but you were older and almost floating behind her smiling as she cooed and giggled. I feel ready to start another pregnancy journey. I pray we do not have to wait long to begin. I love you my little minnow and I miss you everyday. Good things are happening baby girl, I feel like life is returning to me.
Love always and forever,
Fish
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Busy Bee
Dear Minnow,
Things have been so busy lately! My first play here at the school opens this weekend and we are nowhere near ready to go on. I know the kids and I will pull it together in the end but until then I will be rushing around trying to get things done. I also agreed to direct the spring show at the high school which brings which means I am now directing three shows that all open in the month of April! I know baby girl, your mama is crazy but I really am enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time I feel completely artistically fufilled. I am now spending about 13 hours a day either in rehearsals or teaching theatre in my classroom, it is wonderful! I have been thinking a lot about spring break this year and I know it is a bad idea for me to be home alone the entire week with nothing to do. I am going to see about taking a mini road trip, maybe up to RI to see your Auntie Kai and Mimi or maybe up to the lodge in MD. I also need to recruit walkers for the March of Dimes, so far it is just your Daddy, Auntie MK and I. I miss you my little minnow, I know you are with me always but my arms still long to hold you, they always will.
Love Always,
Fish
Things have been so busy lately! My first play here at the school opens this weekend and we are nowhere near ready to go on. I know the kids and I will pull it together in the end but until then I will be rushing around trying to get things done. I also agreed to direct the spring show at the high school which brings which means I am now directing three shows that all open in the month of April! I know baby girl, your mama is crazy but I really am enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time I feel completely artistically fufilled. I am now spending about 13 hours a day either in rehearsals or teaching theatre in my classroom, it is wonderful! I have been thinking a lot about spring break this year and I know it is a bad idea for me to be home alone the entire week with nothing to do. I am going to see about taking a mini road trip, maybe up to RI to see your Auntie Kai and Mimi or maybe up to the lodge in MD. I also need to recruit walkers for the March of Dimes, so far it is just your Daddy, Auntie MK and I. I miss you my little minnow, I know you are with me always but my arms still long to hold you, they always will.
Love Always,
Fish
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Minnow's Mermaids
Dear Minnow,
Mommy misses you so much lately. I keep thinking about how I used to rub my belly and sing to you. I decided that I need to do something in your memory, something that will make a difference so I started a team to do The March of Dimes Walk for Babies. Our team is called Minnow's Mermaids for you baby girl :-). I've gotta run for now hunny, I'm gonna catch a yoga class before my next rehearsal. I love you always little one.
Love,
Fish
Mommy misses you so much lately. I keep thinking about how I used to rub my belly and sing to you. I decided that I need to do something in your memory, something that will make a difference so I started a team to do The March of Dimes Walk for Babies. Our team is called Minnow's Mermaids for you baby girl :-). I've gotta run for now hunny, I'm gonna catch a yoga class before my next rehearsal. I love you always little one.
Love,
Fish
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