Dear Minnow,
Hi my little one. It has been months and months since I last wrote you, I'm sorry for that. Life has a way of sweeping us off our feet and getting us lost in the tide. There are a lot of changes happening at the moment. At the end of the month your little sister is having surgery to correct her lazy eye. It's a very quick procedure but of course I cannot help but worry. The very next day I start my new job as the drama teach at a school for kids with learning differences. I am excited for the new challenge and to be back in the classroom but also sad that I will no longer be spending 24/7 with the guppy. I have honestly loved being home with her, I am so thankful to have witnessed every single milestone from rolling over to her first steps and words, not a lot of mother's get that these days. She has turned into an amazing little girl. She is cuddly and compassionate and will do anything to make people laugh. She definitely has my imagination and is always making up songs and stories. I am so blessed to have her. I think of you every day my minnow, you are always by my side. So many many changes my love. It's scary to have everything so up in the air but if you've taught me anything it's that God's plan is much larger than we can see. Mama loves you Brennan with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
Guppy Turns 2
Dear minnow,
Oh how this year has flown by. Your always in my thoughts little one and everyday I wish you could be here with us. Your little sister turns two tomorrow! She is such a sweet little cuddle monster with a huge personality! She is talking up a storm now and loves to sing and dance around the house. She loves to be the center of attention and gives kisses and hugs to everyone. I am truly so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few pictures of her. I miss you so much my Brennan, mama love you always and forever.
Love,
Fish
Oh how this year has flown by. Your always in my thoughts little one and everyday I wish you could be here with us. Your little sister turns two tomorrow! She is such a sweet little cuddle monster with a huge personality! She is talking up a storm now and loves to sing and dance around the house. She loves to be the center of attention and gives kisses and hugs to everyone. I am truly so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few pictures of her. I miss you so much my Brennan, mama love you always and forever.
Love,
Fish
Friday, October 19, 2012
Sleepless Nights
Dear Minnow,
Hi my little one. I know it has been so long since I last wrote but I promise you are always on my mind especially lately. October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, I light a candle for you and sat in the living room with your little sister in my lap and watched it flicker and glow. The poor guppy has been sick all week it's just a cold but I still can't help but worry. She has been up most of the night each night this week, it's currently 4:26 a.m and after sneezing and coughing herself awake and a temperature check we are down in the living room. Little miss guppy has a hard time getting back to sleep if she fully wakes up in the middle of the night and between the thermometer and a very worried Wrigley sneaking into the nursery to lick her face it is safe to say the guppy is wide awake. I have found there is only one way to get her back to sleep in cases like this, let her play or watch Sesame Street until she starts to rub her eyes then redo her bedtime ritual (diaper change, nurse, rocking and snuggling). If anyone else kept me up until 4 in the morning I would be furious, yet here I sit in awe of my little rainbow standing in front of me "talking" to Elmo. I never knew I could feel so much love. She is walking, can you believe it? Where has the time gone my minnow? Life is good little one, I am truly blessed. I love you my sweet Brennan.
Love always,
Fish
Hi my little one. I know it has been so long since I last wrote but I promise you are always on my mind especially lately. October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, I light a candle for you and sat in the living room with your little sister in my lap and watched it flicker and glow. The poor guppy has been sick all week it's just a cold but I still can't help but worry. She has been up most of the night each night this week, it's currently 4:26 a.m and after sneezing and coughing herself awake and a temperature check we are down in the living room. Little miss guppy has a hard time getting back to sleep if she fully wakes up in the middle of the night and between the thermometer and a very worried Wrigley sneaking into the nursery to lick her face it is safe to say the guppy is wide awake. I have found there is only one way to get her back to sleep in cases like this, let her play or watch Sesame Street until she starts to rub her eyes then redo her bedtime ritual (diaper change, nurse, rocking and snuggling). If anyone else kept me up until 4 in the morning I would be furious, yet here I sit in awe of my little rainbow standing in front of me "talking" to Elmo. I never knew I could feel so much love. She is walking, can you believe it? Where has the time gone my minnow? Life is good little one, I am truly blessed. I love you my sweet Brennan.
Love always,
Fish
Sunday, July 22, 2012
7 months already?
Dear Minnow,
I know it has been a long time since mama wrote to you. I'm sorry little one, time gets away from me these days, I can't believe how fast it flies by. It has been a year and a half since you left us and just over half a year since your little sister joined us. She is so big already! Yesterday she crawled for the first time, she has been trying so hard the past few weeks and finally managed to get it right. Today she seems to have decided that she can get around faster doing this part twirl part moving downward facing dog thing lol. She is such a sweet girl Brennan. Everyday I look at her and am just bursting with thankfulness and happiness, even on the rough days when she refuses to nap (she hates to nap, even as a newborn she was always afraid she would miss something if she slept when I wasn't sleeping). Life has become a wonderful whirl wind of sleepless nights, baby giggles and never ending laundry. I can't help but look into her big blue gray eyes and wonder if yours were the same color. Would you have had her chubby cheeks too? I know God had his reasons for taking you and although I will never understand them, I finally feel at peace with it. Your daddy and I joke that Maura Grace is so easy going and sweet because God wanted to make it up to us. The guppy is beginning to stir, I'll try to write more often my little one. Know that mama, guppy and daddy love you very very much and think of you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
I know it has been a long time since mama wrote to you. I'm sorry little one, time gets away from me these days, I can't believe how fast it flies by. It has been a year and a half since you left us and just over half a year since your little sister joined us. She is so big already! Yesterday she crawled for the first time, she has been trying so hard the past few weeks and finally managed to get it right. Today she seems to have decided that she can get around faster doing this part twirl part moving downward facing dog thing lol. She is such a sweet girl Brennan. Everyday I look at her and am just bursting with thankfulness and happiness, even on the rough days when she refuses to nap (she hates to nap, even as a newborn she was always afraid she would miss something if she slept when I wasn't sleeping). Life has become a wonderful whirl wind of sleepless nights, baby giggles and never ending laundry. I can't help but look into her big blue gray eyes and wonder if yours were the same color. Would you have had her chubby cheeks too? I know God had his reasons for taking you and although I will never understand them, I finally feel at peace with it. Your daddy and I joke that Maura Grace is so easy going and sweet because God wanted to make it up to us. The guppy is beginning to stir, I'll try to write more often my little one. Know that mama, guppy and daddy love you very very much and think of you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
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| Guppy at 7 months |
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| 6 months so happy |
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| Mama Fish and Guppy on father's day |
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Mother to Mother
Dear Minnow,
Spring is in the air, well almost summer really. Either way it seems to be baby season around here. I now have 5 women in my life who are expecting one of which is your auntie Kai!! I am soo thrilled!! Looks like the guppy will have plenty of playmates by next spring. When I was pregnant with your little sister a friend posted a blog a review of all of the baby items she found helpful and the she could have totally gone without. It was extremely helpful! There are just too many babysites out there trying to convince you that you need way more crap than you actually do. Here is my list of the items I found really helpful along with some things I'll switch out next time around. Just remember, every baby is different, my friend's daughter didn't like her swing, it has been a lifesaver with guppy though, like everything in motherhood it's all about trial and error.
Okay here goes the list in no particular order:
Pack N' Play: I've been using ours next to my bed instead of a bassinet, although it's great for traveling it's a bit of a pain in the butt for nursing. Getting out of bed to lift her out of it in the middle of the night stinks and even to check on her or put the binky in her mouth requires dangling off the bed head first (I swear that is how the whole messed up wrist thing started). I would gladly trade in my pack n' play for an arms reach co-sleeper.
Bouncy Seat: You want one of these. I actually have two, we bought one at the moms of multiples consignment sale, it was cute and pink and vibrated but a friend of mine also lent me this one Awesome at first I was like why on earth do I need this one. Turns out most babies like to sleep inclined especially if they have reflux which Guppy did at first. The bouncing is also much more like what they feel in the womb. I literally put the awesome bouncy seat in the pack n play and that is where she slept for the first few weeks. We liked it so much in fact that when we saw the same one at my favorite consignment store for only $20 will bought so we wouldn't have to keep lugging the one we borrowed up and down the stairs for naps. I would say try to find a used one though they are very sturdy and hold up well used.
Playmat: You can't really go wrong with playmats. Guppy has a jungle themed one from fischer price that she loves she also like to lick the elephant that came with it. This is the one she has, I like it because the toys all detach so you can move them around the mat or add other toys. Obviously you don't need a playmat but they're really helpful, I can get things done and she is happy to play on it.
Baby Clothes: Buy them used, especially newborn stuff the first few baby blowouts will ruin those cute going home outfits also if your nursing you might end up with rusty colored spit up on everything (sometimes your nipples bleed at first so the baby spits up milk mixed with blood from your nipples which stains). Another reason to buy used, you might give birth to a nudist like the guppy.
Stroller: I kept saying I didn't want one, I'm really glad I have one. Although I prefer to wear the guppy for small trips, the stroller is great for long walks outside and places like the mall. I have This One and love it. It's beyond easy to push and turn and the wheels are big enough to handle off roading.
Babywearing: I went a little overboard, I bought a moby and a maya ring sling before the guppy was born. I sooner realized that the moby was a pain in the butt yes it worked and she loved it once she was in but it took me so long to tie it that she would scream her head off until she was in it. I still have high hopes for the maya but when the guppy was a newborn it just didn't give enough neck support. A friend of mine introduced me to the hotsling and I was hooked! I love my hotsling it is soo easy and there are a bunch of different positions all of which the guppy loves. I also bought mine used, best $18 I've spent on baby gear.
Baby Bath tub: Don't go overboard, babies r us carries baby spas and expensive baths, don't waste your money on something fancy. I love our little pink bathtub, I think it's fischer price. Ours fits over the kitchen sink which was great when she was little. We got a solid 3 months of use out of it before the guppy's legs got too long and she figured out how to push herself over the bump that is supposed to keep the baby in place. She also started to kick her legs over the sides so we have moved into the big bathtub with a rolled up towel under her head. We will definitely be using it again for the next baby.
Diapers: I love our cloth diapers.We mostly use bumgenius and have a few sunbabies. I totally suggest cloth diapering but make sure you either rent newborn cloth diapers, use prefolds or use disposables for the first 6 weeks. As much as I hate disposables the bumgenius just didn't fit right until 6 weeks.
well I'll add more as they come to me. Nursing gear needs a whole entry of it's own.
love always,
Fish
Spring is in the air, well almost summer really. Either way it seems to be baby season around here. I now have 5 women in my life who are expecting one of which is your auntie Kai!! I am soo thrilled!! Looks like the guppy will have plenty of playmates by next spring. When I was pregnant with your little sister a friend posted a blog a review of all of the baby items she found helpful and the she could have totally gone without. It was extremely helpful! There are just too many babysites out there trying to convince you that you need way more crap than you actually do. Here is my list of the items I found really helpful along with some things I'll switch out next time around. Just remember, every baby is different, my friend's daughter didn't like her swing, it has been a lifesaver with guppy though, like everything in motherhood it's all about trial and error.
Okay here goes the list in no particular order:
Pack N' Play: I've been using ours next to my bed instead of a bassinet, although it's great for traveling it's a bit of a pain in the butt for nursing. Getting out of bed to lift her out of it in the middle of the night stinks and even to check on her or put the binky in her mouth requires dangling off the bed head first (I swear that is how the whole messed up wrist thing started). I would gladly trade in my pack n' play for an arms reach co-sleeper.
Bouncy Seat: You want one of these. I actually have two, we bought one at the moms of multiples consignment sale, it was cute and pink and vibrated but a friend of mine also lent me this one Awesome at first I was like why on earth do I need this one. Turns out most babies like to sleep inclined especially if they have reflux which Guppy did at first. The bouncing is also much more like what they feel in the womb. I literally put the awesome bouncy seat in the pack n play and that is where she slept for the first few weeks. We liked it so much in fact that when we saw the same one at my favorite consignment store for only $20 will bought so we wouldn't have to keep lugging the one we borrowed up and down the stairs for naps. I would say try to find a used one though they are very sturdy and hold up well used.
Playmat: You can't really go wrong with playmats. Guppy has a jungle themed one from fischer price that she loves she also like to lick the elephant that came with it. This is the one she has, I like it because the toys all detach so you can move them around the mat or add other toys. Obviously you don't need a playmat but they're really helpful, I can get things done and she is happy to play on it.
Baby Clothes: Buy them used, especially newborn stuff the first few baby blowouts will ruin those cute going home outfits also if your nursing you might end up with rusty colored spit up on everything (sometimes your nipples bleed at first so the baby spits up milk mixed with blood from your nipples which stains). Another reason to buy used, you might give birth to a nudist like the guppy.
Stroller: I kept saying I didn't want one, I'm really glad I have one. Although I prefer to wear the guppy for small trips, the stroller is great for long walks outside and places like the mall. I have This One and love it. It's beyond easy to push and turn and the wheels are big enough to handle off roading.
Babywearing: I went a little overboard, I bought a moby and a maya ring sling before the guppy was born. I sooner realized that the moby was a pain in the butt yes it worked and she loved it once she was in but it took me so long to tie it that she would scream her head off until she was in it. I still have high hopes for the maya but when the guppy was a newborn it just didn't give enough neck support. A friend of mine introduced me to the hotsling and I was hooked! I love my hotsling it is soo easy and there are a bunch of different positions all of which the guppy loves. I also bought mine used, best $18 I've spent on baby gear.
Baby Bath tub: Don't go overboard, babies r us carries baby spas and expensive baths, don't waste your money on something fancy. I love our little pink bathtub, I think it's fischer price. Ours fits over the kitchen sink which was great when she was little. We got a solid 3 months of use out of it before the guppy's legs got too long and she figured out how to push herself over the bump that is supposed to keep the baby in place. She also started to kick her legs over the sides so we have moved into the big bathtub with a rolled up towel under her head. We will definitely be using it again for the next baby.
Diapers: I love our cloth diapers.We mostly use bumgenius and have a few sunbabies. I totally suggest cloth diapering but make sure you either rent newborn cloth diapers, use prefolds or use disposables for the first 6 weeks. As much as I hate disposables the bumgenius just didn't fit right until 6 weeks.
well I'll add more as they come to me. Nursing gear needs a whole entry of it's own.
love always,
Fish
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Nights Like This
Dear Minnow,
I love nights like this.Your little sister fell asleep in my arms after a long bath full of giggles and splashes and went down in her bassinet without a fight.Your daddy is driving your auntie to her sleepover (there is a teacher work day tomorrow) and for the first time in a very very long time I have the house to myself, with the exception of the sleeping guppy of course. Your daddy is still job searching but I am trying to let go and trust that he will get hired somewhere, I can't afford anymore sleepless nights grinding my teeth and worrying. I'm just going to concentrate on the good things. For a while there I was drowning under all of the diapers and laundry and sleepless nights but I finally feel like I am learning to balance mom me with me me. I realized that I need to make time to workout, to see my friends, to dance, and for theatre.Friday I am going to be teaching my first workshop since the guppy was born. I am really excited to be back in the classroom, if the workshop goes well I might be teaching a drama elective class for them a few hours week next year (assuming your daddy gets a job here). I am really hoping he will find a job somewhere near family, so either here, in New England, North Carolina or Washington. As usual I have absolutely no idea what plans God has in store for our little family, but one thing is for certain, He knows whats best for us. Well my little one, mama can barely keep her eyes open. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
I love nights like this.Your little sister fell asleep in my arms after a long bath full of giggles and splashes and went down in her bassinet without a fight.Your daddy is driving your auntie to her sleepover (there is a teacher work day tomorrow) and for the first time in a very very long time I have the house to myself, with the exception of the sleeping guppy of course. Your daddy is still job searching but I am trying to let go and trust that he will get hired somewhere, I can't afford anymore sleepless nights grinding my teeth and worrying. I'm just going to concentrate on the good things. For a while there I was drowning under all of the diapers and laundry and sleepless nights but I finally feel like I am learning to balance mom me with me me. I realized that I need to make time to workout, to see my friends, to dance, and for theatre.Friday I am going to be teaching my first workshop since the guppy was born. I am really excited to be back in the classroom, if the workshop goes well I might be teaching a drama elective class for them a few hours week next year (assuming your daddy gets a job here). I am really hoping he will find a job somewhere near family, so either here, in New England, North Carolina or Washington. As usual I have absolutely no idea what plans God has in store for our little family, but one thing is for certain, He knows whats best for us. Well my little one, mama can barely keep her eyes open. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Friday, April 6, 2012
Tonight
Dear Minnow,
Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy. I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
Love,
Mama
Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy. I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, March 15, 2012
checking in
Dear Minnow,
I'm so sorry I have been such a bad blogger lately! I promise not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Your little sister is growing like a weed! She can already roll over at 2 months! I cant help but be amazed that she is here with us. Your daddy might be changing jobs, its looking more and more like we'll be moving across the country to Seattle. I really hope he will find a job here so we won't have to move. I finally feel like I fit here, like I've found a home to raise your sister and we might have to move! I know it's in God's hands I just have to let it go and see what happens. I have to run little one but know that mama loves you always.
Love,
Fish
I'm so sorry I have been such a bad blogger lately! I promise not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Your little sister is growing like a weed! She can already roll over at 2 months! I cant help but be amazed that she is here with us. Your daddy might be changing jobs, its looking more and more like we'll be moving across the country to Seattle. I really hope he will find a job here so we won't have to move. I finally feel like I fit here, like I've found a home to raise your sister and we might have to move! I know it's in God's hands I just have to let it go and see what happens. I have to run little one but know that mama loves you always.
Love,
Fish
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| Guppy 2.5 months her happy squeal |
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Days Go By
Dear Minnow,
Hi baby girl! I finally have a moment to sit and write you. Your daddy has been traveling a lot the past two weeks which makes life a little harder then usually. Your little sister and I had a few rough days and sleepless nights but for the most part we're getting the hang of things. She's sitting in her bouncy seat by my feet trying to fight sleep. We went and saw your auntie Risa this week for my 6 week check up, I think she's earned the title of aunt. It was so great to see her! She scooped up your little sister and showed her off to all of the nurses and staff. She also remembered your birthday and asked how it went. She is such a caring person. Your auntie MK asked me the other day why so many people get to be called aunt who aren't actually the guppy's aunt ( she's a little jealous). I grew up with tons of aunts, auntie Laurie, auntie Cindy, auntie Lorraine, auntie Patsy, none of which are actually related to me and then two blood related aunts, auntie Marcie and aunt Marie. I see aunt as a term of endearment and respect for the women who play a big role in your child's life. You and your sister have auntie Amanda, auntie Gina, auntie Beth, auntie Laura, auntie Molls who are not related to you and I'm sure the list will continue to grow. You also have your auntie Kai, aunt MK and aunt Colleen who are my sister and my sisters in law and then your auntie Ruth and auntie Adrianne who are my cousins but might as well be my sisters. I know that's a lot of aunts lol :-). It really does take a village. Let's see, what else is new? I'm very eager to start going to the gym again, I've got a lot of baby weight to loose. I think about you a lot my little minnow, I know your here with us. I promise to write again soon.
Love always,
Fish
ps. Motherhood makes you do strange things, you know how I love making lists so here is a list of things I find myself doing sometimes on a daily basis that probably make me seem crazy to the average observer.
1. Whenever your little sister makes a noise (oos, ahhs, coos) we all make it back to her, it's supposed to encourage her to explore her voice but it feels like we are stuck in an episode of Pee-Wee's playhouse and she keeps saying the word of the day.
2. You have to use special diaper cream with cloth diapers, we have a big thing of coconut oil and a little tub of BUTTer that smells like a pina colata, somewhere along the line I started singing "You put the lime in the coconut" whenever I put the coconut oil on your sister's butt and "If you like pina coolatas" when we use the BUTTer.... any given night you will find me elbow deep in poop in the nursery singing one of those songs, it might seem crazy but it keeps the guppy from crying.
3. I frequently can't remember if I have brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, eaten anything or peed at all that day.
4. I become disoriented if I sleep for more than 3 hours in one stretch.
5. I have woken up in the middle of the night breastfeeding my pillow on multiple occasions, usually when Maura has slept through her usual every 3 hour feeding thus leaving me disoriented from too much sleep.
6. I can fall asleep anywhere, with any or all lights on and regardless of how loud your dad is blarring the tv, if your sister falls asleep I drop where I am and try to sleep too.
7. There are two boob shaped stains on my side of the bed, I like to sleep on my stomach but when I do so my boobs leak like faucets...I just don't care.
8. Things I would have thought were disgusting don't phase me anymore, I frequently pick pacifiers up off the floor and stick them in my mouth before depositing them back in the guppy's mouth, you might find me picking through the hamper for a nursing shirt, everything I own now has some form of baby stain on it but I wear them anyways, at any given time there is breast milk, spit up, baby pee or poop or all of the above somewhere on my persons...I really do love motherhood though I promise :-)
Hi baby girl! I finally have a moment to sit and write you. Your daddy has been traveling a lot the past two weeks which makes life a little harder then usually. Your little sister and I had a few rough days and sleepless nights but for the most part we're getting the hang of things. She's sitting in her bouncy seat by my feet trying to fight sleep. We went and saw your auntie Risa this week for my 6 week check up, I think she's earned the title of aunt. It was so great to see her! She scooped up your little sister and showed her off to all of the nurses and staff. She also remembered your birthday and asked how it went. She is such a caring person. Your auntie MK asked me the other day why so many people get to be called aunt who aren't actually the guppy's aunt ( she's a little jealous). I grew up with tons of aunts, auntie Laurie, auntie Cindy, auntie Lorraine, auntie Patsy, none of which are actually related to me and then two blood related aunts, auntie Marcie and aunt Marie. I see aunt as a term of endearment and respect for the women who play a big role in your child's life. You and your sister have auntie Amanda, auntie Gina, auntie Beth, auntie Laura, auntie Molls who are not related to you and I'm sure the list will continue to grow. You also have your auntie Kai, aunt MK and aunt Colleen who are my sister and my sisters in law and then your auntie Ruth and auntie Adrianne who are my cousins but might as well be my sisters. I know that's a lot of aunts lol :-). It really does take a village. Let's see, what else is new? I'm very eager to start going to the gym again, I've got a lot of baby weight to loose. I think about you a lot my little minnow, I know your here with us. I promise to write again soon.
Love always,
Fish
ps. Motherhood makes you do strange things, you know how I love making lists so here is a list of things I find myself doing sometimes on a daily basis that probably make me seem crazy to the average observer.
1. Whenever your little sister makes a noise (oos, ahhs, coos) we all make it back to her, it's supposed to encourage her to explore her voice but it feels like we are stuck in an episode of Pee-Wee's playhouse and she keeps saying the word of the day.
2. You have to use special diaper cream with cloth diapers, we have a big thing of coconut oil and a little tub of BUTTer that smells like a pina colata, somewhere along the line I started singing "You put the lime in the coconut" whenever I put the coconut oil on your sister's butt and "If you like pina coolatas" when we use the BUTTer.... any given night you will find me elbow deep in poop in the nursery singing one of those songs, it might seem crazy but it keeps the guppy from crying.
3. I frequently can't remember if I have brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, eaten anything or peed at all that day.
4. I become disoriented if I sleep for more than 3 hours in one stretch.
5. I have woken up in the middle of the night breastfeeding my pillow on multiple occasions, usually when Maura has slept through her usual every 3 hour feeding thus leaving me disoriented from too much sleep.
6. I can fall asleep anywhere, with any or all lights on and regardless of how loud your dad is blarring the tv, if your sister falls asleep I drop where I am and try to sleep too.
7. There are two boob shaped stains on my side of the bed, I like to sleep on my stomach but when I do so my boobs leak like faucets...I just don't care.
8. Things I would have thought were disgusting don't phase me anymore, I frequently pick pacifiers up off the floor and stick them in my mouth before depositing them back in the guppy's mouth, you might find me picking through the hamper for a nursing shirt, everything I own now has some form of baby stain on it but I wear them anyways, at any given time there is breast milk, spit up, baby pee or poop or all of the above somewhere on my persons...I really do love motherhood though I promise :-)
Friday, January 20, 2012
A Year Without You
Dear Minnow,
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:
it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
Love always,
Fish
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:
In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
As if all the stars
Were laughing
When you look
At the sky at night
And there is sweetness
In the laughter of all the stars…
And in the memories of those you love.
Love always,
Fish
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Happy Tired
Dear Minnow,
Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mama
Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mama
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| Guppy and I |
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| Guppy at 3 weeks |
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
1st Week
Dear Minnow,
I promise I will write you soon. I keep meaning to write your little sister's birth story but she keeps me pretty busy these days and I am loving every minute of it! She is currently asleep on daddy's chest. Today was my first solo day with her and I am happy to say it was a success. Guppy was up all night being gassy and your daddy had to work in NJ this morning so I was up by myself all night, I finally got to fufill my dream of rocking my baby to sleep in that glider and singing all of the lullabies to her that I sang to you when you were in my belly. Your little sister is just like your daddy, she prefers to stay up late and then sleep until noon with little food breaks in between. Thankfully that meant I got to sleep late this morning too. Her belly button stump fell off last night so today I put her in her first cloth diaper :-). It gives her the cutest little bubble butt lol. Today was a great day. I know your here with us baby girl. Know that we love you always.
Love,
Fish
I promise I will write you soon. I keep meaning to write your little sister's birth story but she keeps me pretty busy these days and I am loving every minute of it! She is currently asleep on daddy's chest. Today was my first solo day with her and I am happy to say it was a success. Guppy was up all night being gassy and your daddy had to work in NJ this morning so I was up by myself all night, I finally got to fufill my dream of rocking my baby to sleep in that glider and singing all of the lullabies to her that I sang to you when you were in my belly. Your little sister is just like your daddy, she prefers to stay up late and then sleep until noon with little food breaks in between. Thankfully that meant I got to sleep late this morning too. Her belly button stump fell off last night so today I put her in her first cloth diaper :-). It gives her the cutest little bubble butt lol. Today was a great day. I know your here with us baby girl. Know that we love you always.
Love,
Fish
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Rainbow Connection
Dear Minnow,
On December 21, 2011 at 5:48pm your little sister Maura Grace (aka guppy) entered the world safe and sound, all 8lbs 3oz, 20 inches of her. :-). I couldn't be happier or more grateful to God. I could feel you there with us little one. I love you always and forever so does daddy and guppy.
Love,
Mommy
On December 21, 2011 at 5:48pm your little sister Maura Grace (aka guppy) entered the world safe and sound, all 8lbs 3oz, 20 inches of her. :-). I couldn't be happier or more grateful to God. I could feel you there with us little one. I love you always and forever so does daddy and guppy.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Occupy Fish
Dear Minnow,
Your little sister is still hanging in there. She is a stubborn little one, she must get it from her Portuguese side. Your auntie Kai has started calling this Occupy Fish instead of baby watch. I'm being induced on Wednesday, December 21st, 2011...I realized yesterday that I was induced with you on a Wednesday, Wednesday, January 19th, 2011. I keep praying your sister will come on her own so that the doctors won't have to give me pitocin like I had for you but she just doesn't want to budge. I'm honestly a little scared about being induced on a Wednesday since I lost you on a Wednesday. I know that is silly of me and I'm trying to push it out of my mind but I'm still scared something will go wrong and I'll loose guppy too. I miss you little one. Your Brennan bear from Molly Bears came this week! It is so cute and even has little seashell buttons. I am going to bring her to the hospital with me on Wednesday so you will be there in spirit with us. I really wish your little sister would come on her own but I have tried everything, evening prime rose oil, raspberry tea, walking, acupuncture, I'll just have to get over my fear of pitocin. I miss you minnow. I promise to post pictures of your molly bear soon. Here is a pic of the wreath I made today and one of mommy's huge belly from this week. We love you always Brennan, please keep your little sister safe.
Love always,
Fish
Your little sister is still hanging in there. She is a stubborn little one, she must get it from her Portuguese side. Your auntie Kai has started calling this Occupy Fish instead of baby watch. I'm being induced on Wednesday, December 21st, 2011...I realized yesterday that I was induced with you on a Wednesday, Wednesday, January 19th, 2011. I keep praying your sister will come on her own so that the doctors won't have to give me pitocin like I had for you but she just doesn't want to budge. I'm honestly a little scared about being induced on a Wednesday since I lost you on a Wednesday. I know that is silly of me and I'm trying to push it out of my mind but I'm still scared something will go wrong and I'll loose guppy too. I miss you little one. Your Brennan bear from Molly Bears came this week! It is so cute and even has little seashell buttons. I am going to bring her to the hospital with me on Wednesday so you will be there in spirit with us. I really wish your little sister would come on her own but I have tried everything, evening prime rose oil, raspberry tea, walking, acupuncture, I'll just have to get over my fear of pitocin. I miss you minnow. I promise to post pictures of your molly bear soon. Here is a pic of the wreath I made today and one of mommy's huge belly from this week. We love you always Brennan, please keep your little sister safe.
Love always,
Fish
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| 38 weeks and some odd days with Guppy |
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| Figured I'd put the extra Christmas tree branches to good use |
Thursday, December 8, 2011
14 months
Dear Minnow,
It has been an interesting week baby girl. The week started out with the entire family including some of your daddy's NY cousins going to brunch at the officer's club to celebrate your great granddad's 80th birthday. It was such a lovely day! On top of brunch being a delicious start to the holiday season, we walked into the club and there was a children's madrigal choir singing in the lobby. I couldn't see the kid's faces but asked someone what school they were from. Low and behold they were from the middle school I taught theatre at last year! I was so great to see the choir teacher, who even brought the kids over to sing happy birthday for granddad and to get hugs from a few of my old students :-). The day ended with a nice nap and then yoga class at the thrift store which really helped release some of my stress. I was really hoping the evening prime rose oil would work some magic on my cervix this week and bring your little sister closer to being born but there was no change at my 37 week check up Tuesday. That made me pretty bummed but thankfully it was also SPALS night (subsequent pregnancy after a loss support group). I love SPALS, I don't know how I would have stayed sane or gotten through this pregnancy without their support. I thank God everyday for bringing these amazing women into my life! I'm trying to let go of the last of my worries and come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be induced on the 21st. I just pray that God will continue to keep your little sister safe. I was thinking today, I have officially been pregnant for 14 out of the last 16 months....that is a freaking long time to be pregnant! I started making a mental list today of signs I've been pregnant for to long so I included what I've come up with so far. I miss you tons little one but I know your right here with us. I love you always.
Love,
Fish
You Know You've Been Pregnant For To Long When:
1) Your maternity jeans have started to wear through in the thighs from wearing them so much.
2) You no longer remember what real jeans feel like...or if you even still own a pair of non maternity jeans.
3) Getting up every few hours for feedings will be a welcome vacation from getting up to pee every 30 mins.
4) You don't own two bras that are the same size ( I went from an A to a D and now my cup runneth over)
5) Remember when you could wear heels?....I don't.
6) You've had to run to payless on the way to an event because your feet were too swollen to fit in your shoes.
7) Breathing out of your nose is a luxury...scratch that breathing these days has become a luxury guppy loves my ribcage.
8) Your stomach moving on it's own has become the norm to you.
9) You out weigh your husband.
10)Alcohol.....what's that?
It has been an interesting week baby girl. The week started out with the entire family including some of your daddy's NY cousins going to brunch at the officer's club to celebrate your great granddad's 80th birthday. It was such a lovely day! On top of brunch being a delicious start to the holiday season, we walked into the club and there was a children's madrigal choir singing in the lobby. I couldn't see the kid's faces but asked someone what school they were from. Low and behold they were from the middle school I taught theatre at last year! I was so great to see the choir teacher, who even brought the kids over to sing happy birthday for granddad and to get hugs from a few of my old students :-). The day ended with a nice nap and then yoga class at the thrift store which really helped release some of my stress. I was really hoping the evening prime rose oil would work some magic on my cervix this week and bring your little sister closer to being born but there was no change at my 37 week check up Tuesday. That made me pretty bummed but thankfully it was also SPALS night (subsequent pregnancy after a loss support group). I love SPALS, I don't know how I would have stayed sane or gotten through this pregnancy without their support. I thank God everyday for bringing these amazing women into my life! I'm trying to let go of the last of my worries and come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be induced on the 21st. I just pray that God will continue to keep your little sister safe. I was thinking today, I have officially been pregnant for 14 out of the last 16 months....that is a freaking long time to be pregnant! I started making a mental list today of signs I've been pregnant for to long so I included what I've come up with so far. I miss you tons little one but I know your right here with us. I love you always.
Love,
Fish
You Know You've Been Pregnant For To Long When:
1) Your maternity jeans have started to wear through in the thighs from wearing them so much.
2) You no longer remember what real jeans feel like...or if you even still own a pair of non maternity jeans.
3) Getting up every few hours for feedings will be a welcome vacation from getting up to pee every 30 mins.
4) You don't own two bras that are the same size ( I went from an A to a D and now my cup runneth over)
5) Remember when you could wear heels?....I don't.
6) You've had to run to payless on the way to an event because your feet were too swollen to fit in your shoes.
7) Breathing out of your nose is a luxury...scratch that breathing these days has become a luxury guppy loves my ribcage.
8) Your stomach moving on it's own has become the norm to you.
9) You out weigh your husband.
10)Alcohol.....what's that?
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| 37 weeks with little sister Guppy |
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Decemeber
Dear Minnow,
It is officially December baby girl. I usually love everything to do with Christmas, when I was a kid my mom used to let us invite our friends over to decorate the house and tree. She would put sugar cookies in the oven and play our favorite tape of Christmas carol spoofs (The 12 things at Christmas that are such a pain to me, Grandma got run over by a reindeer ext) and we would all laugh and laugh and as we put together our fake Christmas tree and fight over who would hide baby Jesus (we hide him until Christmas eve then place him in the manger). Christmas' with my in-laws are just as joyous although much much louder :-) and every year since your daddy and I were first dating I would look forward to being thrown in the loud mix of 20 something cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings preparing Christmas ever dinner and tearing apparent presents. But last year I spent the holiday feeling so lost and alone on the inside and having to fake a smile and get through the family celebration while everyone turned a blind eye to my baby bump. I had the CVS and Amniocentesis last December and your daddy and I spent the holiday praying for some shred of good news. I remember sitting in church and crying, Christmas is about celebrating birth, the birth of our Lord, and there I was knowing deep inside that you were never going to celebrate a Christmas with us and wondering why I wasn't being allowing to carry a healthy child, why my child? Your dad and I talked a lot about this the other day on our way home from our 36 week check up for your little sister. You changed us baby girl, your daddy and I will never be the same people we were before we lost you, before I carried you, but we've realized that you changed us for the better. We love deeper, we appreciate life more, you showed me who I want to have a part in my life and not to waste this precious life surrounded by negative energy or sending out negative energy. You've helped me form connections to such amazing people and you've shown me the type of mother I want to be. I pray I will get a chance to be that type of mother to your little sister. We had our 36 week check up and met our doula this week. The doula is so nice and compassionate and really seemed to hit it off with us and Resa. Your sister has dropped and engaged which is great but my cervix is still hard and only 1cm dilated so we are starting to try natural ways of getting the cervix to soften, we are truly hoping that your little sister will come on her own before the 21st so that we do not have to use medication to induce. I just want her here safe and alive. Please watch over her Brennan. This weekend we will put up the tree and go to brunch for your great grandpa's 80th birthday. The house will be filled with relatives and Christmas music and I am going to try to be hopeful. I am going to try to soak it in and enjoy it and pray that by the time Christmas Eve comes I will holding your little sister in my arms. I love you with all my heart my little minnow and I miss you every second of every day and despite all of the pain, I thank God for making me your mother.
Love always,
Fish
PS. Almost a year ago I put our name on a waitlist for a Molly Bear, it's an organization that makes teddy bears for angel mommys so they will have something to hold in their arms when they can't hold their babies. I think it is such an amazing organization and especially right after I lost you all I wanted was to feel your weight in my arms. They had a fundraiser the other day where if you were one of the first to donate they would send you your bear by Christmas and we were one of the first to donate! I am so excited to see your bear, it is going to be a gift from you to your little sister so you will always be with her. :-)
It is officially December baby girl. I usually love everything to do with Christmas, when I was a kid my mom used to let us invite our friends over to decorate the house and tree. She would put sugar cookies in the oven and play our favorite tape of Christmas carol spoofs (The 12 things at Christmas that are such a pain to me, Grandma got run over by a reindeer ext) and we would all laugh and laugh and as we put together our fake Christmas tree and fight over who would hide baby Jesus (we hide him until Christmas eve then place him in the manger). Christmas' with my in-laws are just as joyous although much much louder :-) and every year since your daddy and I were first dating I would look forward to being thrown in the loud mix of 20 something cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings preparing Christmas ever dinner and tearing apparent presents. But last year I spent the holiday feeling so lost and alone on the inside and having to fake a smile and get through the family celebration while everyone turned a blind eye to my baby bump. I had the CVS and Amniocentesis last December and your daddy and I spent the holiday praying for some shred of good news. I remember sitting in church and crying, Christmas is about celebrating birth, the birth of our Lord, and there I was knowing deep inside that you were never going to celebrate a Christmas with us and wondering why I wasn't being allowing to carry a healthy child, why my child? Your dad and I talked a lot about this the other day on our way home from our 36 week check up for your little sister. You changed us baby girl, your daddy and I will never be the same people we were before we lost you, before I carried you, but we've realized that you changed us for the better. We love deeper, we appreciate life more, you showed me who I want to have a part in my life and not to waste this precious life surrounded by negative energy or sending out negative energy. You've helped me form connections to such amazing people and you've shown me the type of mother I want to be. I pray I will get a chance to be that type of mother to your little sister. We had our 36 week check up and met our doula this week. The doula is so nice and compassionate and really seemed to hit it off with us and Resa. Your sister has dropped and engaged which is great but my cervix is still hard and only 1cm dilated so we are starting to try natural ways of getting the cervix to soften, we are truly hoping that your little sister will come on her own before the 21st so that we do not have to use medication to induce. I just want her here safe and alive. Please watch over her Brennan. This weekend we will put up the tree and go to brunch for your great grandpa's 80th birthday. The house will be filled with relatives and Christmas music and I am going to try to be hopeful. I am going to try to soak it in and enjoy it and pray that by the time Christmas Eve comes I will holding your little sister in my arms. I love you with all my heart my little minnow and I miss you every second of every day and despite all of the pain, I thank God for making me your mother.
Love always,
Fish
PS. Almost a year ago I put our name on a waitlist for a Molly Bear, it's an organization that makes teddy bears for angel mommys so they will have something to hold in their arms when they can't hold their babies. I think it is such an amazing organization and especially right after I lost you all I wanted was to feel your weight in my arms. They had a fundraiser the other day where if you were one of the first to donate they would send you your bear by Christmas and we were one of the first to donate! I am so excited to see your bear, it is going to be a gift from you to your little sister so you will always be with her. :-)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thankful
Dear Minnow,
I can barely keep my eyes but I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving little one. I've been thinking about you a lot today baby girl, one year ago today I was sitting by the fire up at the lodge sewing your baby blanket and praying for some sort of miracle as we waited for the results of the CVS to come in. I miss you Brennan. This year I am thankful for the time I had with you, I am thankful for the support and friendship of fellow baby loss mama's who have helped me through loosing your. I am thankful for your amazing daddy who put me back together after our world came crashing down. I am thankful to have family near, a career that I love, a belly full of food, sore cheeks from laughing so hard with friends today and your little sister in my belly. I am so scared that I will loose her too, but I am so thankful for this time I have with her. I know your with me minnow, every step of this journey. Please keep an eye on your little sister, please send her to us safe and sound. I love you with all my heart and I am so grateful you touched my life.
Love always,
Mommy
I can barely keep my eyes but I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving little one. I've been thinking about you a lot today baby girl, one year ago today I was sitting by the fire up at the lodge sewing your baby blanket and praying for some sort of miracle as we waited for the results of the CVS to come in. I miss you Brennan. This year I am thankful for the time I had with you, I am thankful for the support and friendship of fellow baby loss mama's who have helped me through loosing your. I am thankful for your amazing daddy who put me back together after our world came crashing down. I am thankful to have family near, a career that I love, a belly full of food, sore cheeks from laughing so hard with friends today and your little sister in my belly. I am so scared that I will loose her too, but I am so thankful for this time I have with her. I know your with me minnow, every step of this journey. Please keep an eye on your little sister, please send her to us safe and sound. I love you with all my heart and I am so grateful you touched my life.
Love always,
Mommy
Friday, November 18, 2011
What They Don't Tell You..
Dear Minnow,
Okay this whole third trimester thing is new to me. This pregnancy I knew what to expect from the first two trimesters, I had them down, but this is new territory. I had my 34 week check up with the midwife this week and ending up going in with a huge list of "is this normal?". Now I frequent the usual parenting websites, thebump, parenting, babble, offbeatmama, babycenter ext., but I have come to the conclusion that they do a pretty piss poor job of accurately describing what your body will go through. Here are my real world translations:
"Morning Sickness"- yes they tell you that it will last all day, but what they don't tell you is that you probably won't be able to keep your eyes open for more than a few hours at a time. The websites also make it sound like your feel sick, puke your guts out and then feel better.... in all actuality you might puke and feel better for a bit then puke again or in my case I felt sick all day, sick but then would dry heave over the toilet praying I would vomit and get it over with but never puked up anything besides bile.
"Lack of appetite"- yah, wouldn't that be nice, they really should say, you will more than likely be starving all the time, want to and possibly will eat everything in sight but then will immediately regret that decision when your once again hanging over the toilet hoping to puke.
"Heartburn"- that cute little bundle of joy in your belly can and will breath fire for the next 9 months, sometimes I think she is burning a hole in my esophagus. I'm at the bottom of my second jumbo size bottle of tums this pregnancy...I went through a full bottle when I was pregnant with you minnow :-).
"Staying active and eating right will help you avoid excess weight gain"- umm....wrong, just so wrong. Yes you should stay active and eat right that's common sense, but I gained 20 pounds in the two months I was running the summer camp. I was constantly on my feet, running around with the kids and rarely had time to eat the healthy lunches I packed. I was lucky if I got to eat a few crackers and a granola bar during the day let alone if I was still awake to cook dinner. As my midwife told me, your gonna gain what your gonna gain.
"Breast engorgement and darkening of the aureola may occur"- I got a taste of this when I was pregnant with you, I went from an A cup to a C cup, thank goodness your Auntie Gina has a larger chest and came to my rescue with bra's she had outgrown. But that still did not prepare me for the breast changes that happen in the 3rd trimester...I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I now have Nation Geographic boobs, the kind that are huge and round with nipples so dark they look like they've been painted on...I honestly did not recognize my own boobs, the websites should really warn you about that. *Side note: they also do not warn that after you loose a baby your milk might still let down. I learned that the hard way a few days after I lost you Brennan, looked down to find that I had soaked through my shirt.
"Sciatica"- why don't they just called it a sharp pain or muscle spasm that will randomly make it feel like your butt cheek, low back and back of your thigh is being pierced with a bolt of lightning? I felt it for the first time a few nights ago and literally had the mental image of my butt cheek and back being hit by lightning, reading the description on the website did me no good, it wasn't until I described the feeling to your Auntie Ruthie that I found out it was sciatica.
"Catch up on your sleep in the third trimester"- the third trimester is the first trimester only you feel like a whale and resemble a blimp. You'll be up to pee just as often as you were in the first trimester. I am tired most of the time, nauseous, thankfully not as hungry as the first trimester and ache in whole new places for whole new reasons. Oh, remember pregnancy acne? Yah that will come back and although the first trimester I could shower twice a day and still look like I hadn't washed my hair in a week, currently I could not wash my hair for days and still look like I just blow dried it...the rest of me however would reek! I don't remember any of the websites mentioning night sweats and heat flashes, which are apparently completely normal and have become an every night occurrence for me (hence the needing to get my smelly self into the shower first thing every morning).
And lastly, although every baby loss website or baby loss mama will tell you that a new pregnancy or new baby isn't a cure all, the scar of loosing a child will always be there, it makes me sad to see so many women posting on regular pregnancy websites about how they just immediately want to get pregnant again. I felt that way too right after loosing you but I thankfully had other women who had been through baby loss already in my life and even though your daddy and I waited a few cycles before trying again, it hit me really hard when I saw that second pink line the first month we tried again. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet your little sister, but I still think of you everyday. I love both of you so much! My wonderful daughters. Please watch over your little sister minnow, please keep her safe. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Okay this whole third trimester thing is new to me. This pregnancy I knew what to expect from the first two trimesters, I had them down, but this is new territory. I had my 34 week check up with the midwife this week and ending up going in with a huge list of "is this normal?". Now I frequent the usual parenting websites, thebump, parenting, babble, offbeatmama, babycenter ext., but I have come to the conclusion that they do a pretty piss poor job of accurately describing what your body will go through. Here are my real world translations:
"Lack of appetite"- yah, wouldn't that be nice, they really should say, you will more than likely be starving all the time, want to and possibly will eat everything in sight but then will immediately regret that decision when your once again hanging over the toilet hoping to puke.
"Heartburn"- that cute little bundle of joy in your belly can and will breath fire for the next 9 months, sometimes I think she is burning a hole in my esophagus. I'm at the bottom of my second jumbo size bottle of tums this pregnancy...I went through a full bottle when I was pregnant with you minnow :-).
"Staying active and eating right will help you avoid excess weight gain"- umm....wrong, just so wrong. Yes you should stay active and eat right that's common sense, but I gained 20 pounds in the two months I was running the summer camp. I was constantly on my feet, running around with the kids and rarely had time to eat the healthy lunches I packed. I was lucky if I got to eat a few crackers and a granola bar during the day let alone if I was still awake to cook dinner. As my midwife told me, your gonna gain what your gonna gain.
"Breast engorgement and darkening of the aureola may occur"- I got a taste of this when I was pregnant with you, I went from an A cup to a C cup, thank goodness your Auntie Gina has a larger chest and came to my rescue with bra's she had outgrown. But that still did not prepare me for the breast changes that happen in the 3rd trimester...I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I now have Nation Geographic boobs, the kind that are huge and round with nipples so dark they look like they've been painted on...I honestly did not recognize my own boobs, the websites should really warn you about that. *Side note: they also do not warn that after you loose a baby your milk might still let down. I learned that the hard way a few days after I lost you Brennan, looked down to find that I had soaked through my shirt.
"Sciatica"- why don't they just called it a sharp pain or muscle spasm that will randomly make it feel like your butt cheek, low back and back of your thigh is being pierced with a bolt of lightning? I felt it for the first time a few nights ago and literally had the mental image of my butt cheek and back being hit by lightning, reading the description on the website did me no good, it wasn't until I described the feeling to your Auntie Ruthie that I found out it was sciatica.
"Catch up on your sleep in the third trimester"- the third trimester is the first trimester only you feel like a whale and resemble a blimp. You'll be up to pee just as often as you were in the first trimester. I am tired most of the time, nauseous, thankfully not as hungry as the first trimester and ache in whole new places for whole new reasons. Oh, remember pregnancy acne? Yah that will come back and although the first trimester I could shower twice a day and still look like I hadn't washed my hair in a week, currently I could not wash my hair for days and still look like I just blow dried it...the rest of me however would reek! I don't remember any of the websites mentioning night sweats and heat flashes, which are apparently completely normal and have become an every night occurrence for me (hence the needing to get my smelly self into the shower first thing every morning).
And lastly, although every baby loss website or baby loss mama will tell you that a new pregnancy or new baby isn't a cure all, the scar of loosing a child will always be there, it makes me sad to see so many women posting on regular pregnancy websites about how they just immediately want to get pregnant again. I felt that way too right after loosing you but I thankfully had other women who had been through baby loss already in my life and even though your daddy and I waited a few cycles before trying again, it hit me really hard when I saw that second pink line the first month we tried again. I am so happy to be pregnant again and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet your little sister, but I still think of you everyday. I love both of you so much! My wonderful daughters. Please watch over your little sister minnow, please keep her safe. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Are We There yet?
Dear Minnow,
Things have been crazy lately. Last week I was having an awful lot of anxiety about your little sister. I just started to get really scared that something will happen before she is born. I also had some sharp pains in my low abdomen which scared the crap out of me. Thank the Lord for our awesome midwife, I had my 32 week check up last Tuesday and told her about everything. She said the pain was from the position the guppy is in, she is head down already and was pushing on the scar tissue from having the cyst taken off my ovary, nothing to worry about just not so comfortable when she decides to jab her head into it. Resa also decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make me feel better about everything. It helped so much! I hadn't had an ultrasound since my 20 week anatomy scan so just seeing your little sister lifted a huge weight off my chest. The doctor said that everything looks healthy and that she is already 5.5 pounds and measuring at 35.5 weeks!! I know it is doubtful that Resa will induce any earlier than 39 weeks but I am secretly hoping the guppy will make an early appearance. I am still really scared something will go wrong, I just want her here in my arms. Your daddy and I have birthing class again tonight, last weeks class left me kind of scared about giving birth medication (I'm not scared of laboring without meds, I did that with you, just the actual pushing) but I have been reading a book on Hypnobirthing which is slowly giving me more confidence. Well, I'm off to finish Christmas shopping, since the guppy's nursery is pretty much complete I have had to shift my nesting instincts to preparing for Christmas. Please watch over your little sister. I love you my minnow, daddy and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy
Things have been crazy lately. Last week I was having an awful lot of anxiety about your little sister. I just started to get really scared that something will happen before she is born. I also had some sharp pains in my low abdomen which scared the crap out of me. Thank the Lord for our awesome midwife, I had my 32 week check up last Tuesday and told her about everything. She said the pain was from the position the guppy is in, she is head down already and was pushing on the scar tissue from having the cyst taken off my ovary, nothing to worry about just not so comfortable when she decides to jab her head into it. Resa also decided to send me for an ultrasound just to make me feel better about everything. It helped so much! I hadn't had an ultrasound since my 20 week anatomy scan so just seeing your little sister lifted a huge weight off my chest. The doctor said that everything looks healthy and that she is already 5.5 pounds and measuring at 35.5 weeks!! I know it is doubtful that Resa will induce any earlier than 39 weeks but I am secretly hoping the guppy will make an early appearance. I am still really scared something will go wrong, I just want her here in my arms. Your daddy and I have birthing class again tonight, last weeks class left me kind of scared about giving birth medication (I'm not scared of laboring without meds, I did that with you, just the actual pushing) but I have been reading a book on Hypnobirthing which is slowly giving me more confidence. Well, I'm off to finish Christmas shopping, since the guppy's nursery is pretty much complete I have had to shift my nesting instincts to preparing for Christmas. Please watch over your little sister. I love you my minnow, daddy and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy
 |
| The Guppy at 32 weeks 5 days, I wonder if you would have had chubby cheeks like these |
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| She was not pleased at the ultrasound tech for waking her up :-) |
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Birthing Class....
Dear Minnow,
Your dad and I went to our first birthing class last night. Our midwife recommended a hypnobirth class but we missed the deadline for all but one of the classes in the area and the only class left was twice as expensive as the others! Your Auntie Addie (the doula) suggested that since we couldn't take a hypnobirth class we should take a general prepared childbirth class and get hypnobirth books and cds from the library and work on that at home....I really need to get on reading the book, I started it and the whole concept behind the method makes so much sense I just have had a hard time getting myself to do anything to prepare because after a year of being pregnant it feels like the end will never be in sight. So anyways, your father dragged me kicking and screaming (well not kicking and screaming, more like moaning and bitching) to birthing class last night. It was certainly interesting...I think it was more helpful for your dad than it was for me. The instructor went through how to time contractions, the stages of labor and a few different relaxation techniques that our coaches can help us with. When I was in labor with you your poor dad didn't know what to do lol. He kept trying to get me to play games on his iphone and kept asking the nurse if they could give me anything for the pain which they couldn't and I didn't want. It was hard sitting there as the instructor described the first stages of labor because I remember what it felt like. By the time my doctor came to get me for the D&E I had been in full blown back labor for hours without meds, yes it hurt, my back was throbbing so badly I thought I was going to throw up, my ankles ached and I'd go from sweating to shaking but because I was in pre-op I wasn't allowed to get out of the recliner. I honestly think it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had known what was going on in my body and if I had been allowed to get out of the damn chair. My body knew what it needed, I needed to be on all fours. Your daddy wants me to get an epidural this time around, he is not convinced that being in labor with you was as painful as birthing your little sister will be. I'm at least going to try to go med free. Alright, I'm off to run errands and then teach Shakespeare up in Baltimore. I love you little one, please watch over your little sister.
Love always,
Fish
Your dad and I went to our first birthing class last night. Our midwife recommended a hypnobirth class but we missed the deadline for all but one of the classes in the area and the only class left was twice as expensive as the others! Your Auntie Addie (the doula) suggested that since we couldn't take a hypnobirth class we should take a general prepared childbirth class and get hypnobirth books and cds from the library and work on that at home....I really need to get on reading the book, I started it and the whole concept behind the method makes so much sense I just have had a hard time getting myself to do anything to prepare because after a year of being pregnant it feels like the end will never be in sight. So anyways, your father dragged me kicking and screaming (well not kicking and screaming, more like moaning and bitching) to birthing class last night. It was certainly interesting...I think it was more helpful for your dad than it was for me. The instructor went through how to time contractions, the stages of labor and a few different relaxation techniques that our coaches can help us with. When I was in labor with you your poor dad didn't know what to do lol. He kept trying to get me to play games on his iphone and kept asking the nurse if they could give me anything for the pain which they couldn't and I didn't want. It was hard sitting there as the instructor described the first stages of labor because I remember what it felt like. By the time my doctor came to get me for the D&E I had been in full blown back labor for hours without meds, yes it hurt, my back was throbbing so badly I thought I was going to throw up, my ankles ached and I'd go from sweating to shaking but because I was in pre-op I wasn't allowed to get out of the recliner. I honestly think it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had known what was going on in my body and if I had been allowed to get out of the damn chair. My body knew what it needed, I needed to be on all fours. Your daddy wants me to get an epidural this time around, he is not convinced that being in labor with you was as painful as birthing your little sister will be. I'm at least going to try to go med free. Alright, I'm off to run errands and then teach Shakespeare up in Baltimore. I love you little one, please watch over your little sister.
Love always,
Fish
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