Dear Minnow,
Mommy has been soo tired lately! School ended with quite a bang and just as quickly drama camp began. This is the first week I haven't been able to take a quick nap after lunch and it is already catching up to me. I have been so worried this week little one. I thought it was hard when friends had their babies while I was loosing you, I never imagined it would be just as difficult when a friend went through a loss while I am pregnant. I feel like my hope has been shaken. I wanted to believe that God wouldn't let any of us go through that again. I pray that God will keep my guppy safe, your little brother or sister. I am so scared little one. I am so tired, I promise I will write more soon. I love you my minnow with all my heart and I miss you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Missing
Dear Minnow,
I have been thinking about you so much lately baby girl. I find myself hoping that this new baby will be a boy. I think it will be harder if the guppy is a girl, I know I will keep wondering if you would have looked like her or acted like her. Sometimes it feels like the day I lost you, the pain of missing you will hit me without warning and it is like loosing you all over again. Other times it feels like January was years ago and that life has settled into a different kind of peace, the peace of knowing you are in a better place. And yet, there is always the dull ache in my arms and heart from constantly missing you. School is coming to and end baby girl and the kids are beyond restless! The school has been a mad house for the last week with the 8th graders getting ready to graduate. I was happy to finish up grading the kids projects today but packing up my classroom has been bittersweet. It has been a crazy year but I had such a wonderful time teaching my little drama babies. I had my final review today from my administrator and got wonderful marks and feedback on everything! It was so nice to finally be recognized for all of the work I have put into creating the program from scratch. I love you baby girl with all my heart. Please watch over your little brother or sister. I find myself in a constant state of worry over this little one. I love you my minnow.
Love,
Fish
I have been thinking about you so much lately baby girl. I find myself hoping that this new baby will be a boy. I think it will be harder if the guppy is a girl, I know I will keep wondering if you would have looked like her or acted like her. Sometimes it feels like the day I lost you, the pain of missing you will hit me without warning and it is like loosing you all over again. Other times it feels like January was years ago and that life has settled into a different kind of peace, the peace of knowing you are in a better place. And yet, there is always the dull ache in my arms and heart from constantly missing you. School is coming to and end baby girl and the kids are beyond restless! The school has been a mad house for the last week with the 8th graders getting ready to graduate. I was happy to finish up grading the kids projects today but packing up my classroom has been bittersweet. It has been a crazy year but I had such a wonderful time teaching my little drama babies. I had my final review today from my administrator and got wonderful marks and feedback on everything! It was so nice to finally be recognized for all of the work I have put into creating the program from scratch. I love you baby girl with all my heart. Please watch over your little brother or sister. I find myself in a constant state of worry over this little one. I love you my minnow.
Love,
Fish
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
After Every Storm....
Dear Minnow,
I am so sorry for not writting lately. As usual things have been very busy and there are so many changes on the horizon for our little family. I can finally say it on here, although your daddy does not want to do the whole facebook annoucement until July but your going to be a big sister Brennan! I am 12 weeks along with a little rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with you baby girl. I thought I had bad morning sickness with you minnow but this little one seems to be reeking havoc on my belly! I guess it is in part because this little one started out as two little ones. I started bleeding at 5 or 6 weeks but the doctors couldn't figure out why since the baby appeared to be doing fine. Then at 8 weeks Resa my wonderful midwife was able to see an empty sac hidden behind the baby. The doctors keep telling me that 80% of twins "vanish" or don't develope in early pregnancy but I still feel bad that another sibling has joined you in heaven even if I didn't know it was there. We had our end of the first trimester scan last night with Dr. Stern, mommy was so nervous and as I laid there all the memories of your first trimester scan came floading back, how you barely moved and how your poor little jaw was practically not there. That scan was the begining of the end. I cried so hard and could hardly breath as Dr. Stern prepped my belly, but thank the Lord, what we saw on the screen was your little sibling rolling around, kicking his or her feet. And of course Dr. Stern paid extra close attention to the chin, and there it was, a perfectly normal sized chin! I wish you could be here baby girl. I wish you were here with us and able to grow up here with your little brother or sister. Please watch over your sibling my minnow. We have been calling this baby guppy.
I miss you Brennan, and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise there is plenty of room in there for both or I guess all three of my little ones. Oh I finished your blanket! Your auntie Gina is just adding the edging she even embroidered your name and birthday on it :-). I haven't decided if I am going to start one for the guppy. I have to be honest, it has been hard for me to connect with this baby. It just seems too good to be true, I keep expecting this baby to be taken away from me the way you were taken away. I love your my minnow. I will always, always love you!!
Love always,
Mommy
I am so sorry for not writting lately. As usual things have been very busy and there are so many changes on the horizon for our little family. I can finally say it on here, although your daddy does not want to do the whole facebook annoucement until July but your going to be a big sister Brennan! I am 12 weeks along with a little rainbow baby, a rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with you baby girl. I thought I had bad morning sickness with you minnow but this little one seems to be reeking havoc on my belly! I guess it is in part because this little one started out as two little ones. I started bleeding at 5 or 6 weeks but the doctors couldn't figure out why since the baby appeared to be doing fine. Then at 8 weeks Resa my wonderful midwife was able to see an empty sac hidden behind the baby. The doctors keep telling me that 80% of twins "vanish" or don't develope in early pregnancy but I still feel bad that another sibling has joined you in heaven even if I didn't know it was there. We had our end of the first trimester scan last night with Dr. Stern, mommy was so nervous and as I laid there all the memories of your first trimester scan came floading back, how you barely moved and how your poor little jaw was practically not there. That scan was the begining of the end. I cried so hard and could hardly breath as Dr. Stern prepped my belly, but thank the Lord, what we saw on the screen was your little sibling rolling around, kicking his or her feet. And of course Dr. Stern paid extra close attention to the chin, and there it was, a perfectly normal sized chin! I wish you could be here baby girl. I wish you were here with us and able to grow up here with your little brother or sister. Please watch over your sibling my minnow. We have been calling this baby guppy.
I miss you Brennan, and no one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise there is plenty of room in there for both or I guess all three of my little ones. Oh I finished your blanket! Your auntie Gina is just adding the edging she even embroidered your name and birthday on it :-). I haven't decided if I am going to start one for the guppy. I have to be honest, it has been hard for me to connect with this baby. It just seems too good to be true, I keep expecting this baby to be taken away from me the way you were taken away. I love your my minnow. I will always, always love you!!
Love always,
Mommy
Friday, June 3, 2011
Due Date
Dear Minnow,
Today I am supposed to hold you in my arms. Today I am supposed to see what color your hair is and if you have your daddy's eyes. Today I am supposed to meet you, but God had a different plan. Today it has been four months, two weeks and one day since we said goodbye. I know it wasn't God's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, your poor body was just broken from the start. I know you are in a better place now my little one. Loosing you has taught me so much. It taught me to love deeper. It showed me who disappears when things get ugly and who jumps on the first plane to keep me company while I am on bed rest or lies to the nurses just so they can hold my hand during the hardest moments of my life. It brought your daddy and I closer together minnow. Tragedy can either tear a couple apart or it can melt them together like the burn of saudering iron. Loosing you tried my faith in God. I was lost for a while but God never left my side, I see that now. I never thought I would survive loosing you Brennan. There are still times in my darkest hours when hope is hard to find but I know you want me to keep going. Send me hope baby girl. So today is really just another day without you, I am living without my daughter. I will never be the same, a part of me will always be missing but minnow, I would not have given up one moment I spent with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my daughter, my first born, my minnow and no one will ever replace you.
Love always,
Your Mommy
Today I am supposed to hold you in my arms. Today I am supposed to see what color your hair is and if you have your daddy's eyes. Today I am supposed to meet you, but God had a different plan. Today it has been four months, two weeks and one day since we said goodbye. I know it wasn't God's fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, your poor body was just broken from the start. I know you are in a better place now my little one. Loosing you has taught me so much. It taught me to love deeper. It showed me who disappears when things get ugly and who jumps on the first plane to keep me company while I am on bed rest or lies to the nurses just so they can hold my hand during the hardest moments of my life. It brought your daddy and I closer together minnow. Tragedy can either tear a couple apart or it can melt them together like the burn of saudering iron. Loosing you tried my faith in God. I was lost for a while but God never left my side, I see that now. I never thought I would survive loosing you Brennan. There are still times in my darkest hours when hope is hard to find but I know you want me to keep going. Send me hope baby girl. So today is really just another day without you, I am living without my daughter. I will never be the same, a part of me will always be missing but minnow, I would not have given up one moment I spent with you. I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You are my daughter, my first born, my minnow and no one will ever replace you.
Love always,
Your Mommy
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Blankets
Dear Minnow,
Things have been so busy here baby girl. I am happy that the school year is winding to an end but there is so much planning to do before camp begins! This week I am on a mission to finish your baby blanket before what would have been your due date which is this Friday. I am trying to think of it as a bonding and letting go expirience, I hope someday I will be able to give this blanket to your little brother or sister as a gift from you. I promise to tell them all about you and how you are still very much a part of our family. I am falling behind on the blanket though, I meant to take it up to the lodge with me over Memorial Day weekend but your Daddy forgot my entire suitcase at home!! It was pretty funny, I managed to pick up a few essentials at Walmart but had to go the whole weekend with only one shirt and a pair of oversized shorts! Your Dad and I still managed to have a wonderful time. It was a beautiful weekend. I really wish you could have seen the lodge little one. Your Daddy and I had our wedding there. It is right on a beautiful lake and every evening we take a boat ride with the family. I miss you so much my minnow. Know that nothing could every replace you. Mommy loves you with all her heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Things have been so busy here baby girl. I am happy that the school year is winding to an end but there is so much planning to do before camp begins! This week I am on a mission to finish your baby blanket before what would have been your due date which is this Friday. I am trying to think of it as a bonding and letting go expirience, I hope someday I will be able to give this blanket to your little brother or sister as a gift from you. I promise to tell them all about you and how you are still very much a part of our family. I am falling behind on the blanket though, I meant to take it up to the lodge with me over Memorial Day weekend but your Daddy forgot my entire suitcase at home!! It was pretty funny, I managed to pick up a few essentials at Walmart but had to go the whole weekend with only one shirt and a pair of oversized shorts! Your Dad and I still managed to have a wonderful time. It was a beautiful weekend. I really wish you could have seen the lodge little one. Your Daddy and I had our wedding there. It is right on a beautiful lake and every evening we take a boat ride with the family. I miss you so much my minnow. Know that nothing could every replace you. Mommy loves you with all her heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Mother's Day
Dear Minnow,
When I was growing up we used to bring my mom breakfast in bed every Mother's day. We would make her eggs, pancakes and cereal and serve it on tv tray along with wild flowers we had picked and whatever craft we had managed to make for her (a popcicle stick picture frame, pressed flower bookmark ext.). And every year your Papa would give her a bottle of her favorite perfume, Charlie. I knew this Mother's day would be hard. This was my first Mother's day as a mother. I obviously didn't expect the same treatment as my own mother, after all I have no children here on earth, but I guess I just never expected someone to question my motherhood for that reason. Your daddy did everything he could to make the day special for me, he gave me a sweet card and a gift certificate to get a mani-pedi. Everything was okay until dinner when someone told me that you my little one were just the hope of a child and not an actual person. I was so hurt and angry. How could anyone say that? I know that I am the only one who truly knew you, I carried you for 21 weeks, I knew you Brennan. How could they say you were not a person though? You had fingers and toes, if you had survived for two more weeks they would have induced me. It hurt so badly to have a family member not recognize your little life. You will always be our first born, my mother's first grandchild, you will always be a member of our family baby girl. Your daddy and I will love you forever and no matter what anyone thinks I am and will always be your mother. I love you my minnow.
Love always,
Fish
When I was growing up we used to bring my mom breakfast in bed every Mother's day. We would make her eggs, pancakes and cereal and serve it on tv tray along with wild flowers we had picked and whatever craft we had managed to make for her (a popcicle stick picture frame, pressed flower bookmark ext.). And every year your Papa would give her a bottle of her favorite perfume, Charlie. I knew this Mother's day would be hard. This was my first Mother's day as a mother. I obviously didn't expect the same treatment as my own mother, after all I have no children here on earth, but I guess I just never expected someone to question my motherhood for that reason. Your daddy did everything he could to make the day special for me, he gave me a sweet card and a gift certificate to get a mani-pedi. Everything was okay until dinner when someone told me that you my little one were just the hope of a child and not an actual person. I was so hurt and angry. How could anyone say that? I know that I am the only one who truly knew you, I carried you for 21 weeks, I knew you Brennan. How could they say you were not a person though? You had fingers and toes, if you had survived for two more weeks they would have induced me. It hurt so badly to have a family member not recognize your little life. You will always be our first born, my mother's first grandchild, you will always be a member of our family baby girl. Your daddy and I will love you forever and no matter what anyone thinks I am and will always be your mother. I love you my minnow.
Love always,
Fish
Sunday, May 1, 2011
International Baby Loss Mother's Day
Dear Minnow,
Hi baby girl. I am so sorry haven't written you in a while, the last of the shows I have been working on went up this weekend so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have never had so much fun directing a show before though. I have was very lucky to have such a wonderful and hard working cast! I am however relieved that things have calmed down, just in time for international baby loss mother's day which is today. I've been thinking about you all day today little one and I know that your watching over us. Your daddy and I had a nice relaxing day. We slept in late then ran errands together. I got a much needed haircut (just a nice trim with some cute new side swept bangs) and your daddy bought lots of junk at target lol. Whenever I take your daddy shopping with me we always come home with stuff I never even knew we needed :-). Your auntie Kai and uncle Ian are coming to visit pretty soon! We are all walking in your memory for The March of Dimes. I'm not sure why the ticker at the top of my blog won't link up to my account, it says no one has sponsored me when I have actually exceeded my goal lol. We have some pretty amazing friends who made donation in your memory baby girl. I love you with all my heart my little minnow. I will always be your mommy.
Love always,
Fish
Hi baby girl. I am so sorry haven't written you in a while, the last of the shows I have been working on went up this weekend so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have never had so much fun directing a show before though. I have was very lucky to have such a wonderful and hard working cast! I am however relieved that things have calmed down, just in time for international baby loss mother's day which is today. I've been thinking about you all day today little one and I know that your watching over us. Your daddy and I had a nice relaxing day. We slept in late then ran errands together. I got a much needed haircut (just a nice trim with some cute new side swept bangs) and your daddy bought lots of junk at target lol. Whenever I take your daddy shopping with me we always come home with stuff I never even knew we needed :-). Your auntie Kai and uncle Ian are coming to visit pretty soon! We are all walking in your memory for The March of Dimes. I'm not sure why the ticker at the top of my blog won't link up to my account, it says no one has sponsored me when I have actually exceeded my goal lol. We have some pretty amazing friends who made donation in your memory baby girl. I love you with all my heart my little minnow. I will always be your mommy.
Love always,
Fish
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