Dear Minnow,
When I was growing up we used to bring my mom breakfast in bed every Mother's day. We would make her eggs, pancakes and cereal and serve it on tv tray along with wild flowers we had picked and whatever craft we had managed to make for her (a popcicle stick picture frame, pressed flower bookmark ext.). And every year your Papa would give her a bottle of her favorite perfume, Charlie. I knew this Mother's day would be hard. This was my first Mother's day as a mother. I obviously didn't expect the same treatment as my own mother, after all I have no children here on earth, but I guess I just never expected someone to question my motherhood for that reason. Your daddy did everything he could to make the day special for me, he gave me a sweet card and a gift certificate to get a mani-pedi. Everything was okay until dinner when someone told me that you my little one were just the hope of a child and not an actual person. I was so hurt and angry. How could anyone say that? I know that I am the only one who truly knew you, I carried you for 21 weeks, I knew you Brennan. How could they say you were not a person though? You had fingers and toes, if you had survived for two more weeks they would have induced me. It hurt so badly to have a family member not recognize your little life. You will always be our first born, my mother's first grandchild, you will always be a member of our family baby girl. Your daddy and I will love you forever and no matter what anyone thinks I am and will always be your mother. I love you my minnow.
Love always,
Fish
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
International Baby Loss Mother's Day
Dear Minnow,
Hi baby girl. I am so sorry haven't written you in a while, the last of the shows I have been working on went up this weekend so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have never had so much fun directing a show before though. I have was very lucky to have such a wonderful and hard working cast! I am however relieved that things have calmed down, just in time for international baby loss mother's day which is today. I've been thinking about you all day today little one and I know that your watching over us. Your daddy and I had a nice relaxing day. We slept in late then ran errands together. I got a much needed haircut (just a nice trim with some cute new side swept bangs) and your daddy bought lots of junk at target lol. Whenever I take your daddy shopping with me we always come home with stuff I never even knew we needed :-). Your auntie Kai and uncle Ian are coming to visit pretty soon! We are all walking in your memory for The March of Dimes. I'm not sure why the ticker at the top of my blog won't link up to my account, it says no one has sponsored me when I have actually exceeded my goal lol. We have some pretty amazing friends who made donation in your memory baby girl. I love you with all my heart my little minnow. I will always be your mommy.
Love always,
Fish
Hi baby girl. I am so sorry haven't written you in a while, the last of the shows I have been working on went up this weekend so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have never had so much fun directing a show before though. I have was very lucky to have such a wonderful and hard working cast! I am however relieved that things have calmed down, just in time for international baby loss mother's day which is today. I've been thinking about you all day today little one and I know that your watching over us. Your daddy and I had a nice relaxing day. We slept in late then ran errands together. I got a much needed haircut (just a nice trim with some cute new side swept bangs) and your daddy bought lots of junk at target lol. Whenever I take your daddy shopping with me we always come home with stuff I never even knew we needed :-). Your auntie Kai and uncle Ian are coming to visit pretty soon! We are all walking in your memory for The March of Dimes. I'm not sure why the ticker at the top of my blog won't link up to my account, it says no one has sponsored me when I have actually exceeded my goal lol. We have some pretty amazing friends who made donation in your memory baby girl. I love you with all my heart my little minnow. I will always be your mommy.
Love always,
Fish
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Fear
Dear Minnow,
Today was a hard day little one. I went to the doctors for a check up and ended up having a really horrible anxiety attack or whatever you call it when your ptsd kicks in full force. I kept seeing myself there in that office scheduling appointments for you. I lost it minnow. The poor receptionist must think I am crazy. It took all of my strength not to run out. Thank God for our wonderful midwife Resa, as soon as she saw me she just knew and hugged me and talked me down. I am so grateful to have her in my life and as my doctor. I really wish she could have been the one to deliver you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you baby girl. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Today was a hard day little one. I went to the doctors for a check up and ended up having a really horrible anxiety attack or whatever you call it when your ptsd kicks in full force. I kept seeing myself there in that office scheduling appointments for you. I lost it minnow. The poor receptionist must think I am crazy. It took all of my strength not to run out. Thank God for our wonderful midwife Resa, as soon as she saw me she just knew and hugged me and talked me down. I am so grateful to have her in my life and as my doctor. I really wish she could have been the one to deliver you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you baby girl. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Checking in
Dear Minnow,
Hi little one, guess what, it's spring break!! It could not have come at a better time! This past week I have been insanely busy, well actually this month has been insanely busy! Directing three plays that all open in the same month was not the brightest idea but it certainly has kept me busy and happy. I feel so much better when I am in the theatre directing. It helps to know that although I did not get the chance to teach you or make an impact on your life that maybe I am making a difference in these kids lives. I love you baby girl! I promise I will post sometime tomorrow, I have a few pictures from the cherry blossom festival I will post. I love you with all my heart my little minnow!
Love always,
Mommy
Hi little one, guess what, it's spring break!! It could not have come at a better time! This past week I have been insanely busy, well actually this month has been insanely busy! Directing three plays that all open in the same month was not the brightest idea but it certainly has kept me busy and happy. I feel so much better when I am in the theatre directing. It helps to know that although I did not get the chance to teach you or make an impact on your life that maybe I am making a difference in these kids lives. I love you baby girl! I promise I will post sometime tomorrow, I have a few pictures from the cherry blossom festival I will post. I love you with all my heart my little minnow!
Love always,
Mommy
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Of Course...
Dear Minnow,
A song about heaven came on the radio and the flood gates opened again. Fucking country music station. My whole body longs to hold you little one. It is a pain so deep only other mothers of angels know. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
A song about heaven came on the radio and the flood gates opened again. Fucking country music station. My whole body longs to hold you little one. It is a pain so deep only other mothers of angels know. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Healing Moments
Dear Minnow,
I know it has been a while since my last post but I promise you I have written a thousand in my head during the last week. Life has been busy but it has also been good. Remember how I told you about my new student helper who shares your name? I was so scared at first, how could I ever bond with a Brennan that wasn't MY Brennan, one that wasn't you little one? I have always thought of my students as my kids and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with this one because of everything that name means to me. I thought just hearing your name everyday minnow would make me even more sad about loosing you, but something I never expected happened. It ended up being such a healing experience. God knew I needed a Brennan in my life, and since I couldn't have you here with me little one he sent me another. He is everything I dreamed you'd be and honestly, teaching him and sharing my love of theatre with him makes me feel like I am teaching you. I can't help but laugh at how bizarre and mysterious God's ways are, but I finally feel the healing and comfort that I have been waiting for these long months since my world turned upside down. I never thought I would find healing here. Your daddy and I are trying for another baby minnow. I had a dream last night that you had a sister. She was chubby and had one tooth, you were there too little one but you were older and almost floating behind her smiling as she cooed and giggled. I feel ready to start another pregnancy journey. I pray we do not have to wait long to begin. I love you my little minnow and I miss you everyday. Good things are happening baby girl, I feel like life is returning to me.
Love always and forever,
Fish
I know it has been a while since my last post but I promise you I have written a thousand in my head during the last week. Life has been busy but it has also been good. Remember how I told you about my new student helper who shares your name? I was so scared at first, how could I ever bond with a Brennan that wasn't MY Brennan, one that wasn't you little one? I have always thought of my students as my kids and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with this one because of everything that name means to me. I thought just hearing your name everyday minnow would make me even more sad about loosing you, but something I never expected happened. It ended up being such a healing experience. God knew I needed a Brennan in my life, and since I couldn't have you here with me little one he sent me another. He is everything I dreamed you'd be and honestly, teaching him and sharing my love of theatre with him makes me feel like I am teaching you. I can't help but laugh at how bizarre and mysterious God's ways are, but I finally feel the healing and comfort that I have been waiting for these long months since my world turned upside down. I never thought I would find healing here. Your daddy and I are trying for another baby minnow. I had a dream last night that you had a sister. She was chubby and had one tooth, you were there too little one but you were older and almost floating behind her smiling as she cooed and giggled. I feel ready to start another pregnancy journey. I pray we do not have to wait long to begin. I love you my little minnow and I miss you everyday. Good things are happening baby girl, I feel like life is returning to me.
Love always and forever,
Fish
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