Dear Minnow,
Hi my little one. It has been months and months since I last wrote you, I'm sorry for that. Life has a way of sweeping us off our feet and getting us lost in the tide. There are a lot of changes happening at the moment. At the end of the month your little sister is having surgery to correct her lazy eye. It's a very quick procedure but of course I cannot help but worry. The very next day I start my new job as the drama teach at a school for kids with learning differences. I am excited for the new challenge and to be back in the classroom but also sad that I will no longer be spending 24/7 with the guppy. I have honestly loved being home with her, I am so thankful to have witnessed every single milestone from rolling over to her first steps and words, not a lot of mother's get that these days. She has turned into an amazing little girl. She is cuddly and compassionate and will do anything to make people laugh. She definitely has my imagination and is always making up songs and stories. I am so blessed to have her. I think of you every day my minnow, you are always by my side. So many many changes my love. It's scary to have everything so up in the air but if you've taught me anything it's that God's plan is much larger than we can see. Mama loves you Brennan with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
Guppy Turns 2
Dear minnow,
Oh how this year has flown by. Your always in my thoughts little one and everyday I wish you could be here with us. Your little sister turns two tomorrow! She is such a sweet little cuddle monster with a huge personality! She is talking up a storm now and loves to sing and dance around the house. She loves to be the center of attention and gives kisses and hugs to everyone. I am truly so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few pictures of her. I miss you so much my Brennan, mama love you always and forever.
Love,
Fish
Oh how this year has flown by. Your always in my thoughts little one and everyday I wish you could be here with us. Your little sister turns two tomorrow! She is such a sweet little cuddle monster with a huge personality! She is talking up a storm now and loves to sing and dance around the house. She loves to be the center of attention and gives kisses and hugs to everyone. I am truly so blessed to have her here with us. Here are a few pictures of her. I miss you so much my Brennan, mama love you always and forever.
Love,
Fish
Friday, October 19, 2012
Sleepless Nights
Dear Minnow,
Hi my little one. I know it has been so long since I last wrote but I promise you are always on my mind especially lately. October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, I light a candle for you and sat in the living room with your little sister in my lap and watched it flicker and glow. The poor guppy has been sick all week it's just a cold but I still can't help but worry. She has been up most of the night each night this week, it's currently 4:26 a.m and after sneezing and coughing herself awake and a temperature check we are down in the living room. Little miss guppy has a hard time getting back to sleep if she fully wakes up in the middle of the night and between the thermometer and a very worried Wrigley sneaking into the nursery to lick her face it is safe to say the guppy is wide awake. I have found there is only one way to get her back to sleep in cases like this, let her play or watch Sesame Street until she starts to rub her eyes then redo her bedtime ritual (diaper change, nurse, rocking and snuggling). If anyone else kept me up until 4 in the morning I would be furious, yet here I sit in awe of my little rainbow standing in front of me "talking" to Elmo. I never knew I could feel so much love. She is walking, can you believe it? Where has the time gone my minnow? Life is good little one, I am truly blessed. I love you my sweet Brennan.
Love always,
Fish
Hi my little one. I know it has been so long since I last wrote but I promise you are always on my mind especially lately. October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, I light a candle for you and sat in the living room with your little sister in my lap and watched it flicker and glow. The poor guppy has been sick all week it's just a cold but I still can't help but worry. She has been up most of the night each night this week, it's currently 4:26 a.m and after sneezing and coughing herself awake and a temperature check we are down in the living room. Little miss guppy has a hard time getting back to sleep if she fully wakes up in the middle of the night and between the thermometer and a very worried Wrigley sneaking into the nursery to lick her face it is safe to say the guppy is wide awake. I have found there is only one way to get her back to sleep in cases like this, let her play or watch Sesame Street until she starts to rub her eyes then redo her bedtime ritual (diaper change, nurse, rocking and snuggling). If anyone else kept me up until 4 in the morning I would be furious, yet here I sit in awe of my little rainbow standing in front of me "talking" to Elmo. I never knew I could feel so much love. She is walking, can you believe it? Where has the time gone my minnow? Life is good little one, I am truly blessed. I love you my sweet Brennan.
Love always,
Fish
Sunday, July 22, 2012
7 months already?
Dear Minnow,
I know it has been a long time since mama wrote to you. I'm sorry little one, time gets away from me these days, I can't believe how fast it flies by. It has been a year and a half since you left us and just over half a year since your little sister joined us. She is so big already! Yesterday she crawled for the first time, she has been trying so hard the past few weeks and finally managed to get it right. Today she seems to have decided that she can get around faster doing this part twirl part moving downward facing dog thing lol. She is such a sweet girl Brennan. Everyday I look at her and am just bursting with thankfulness and happiness, even on the rough days when she refuses to nap (she hates to nap, even as a newborn she was always afraid she would miss something if she slept when I wasn't sleeping). Life has become a wonderful whirl wind of sleepless nights, baby giggles and never ending laundry. I can't help but look into her big blue gray eyes and wonder if yours were the same color. Would you have had her chubby cheeks too? I know God had his reasons for taking you and although I will never understand them, I finally feel at peace with it. Your daddy and I joke that Maura Grace is so easy going and sweet because God wanted to make it up to us. The guppy is beginning to stir, I'll try to write more often my little one. Know that mama, guppy and daddy love you very very much and think of you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
I know it has been a long time since mama wrote to you. I'm sorry little one, time gets away from me these days, I can't believe how fast it flies by. It has been a year and a half since you left us and just over half a year since your little sister joined us. She is so big already! Yesterday she crawled for the first time, she has been trying so hard the past few weeks and finally managed to get it right. Today she seems to have decided that she can get around faster doing this part twirl part moving downward facing dog thing lol. She is such a sweet girl Brennan. Everyday I look at her and am just bursting with thankfulness and happiness, even on the rough days when she refuses to nap (she hates to nap, even as a newborn she was always afraid she would miss something if she slept when I wasn't sleeping). Life has become a wonderful whirl wind of sleepless nights, baby giggles and never ending laundry. I can't help but look into her big blue gray eyes and wonder if yours were the same color. Would you have had her chubby cheeks too? I know God had his reasons for taking you and although I will never understand them, I finally feel at peace with it. Your daddy and I joke that Maura Grace is so easy going and sweet because God wanted to make it up to us. The guppy is beginning to stir, I'll try to write more often my little one. Know that mama, guppy and daddy love you very very much and think of you everyday.
Love always,
Fish
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| Guppy at 7 months |
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| 6 months so happy |
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| Mama Fish and Guppy on father's day |
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Mother to Mother
Dear Minnow,
Spring is in the air, well almost summer really. Either way it seems to be baby season around here. I now have 5 women in my life who are expecting one of which is your auntie Kai!! I am soo thrilled!! Looks like the guppy will have plenty of playmates by next spring. When I was pregnant with your little sister a friend posted a blog a review of all of the baby items she found helpful and the she could have totally gone without. It was extremely helpful! There are just too many babysites out there trying to convince you that you need way more crap than you actually do. Here is my list of the items I found really helpful along with some things I'll switch out next time around. Just remember, every baby is different, my friend's daughter didn't like her swing, it has been a lifesaver with guppy though, like everything in motherhood it's all about trial and error.
Okay here goes the list in no particular order:
Pack N' Play: I've been using ours next to my bed instead of a bassinet, although it's great for traveling it's a bit of a pain in the butt for nursing. Getting out of bed to lift her out of it in the middle of the night stinks and even to check on her or put the binky in her mouth requires dangling off the bed head first (I swear that is how the whole messed up wrist thing started). I would gladly trade in my pack n' play for an arms reach co-sleeper.
Bouncy Seat: You want one of these. I actually have two, we bought one at the moms of multiples consignment sale, it was cute and pink and vibrated but a friend of mine also lent me this one Awesome at first I was like why on earth do I need this one. Turns out most babies like to sleep inclined especially if they have reflux which Guppy did at first. The bouncing is also much more like what they feel in the womb. I literally put the awesome bouncy seat in the pack n play and that is where she slept for the first few weeks. We liked it so much in fact that when we saw the same one at my favorite consignment store for only $20 will bought so we wouldn't have to keep lugging the one we borrowed up and down the stairs for naps. I would say try to find a used one though they are very sturdy and hold up well used.
Playmat: You can't really go wrong with playmats. Guppy has a jungle themed one from fischer price that she loves she also like to lick the elephant that came with it. This is the one she has, I like it because the toys all detach so you can move them around the mat or add other toys. Obviously you don't need a playmat but they're really helpful, I can get things done and she is happy to play on it.
Baby Clothes: Buy them used, especially newborn stuff the first few baby blowouts will ruin those cute going home outfits also if your nursing you might end up with rusty colored spit up on everything (sometimes your nipples bleed at first so the baby spits up milk mixed with blood from your nipples which stains). Another reason to buy used, you might give birth to a nudist like the guppy.
Stroller: I kept saying I didn't want one, I'm really glad I have one. Although I prefer to wear the guppy for small trips, the stroller is great for long walks outside and places like the mall. I have This One and love it. It's beyond easy to push and turn and the wheels are big enough to handle off roading.
Babywearing: I went a little overboard, I bought a moby and a maya ring sling before the guppy was born. I sooner realized that the moby was a pain in the butt yes it worked and she loved it once she was in but it took me so long to tie it that she would scream her head off until she was in it. I still have high hopes for the maya but when the guppy was a newborn it just didn't give enough neck support. A friend of mine introduced me to the hotsling and I was hooked! I love my hotsling it is soo easy and there are a bunch of different positions all of which the guppy loves. I also bought mine used, best $18 I've spent on baby gear.
Baby Bath tub: Don't go overboard, babies r us carries baby spas and expensive baths, don't waste your money on something fancy. I love our little pink bathtub, I think it's fischer price. Ours fits over the kitchen sink which was great when she was little. We got a solid 3 months of use out of it before the guppy's legs got too long and she figured out how to push herself over the bump that is supposed to keep the baby in place. She also started to kick her legs over the sides so we have moved into the big bathtub with a rolled up towel under her head. We will definitely be using it again for the next baby.
Diapers: I love our cloth diapers.We mostly use bumgenius and have a few sunbabies. I totally suggest cloth diapering but make sure you either rent newborn cloth diapers, use prefolds or use disposables for the first 6 weeks. As much as I hate disposables the bumgenius just didn't fit right until 6 weeks.
well I'll add more as they come to me. Nursing gear needs a whole entry of it's own.
love always,
Fish
Spring is in the air, well almost summer really. Either way it seems to be baby season around here. I now have 5 women in my life who are expecting one of which is your auntie Kai!! I am soo thrilled!! Looks like the guppy will have plenty of playmates by next spring. When I was pregnant with your little sister a friend posted a blog a review of all of the baby items she found helpful and the she could have totally gone without. It was extremely helpful! There are just too many babysites out there trying to convince you that you need way more crap than you actually do. Here is my list of the items I found really helpful along with some things I'll switch out next time around. Just remember, every baby is different, my friend's daughter didn't like her swing, it has been a lifesaver with guppy though, like everything in motherhood it's all about trial and error.
Okay here goes the list in no particular order:
Pack N' Play: I've been using ours next to my bed instead of a bassinet, although it's great for traveling it's a bit of a pain in the butt for nursing. Getting out of bed to lift her out of it in the middle of the night stinks and even to check on her or put the binky in her mouth requires dangling off the bed head first (I swear that is how the whole messed up wrist thing started). I would gladly trade in my pack n' play for an arms reach co-sleeper.
Bouncy Seat: You want one of these. I actually have two, we bought one at the moms of multiples consignment sale, it was cute and pink and vibrated but a friend of mine also lent me this one Awesome at first I was like why on earth do I need this one. Turns out most babies like to sleep inclined especially if they have reflux which Guppy did at first. The bouncing is also much more like what they feel in the womb. I literally put the awesome bouncy seat in the pack n play and that is where she slept for the first few weeks. We liked it so much in fact that when we saw the same one at my favorite consignment store for only $20 will bought so we wouldn't have to keep lugging the one we borrowed up and down the stairs for naps. I would say try to find a used one though they are very sturdy and hold up well used.
Playmat: You can't really go wrong with playmats. Guppy has a jungle themed one from fischer price that she loves she also like to lick the elephant that came with it. This is the one she has, I like it because the toys all detach so you can move them around the mat or add other toys. Obviously you don't need a playmat but they're really helpful, I can get things done and she is happy to play on it.
Baby Clothes: Buy them used, especially newborn stuff the first few baby blowouts will ruin those cute going home outfits also if your nursing you might end up with rusty colored spit up on everything (sometimes your nipples bleed at first so the baby spits up milk mixed with blood from your nipples which stains). Another reason to buy used, you might give birth to a nudist like the guppy.
Stroller: I kept saying I didn't want one, I'm really glad I have one. Although I prefer to wear the guppy for small trips, the stroller is great for long walks outside and places like the mall. I have This One and love it. It's beyond easy to push and turn and the wheels are big enough to handle off roading.
Babywearing: I went a little overboard, I bought a moby and a maya ring sling before the guppy was born. I sooner realized that the moby was a pain in the butt yes it worked and she loved it once she was in but it took me so long to tie it that she would scream her head off until she was in it. I still have high hopes for the maya but when the guppy was a newborn it just didn't give enough neck support. A friend of mine introduced me to the hotsling and I was hooked! I love my hotsling it is soo easy and there are a bunch of different positions all of which the guppy loves. I also bought mine used, best $18 I've spent on baby gear.
Baby Bath tub: Don't go overboard, babies r us carries baby spas and expensive baths, don't waste your money on something fancy. I love our little pink bathtub, I think it's fischer price. Ours fits over the kitchen sink which was great when she was little. We got a solid 3 months of use out of it before the guppy's legs got too long and she figured out how to push herself over the bump that is supposed to keep the baby in place. She also started to kick her legs over the sides so we have moved into the big bathtub with a rolled up towel under her head. We will definitely be using it again for the next baby.
Diapers: I love our cloth diapers.We mostly use bumgenius and have a few sunbabies. I totally suggest cloth diapering but make sure you either rent newborn cloth diapers, use prefolds or use disposables for the first 6 weeks. As much as I hate disposables the bumgenius just didn't fit right until 6 weeks.
well I'll add more as they come to me. Nursing gear needs a whole entry of it's own.
love always,
Fish
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Nights Like This
Dear Minnow,
I love nights like this.Your little sister fell asleep in my arms after a long bath full of giggles and splashes and went down in her bassinet without a fight.Your daddy is driving your auntie to her sleepover (there is a teacher work day tomorrow) and for the first time in a very very long time I have the house to myself, with the exception of the sleeping guppy of course. Your daddy is still job searching but I am trying to let go and trust that he will get hired somewhere, I can't afford anymore sleepless nights grinding my teeth and worrying. I'm just going to concentrate on the good things. For a while there I was drowning under all of the diapers and laundry and sleepless nights but I finally feel like I am learning to balance mom me with me me. I realized that I need to make time to workout, to see my friends, to dance, and for theatre.Friday I am going to be teaching my first workshop since the guppy was born. I am really excited to be back in the classroom, if the workshop goes well I might be teaching a drama elective class for them a few hours week next year (assuming your daddy gets a job here). I am really hoping he will find a job somewhere near family, so either here, in New England, North Carolina or Washington. As usual I have absolutely no idea what plans God has in store for our little family, but one thing is for certain, He knows whats best for us. Well my little one, mama can barely keep her eyes open. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
I love nights like this.Your little sister fell asleep in my arms after a long bath full of giggles and splashes and went down in her bassinet without a fight.Your daddy is driving your auntie to her sleepover (there is a teacher work day tomorrow) and for the first time in a very very long time I have the house to myself, with the exception of the sleeping guppy of course. Your daddy is still job searching but I am trying to let go and trust that he will get hired somewhere, I can't afford anymore sleepless nights grinding my teeth and worrying. I'm just going to concentrate on the good things. For a while there I was drowning under all of the diapers and laundry and sleepless nights but I finally feel like I am learning to balance mom me with me me. I realized that I need to make time to workout, to see my friends, to dance, and for theatre.Friday I am going to be teaching my first workshop since the guppy was born. I am really excited to be back in the classroom, if the workshop goes well I might be teaching a drama elective class for them a few hours week next year (assuming your daddy gets a job here). I am really hoping he will find a job somewhere near family, so either here, in New England, North Carolina or Washington. As usual I have absolutely no idea what plans God has in store for our little family, but one thing is for certain, He knows whats best for us. Well my little one, mama can barely keep her eyes open. I love you with all my heart.
Love always,
Fish
Friday, April 6, 2012
Tonight
Dear Minnow,
Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy. I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
Love,
Mama
Things have been very stressful lately little one. Your little sister is a wonderful handful and I love every minute of it. She is currently teething so she has not been her happy self the past few days which makes for one tired and sore mama (she has been using me as a chew toy). Your daddy doesn't have a job right now, he has decided to see if he can get a job doing something different than what he had been doing. I know it's going to take time and in the worse case scenario he can take a job in his old line of work and would be hired very quickly but he hated his old job. He deserves to have a job he loves or at least likes so as scared as it makes me I've got to just go along for the ride and wait it out. I also know too well that getting a job he loves could mean having to relocate. I guess all of this has been piling up because my PTSD has started acting up again. I had my first flash in almost 6 months a few nights ago and have had two more since. I hate the flashes, they feel so real, they are real. I'm right back in those moments, I can feel the linoleum of the hospital floor, see the painting hanging on the wall at my midwife's office, I can smell the perfume of the nurse. The last one was two days after loosing you. Laying in bed unable to face life without you. Every time I have a flash my breathe catches like someone is standing on my chest and I get dizzy. I'm sorry for venting baby girl. I guess I had convinced myself that I had healed but the truth of the matter is I will never fully heal from loosing you and as much as I hate to admit it, PTSD might continue to be part of my life. I miss you so much tonight. I should get some rest before your sister's next feeding. I love you always my minnow.
Love,
Mama
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