Summer Lovin

Dear Minnow,

18 weeks with guppy

Hi baby girl. I know it has been a while since I last wrote, it has been a very busy summer! I am having a fun but tiring time running drama camp again this summer. Yesterday was Mad Scientist Day! We ran all sorts of crazy experiments for the kids. Gotta love getting paid to make mentos and diet coke explode lol. Mommy's belly is growing and growing minnow! I know that should make me let go of some of the fear but it's so hard when you've had your world taken away from you once before. I promised myself I would do all of the fun pregnant things normal women do that I never got to do with you so this week I have begun to register for baby things and have started to plan the nursery. Doing all of these things make me miss you though. I miss you terribly little one. I am truly trying to relax and have hope that your little sister will be born happy and healthy in December but December seems so far away. I am 18 weeks pregnant and that was when I started having contractions with you. They started out as back pain and then at 19 weeks at your level II ultrasound we found out you weren't going to make it. All the memories have come flooding back minnow. Everyone keeps telling me to keep in mind that this pregnancy is different but I still get so scared over every little ache and pain. I know going in for a sanity check with Resa would calm me but with camp it is impossible to get there before they close. Maybe I will luck out and everyone will be picked up on time today. I love you my little minnow with all my heart. I have started to feel your little sister fluttering around in my belly. It seems so surreal. Please keep an eye on your little sister. I love you always baby girl.
               love,
         Mommy

Dreaming?

Dear Minnow,
      Mommy's belly has gotten so big little one! When I was pregnant with you I barely showed even right before you were born at 21 weeks. This time around I have been showing for weeks! Look how big my belly is at 16 weeks with guppy.

When I was pregnant with you I was convinced that you were a boy. I even bought you a whole nursery set that I found for super cheap on craigs list that was blue with lighthouses and sailboats because I knew you were going to be a boy. I was so surprised at 12 weeks when the nurse told us that she was pretty certain you were a girl and then again at 13 weeks when the CVS results confirmed that you were a girl not a boy. I remember being so happy that I was going to have a daughter but in the same instance I knew that I was more than likely going to loose my daughter. There is such a special bond between mother's and daughters minnow. It is beautiful but it also ripped me apart at the seams to loose you after forming that bond. Your daddy and I were equally convinced that guppy is a boy. I went on etsy and saved pictures of all of the cute boy nursery decorations and bought a cute little pirate onesie. We were both stunned to find out at guppy's 16 week scan last week that he is actually a she. You have a little sister Brennan and mommy prays that she will stay healthy and join your daddy and I in December. I will be honest minnow, I am having a hard time connecting to your little sister. I thought that having a boy this time around would be easier for me. It would distance this pregnancy from my pregnancy with you. I keep slipping and calling my belly Brennan not the name we have chosen for her which is Maura Grace. I feel guilty when I am happy little one, like I am betraying you and I am still so scared that this daughter too will leave me. I wish you could be here when she is born Brennan. My daughters Brennan Esther and Maura Grace. I love you both so much. Please look after your little sister minnow. Please ask God to keep her safe and healthy and let her live on earth with your daddy and I. I love you minnow with all my heart.
               Love always,
              Mommy

Long weekends

Dear Minnow,
      I just love long weekends. Your daddy and I met the family up at the lodge where we were married to celebrate the fourth of July. It was such a beautiful weekend minus the torrential storm that ended up keeping me there an extra night (I drove back Monday at 4 a.m to get to work on time!). It was just hot enough to enjoy a swim in the lake and your daddy was nice enough to take me into town to walk through the old antique stores one afternoon! Sunday night we had your dad's birthday dinner. It is a tradition in his family for the person closest to the birthday boy or girl to stand up and give a toast in their honor. I have been the one to give your dad's toast since we got married and every year I write him a silly poem teasing him about this or that. This year was harder though little one. I spoke from my heart this year. Your dad has been my rock this year. After I lost you I fell apart and that man took the time to glue each piece back in place. That is love. I'm so lucky to have him in my life minnow. Please do mommy a favor and keep watch over your little brother or sister. I have my 16 week scan on Monday so mommy's nerves are fried. I am just so worried of loosing this baby too. If it is a girl I think we are going to name her Maura Grace, when I was pregnant with you I used to dream of my future family and I would say in my head "and these are my daughters Brennan and Maura." It just seems like the name of your sister my minnow. Know that mommy thinks of you all the time baby girl, not one day goes by when I don't miss you or mention you. You are my daughter Brennan and I love you so much, always.
         Love,
Fish

Worries

Dear Minnow,
      Mommy has been soo tired lately! School ended with quite a bang and just as quickly drama camp began. This is the first week I haven't been able to take a quick nap after lunch and it is already catching up to me. I have been so worried this week little one. I thought it was hard when friends had their babies while I was loosing you, I never imagined it would be just as difficult when a friend went through a loss while I am pregnant. I feel like my hope has been shaken. I wanted to believe that God wouldn't let any of us go through that again. I pray that God will keep my guppy safe, your little brother or sister. I am so scared little one. I am so tired, I promise I will write more soon. I love you my minnow with all my heart and I miss you everyday.
              Love always,
                Fish

Missing

Dear Minnow,
      I have been thinking about you so much lately baby girl. I find myself hoping that this new baby will be a boy. I think it will be harder if the guppy is a girl, I know I will keep wondering if you would have looked like her or acted like her. Sometimes it feels like the day I lost you, the pain of missing you will hit me without warning and it is like loosing you all over again. Other times it feels like January was years ago and that life has settled into a different kind of peace, the peace of knowing you are in a better place. And yet, there is always the dull ache in my arms and heart from constantly missing you. School is coming to and end baby girl and the kids are beyond restless! The school has been a mad house for the last week with the 8th graders getting ready to graduate. I was happy to finish up grading the kids projects today but packing up my classroom has been bittersweet. It has been a crazy year but I had such a wonderful time teaching my little drama babies. I had my final review today from my administrator and got wonderful marks and feedback on everything! It was so nice to finally be recognized for all of the work I have put into creating the program from scratch. I love you baby girl with all my heart. Please watch over your little brother or sister. I find myself in a constant state of worry over this little one. I love you my minnow.
           Love,
         Fish

After Every Storm....

Dear Minnow,
            I am so sorry for not writting lately. As usual things have been very busy and there are so many changes on the horizon for our little family. I can finally say it on here, although your daddy does not want to do the whole facebook annoucement until July but your going to be a big sister Brennan! I am 12 weeks along with a little rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with you baby girl. I thought I had bad morning sickness with you minnow but this little one seems to be reeking havoc on my belly! I guess it is in part because this little one started out as two little ones. I started bleeding at 5 or 6 weeks but the doctors couldn't figure out why since the baby appeared to be doing fine. Then at 8 weeks Resa my wonderful midwife was able to see an empty sac hidden behind the baby. The doctors keep telling me that 80% of twins "vanish" or don't develope in early pregnancy but I still feel bad that another sibling has joined you in heaven even if I didn't know it was there. We had our end of the first trimester scan last night with Dr. Stern, mommy was so nervous and as I laid there all the memories of your first trimester scan came floading back, how you barely moved and how your poor little jaw was practically not there. That scan was the begining of the end. I cried so hard and could hardly breath as Dr. Stern prepped my belly, but thank the Lord, what we saw on the screen was your little sibling rolling around, kicking his or her feet. And of course Dr. Stern paid extra close attention to the chin, and there it was, a perfectly normal sized chin! I wish you could be here baby girl. I wish you were here with us and able to grow up here with your little brother or sister. Please watch over your sibling my minnow. We have been calling this baby guppy.
      I miss you Brennan, and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise there is plenty of room in there for both or I guess all three of my little ones. Oh I finished your blanket! Your auntie Gina is just adding the edging she even embroidered your name and birthday on it :-). I haven't decided if I am going to start one for the guppy. I have to be honest, it has been hard for me to connect with this baby. It just seems too good to be true, I keep expecting this baby to be taken away from me the way you were taken away. I love your my minnow. I will always, always love you!!
              Love always,
          Mommy

Due Date

Dear Minnow,
       Today I am supposed to hold you in my arms. Today I am supposed to see what color your hair is and if you have your daddy's eyes. Today I am supposed to meet you, but God had a different plan. Today it has been four months, two weeks and one day since we said goodbye. I know it wasn't God's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, your poor body was just broken from the start. I know you are in a better place now my little one. Loosing you has taught me so much. It taught me to love deeper. It showed me who disappears when things get ugly and who jumps on the first plane to keep me company while I am on bed rest or lies to the nurses just so they can hold my hand during the hardest moments of my life. It brought your daddy and I closer together minnow. Tragedy can either tear a couple apart or it can melt them together like the burn of saudering iron. Loosing you tried my faith in God. I was lost for a while but God never left my side, I see that now. I never thought I would survive loosing you Brennan. There are still times in my darkest hours when hope is hard to find but I know you want me to keep going. Send me hope baby girl. So today is really just another day without you, I am living without my daughter. I will never be the same, a part of me will always be missing but minnow, I would not have given up one moment I spent with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my daughter, my first born, my minnow and no one will ever replace you.
                            Love always,
                             Your Mommy