A Year Without You

Dear Minnow,
       Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I lost you. I guess in a way that makes it your birthday. I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. I had been fearing January 19th all month, planning what I would do in your memory, trying to prepare for what it would feel like and writing and rewriting a letter to you in my head. Yesterday did not go as planned and all in all I think it was probably for the best. I just wanted to spend the day in bed with the covers over my head but the truth is that the world does not stand still for grieving mothers, the rest of the world keeps going. Your little sister has her first cold, so I spent the day trying to calm her down and get her to nap. Your dad and I talked about you that morning and he held me while I cried. So much has happened in this year, you have changed me little one. I will never be the same and I am still grateful for every moment I had with you. I used to think that loosing you broke me, and maybe it did but over the past year the pieces have come back together, not in the same places but together none the less. I am not the same person I was a year ago or two years ago but I feel whole again. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met along this journey. You have brought some pretty amazing people into my life baby girl including your little sister. A dear friend and fellow baby loss mama sent me this on your birthday, another mom had sent it to her for her daughters birthday so from baby loss mama to baby loss mama to baby who was lost I share this with you:

In one of the stars

I shall be living

In one of them

I shall be laughing

And so it will be

As if all the stars

Were laughing

When you look

At the sky at night

And there is sweetness

In the laughter of all the stars…

And in the memories of those you love.

it is from The Little Prince. I read it way back in grade school as part of summer reading and then in college I read the play version for my theatre for young audiences class. What a beautiful thought that you are up there looking down happily laughing. So last night your sister, father and I climbed into bed together and turned on the starlight lady bug nightlight your sister was given and stared up at the stars as they danced around our room and I thought of you. Your sister loved it and now she keeps looking up at the ceiling searching for the stars. I like to think she sees you in them, I know I do. Happy birthday Brennan Esther, mama loves you more than words.
              Love always,
                    Fish

Happy Tired

Dear Minnow,
         Hi little one. You have been on my mind a lot lately. Your daddy and I still say goodnight to you every night before bed, I know your here watching over your little sister. It's hard to believe the guppy is three weeks old today! It honestly feels so natural as if she was here all along. Yes motherhood is difficult at time, breast feeding was a huge challenge the first week (I think we finally have it down), diaper changes seem to be target practice for the guppy and 2 hours of continuous sleep is heaven but all in all I have never been so happy in my life. I love being a mommy. There is one thing that has been worrying me though,your birthday/angel anniversary is coming up on the 19th. Your father and I haven't decided what we are going to do that day but we know we want to do something special for you. I think the part that I am dreading the most is the fact that the 19th is also one of your cousin's birthday and the in-laws have already started talking about throwing her a birthday dinner that night and as she will be heading back to college soon after I know we will need to go and bring Maura Grace. I'm just not sure if I can fake a smile through it. Your father's family isn't like mine, their wonderful but your daddy puts it this way, my family is a huggy family we say I love you before hanging up the phone, we hug, I still climb into bed with my mom and snuggle when I go home to visit, your dad's family on the other hand with the exception of grandma and grandad don't even hug. Your daddy and I decided that we (your sister, dad and I) will be a huggy family. So in all honesty I know it will be hard to be around his family on your birthday. I love you so much my minnow. I'd better grab some lunch while your sister is napping. I miss you everyday.
                          Love always,
                           Mama

Guppy and I

Guppy at 3 weeks

1st Week

Dear Minnow,
        I promise I will write you soon. I keep meaning to write your little sister's birth story but she keeps me pretty busy these days and I am loving every minute of it! She is currently asleep on daddy's chest. Today was my first solo day with her and I am happy to say it was a success. Guppy was up all night being gassy and your daddy had to work in NJ this morning so I was up by myself all night, I finally got to fufill my dream of rocking my baby to sleep in that glider and singing all of the lullabies to her that I sang to you when you were in my belly. Your little sister is just like your daddy, she prefers to stay up late and then sleep until noon with little food breaks in between. Thankfully that meant I got to sleep late this morning too. Her belly button stump fell off last night so today I put her in her first cloth diaper :-). It gives her the cutest little bubble butt lol. Today was a great day. I know your here with us baby girl. Know that we love you always.
                                                 Love,
                                                Fish

The Rainbow Connection

Dear Minnow,
           On December 21, 2011 at 5:48pm your little sister Maura Grace (aka guppy) entered the world safe and sound, all 8lbs 3oz, 20 inches of her. :-). I couldn't be happier or more grateful to God. I could feel you there with us little one. I love you always and forever so does daddy and guppy.
                                        Love,
                                     Mommy

Occupy Fish

Dear Minnow,

           Your little sister is still hanging in there. She is a stubborn little one, she must get it from her Portuguese side. Your auntie Kai has started calling this Occupy Fish instead of baby watch. I'm being induced on Wednesday, December 21st, 2011...I realized yesterday that I was induced with you on a Wednesday, Wednesday, January 19th, 2011. I keep praying your sister will come on her own so that the doctors won't have to give me pitocin like I had for you but she just doesn't want to budge. I'm honestly a little scared about being induced on a Wednesday since I lost you on a Wednesday. I know that is silly of me and I'm trying to push it out of my mind but I'm still scared something will go wrong and I'll loose guppy too. I miss you little one. Your Brennan bear from Molly Bears came this week! It is so cute and even has little seashell buttons. I am going to bring her to the hospital with me on Wednesday so you will be there in spirit with us. I really wish your little sister would come on her own but I have tried everything, evening prime rose oil, raspberry tea, walking, acupuncture, I'll just have to get over my fear of pitocin. I miss you minnow. I promise to post pictures of your molly bear soon. Here is a pic of the wreath I made today and one of mommy's huge belly from this week. We love you always Brennan, please keep your little sister safe.
                          Love always,
                            Fish

38 weeks and some odd days with Guppy

Figured I'd put the extra Christmas tree branches to good use

14 months

Dear Minnow,
         It has been an interesting week baby girl. The week started out with the entire family including some of your daddy's NY cousins going to brunch at the officer's club to celebrate your great granddad's 80th birthday. It was such a lovely day! On top of brunch being a delicious start to the holiday season, we walked into the club and there was a children's madrigal choir singing in the lobby. I couldn't see the kid's faces but asked someone what school they were from. Low and behold they were from the middle school I taught theatre at last year! I was so great to see the choir teacher, who even brought the kids over to sing happy birthday for granddad and to get hugs from a few of my old students :-). The day ended with a nice nap and then yoga class at the thrift store which really helped release some of my stress. I was really hoping the evening prime rose oil would work some magic on my cervix this week and bring your little sister closer to being born but there was no change at my 37 week check up Tuesday. That made me pretty bummed but thankfully it was also SPALS night (subsequent pregnancy after a loss support group). I love SPALS, I don't know how I would have stayed sane or gotten through this pregnancy without their support. I thank God everyday for bringing these amazing women into my life! I'm trying to let go of the last of my worries and come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be induced on the 21st. I just pray that God will continue to keep your little sister safe. I was thinking today, I have officially been pregnant for 14 out of the last 16 months....that is a freaking long time to be pregnant! I started making a mental list today of signs I've been pregnant for to long so I included what I've come up with so far. I miss you tons little one but I know your right here with us. I love you always.
                             Love,
                               Fish

You Know You've Been Pregnant For To Long When:
1) Your maternity jeans have started to wear through in the thighs from wearing them so much.
2) You no longer remember what real jeans feel like...or if you even still own a pair of non maternity jeans.
3) Getting up every few hours for feedings will be a welcome vacation from getting up to pee every 30 mins.
4) You don't own two bras that are the same size ( I went from an A to a D and now my cup runneth over)
5) Remember when you could wear heels?....I don't.
6) You've had to run to payless on the way to an event because your feet were too swollen to fit in your shoes.
7) Breathing out of your nose is a luxury...scratch that breathing these days has become a luxury guppy loves my ribcage. 
8) Your stomach moving on it's own has become the norm to you.
9) You out weigh your husband.
10)Alcohol.....what's that?

37 weeks with little sister Guppy

Decemeber

Dear Minnow,
        It is officially December baby girl. I usually love everything to do with Christmas, when I was a kid my mom used to let us invite our friends over to decorate the house and tree. She would put sugar cookies in the oven and play our favorite tape of Christmas carol spoofs (The 12 things at Christmas that are such a pain to me, Grandma got run over by a reindeer ext) and we would all laugh and laugh and as we put together our fake Christmas tree and fight over who would hide baby Jesus (we hide him until Christmas eve then place him in the manger). Christmas' with my in-laws are just as joyous although much much louder :-) and every year since your daddy and I were first dating I would look forward to being thrown in the loud mix of 20 something cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings preparing Christmas ever dinner and tearing apparent presents. But last year I spent the holiday feeling so lost and alone on the inside and having to fake a smile and get through the family celebration while everyone turned a blind eye to my baby bump. I had the CVS and Amniocentesis last December and your daddy and I spent the holiday praying for some shred of good news. I remember sitting in church and crying, Christmas is about celebrating birth, the birth of our Lord, and there I was knowing deep inside that you were never going to celebrate a Christmas with us and wondering why I wasn't being allowing to carry a healthy child, why my child? Your dad and I talked a lot about this the other day on our way home from our 36 week check up for your little sister. You changed us baby girl, your daddy and I will never be the same people we were before we lost you, before I carried you, but we've realized that you changed us for the better. We love deeper, we appreciate life more, you showed me who I want to have a part in my life and not to waste this precious life surrounded by negative energy or sending out negative energy. You've helped me form connections to such amazing people and you've shown me the type of mother I want to be. I pray I will get a chance to be that type of mother to your little sister. We had our 36 week check up and met our doula this week. The doula is so nice and compassionate and really seemed to hit it off with us and Resa. Your sister has dropped and engaged which is great but my cervix is still hard and only 1cm dilated so we are starting to try natural ways of getting the cervix to soften, we are truly hoping that your little sister will come on her own before the 21st so that we do not have to use medication to induce. I just want her here safe and alive. Please watch over her Brennan. This weekend we will put up the tree and go to brunch for your great grandpa's 80th birthday. The house will be filled with relatives and Christmas music and I am going to try to be hopeful. I am going to try to soak it in and enjoy it and pray that by the time Christmas Eve comes I will holding your little sister in my arms. I love you with all my heart my little minnow and I miss you every second of every day and despite all of the pain, I thank God for making me your mother.
                                           Love always,
                                           Fish
PS. Almost a year ago I put our name on a waitlist for a Molly Bear, it's an organization that makes teddy bears for angel mommys so they will have something to hold in their arms when they can't hold their babies. I think it is such an amazing organization and especially right after I lost you all I wanted was to feel your weight in my arms. They had a fundraiser the other day where if you were one of the first to donate they would send you your bear by Christmas and we were one of the first to donate! I am so excited to see your bear, it is going to be a gift from you to your little sister so you will always be with her. :-)