Friday, February 25, 2011

Inked

Dear Minnow,
       Hi baby girl. It looks like I have survived another week without you. The week started out pretty rough, I honestly thought I was loosing it little one. I just felt so depressed and alone the first half of the week and I couldn't figure out why after a few weeks of being sad but okay I was suddenly falling into a downward spiral. Then God sent me a sign that I had not in fact gone crazy, I got my period!! I never thought I would be so happy to see blood lol :-).So I wasn't  falling into a depression I was just pmsing .
The drama teacher from my feeder high school finally found me a student assistant to help my middle schoolers this week, guess what the students name is little one? His name is Brennan. Mommy couldn't stop crying but everyone says it must be a sign from you so of course I have to let him be my assistant. I just know it is going to be so hard to now say the things I always thought I would say to you, "Brennan can you get my script", "Brennan can you run lines with the kids", I dreamed I would get to share my passion for theatre with you. Looks like it is God's plan for me to teach this Brennan all I know about theatre. But don't worry minnow, you are always with me and yesterday I finally got your tattoo. It is a mermaid holding a baby in her arms. You are that little baby minnow, and now you will always be safe in my arms. Your daddy doesn't really understand why I needed to get a tattoo for you but I just needed a symbol of you on my skin. I carried you for 21 weeks in my body, now I carry a symbol of you on my body forever. I promise I will post pictures soon. I love you Brennan and I miss you so much! Never forget how much I love you baby girl.
        Love always,
      Fish

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Good Man

Dear Minnow,
   It has been a busy week little one! I had my first rehearsal for Once on This Island on Monday, it feels good to have the ensemble kids back under my wing. I have been teaching many of them for almost three years now, so I think of them as my theatre babys. :-) I recieved two beautiful gifts this week baby girl. I came home on Valentine's day and was missing you so much, just then I saw that Laura at angelbabynames.blogspot had made a picture with your name. It is here on the side of your letters, a graceful mermaid holding a little baby. I couldn't picture holding you minnow, but now I see that picture and it is just so perfect. Juliet told me Friday night that your spirit is a mermaid, mysterious and allusive and so of course you would come back on your own terms in an unbroken body. Laura would have no way of knowing that and yet her picture shows that so beautifully! I am that mermaid holding you baby girl. I will always be holding you and now I can picture it. Thank you Laura so much! Last night I had another melt down. I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before and had been teaching since 7 a.m, between that and more hormones going crazy preparing for my period, I was a mess. I came home and there was a package on the steps from my friends Sara and Kyle in Cali. Sara made us a prayer shall. Each time she worked on it she prayed for you and I minnow. It is so beautiful. I laid on the couch wrapped up in it and cried and prayed. My faith in God has taken such a beating through this. I had been praying that I would feel his presence again and as soon as I wrapped myself in the blanket, I did. Thank you Sara and Kyle, it meant more to me then you will ever know. I love you both!
I had my check up with Resa our midwife on Tuesday. Resa is just wonderful, she is one of the most caring, healing spirits I have ever met and I am so thankful she was with us through all of this. She and I talked about you minnow, it was so hard being back in the same room where we first saw you move and first heard your heartbeat but Resa got me through it like she always does. She said that my first period should come any day now, and from all of the horrible mood swings and pimples I have had this week, it is bound to come soon! She said that after that your daddy and I can start trying for another baby if we want to. That made me realize that I hadn't told you much about your daddy. Your daddy is a good man. There seems to be a stipulation in our society that only men who have important jobs or lots of money, who look like GQ models or serve on the front lines are considered good men. Money and jobs or titles does not make a man good. A good man is one who holds his wife together when she is coming apart at the seams. He wipes her tears when she cries and stands by her when she is feeling pain he can only imagine. He bares the burdens with his partner and carries her load when she cannot. He isn't afraid to buy tampons for you or be caught holding your bright pink purse while you are in the bathroom. He makes you laugh even when you feel like you can't and let's you watch Glee during dinner even though he thinks your a geek for watching it :-) And he loves and misses the daughter he never had a chance to see or touch. Your daddy is a good man Brennan and mommy loves him so much. If your reading this goober, thank you for being such a good man. I love you minnow with all my aching heart.
  Love,
Fish

Monday, February 14, 2011

Miss you

Dear Minnow,
            I had a wonderful weekend and a wonderful day today and yet all of a sudden I find myself in tears thinking of you. I love you my little Valentine.
                        Love,
                      Mommy

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Crunch Time

Dear Minnow,
      Well baby girl, it is time for mommy to get her butt back in shape! I gained 10 pounds in the 20 weeks you were in my belly, I swear at least 5pounds of that I gained in my boobs which your father is a fan of. Tuesday I had my check up at the hospital and was given the all clear to go back to working out so I went straight to the gym and changed my membership to the branch that is closer to our house, something I meant to do when we moved here in September but after the first threatened miscarriage I was too scared to workout. I have been doing gentle yoga all week and today went to my first body flow class since the pregnancy (body flow is 20 mins of tai chi, 20 mins of pilates and 20 mins of yoga). It felt wonderful! Although my abs are already aching, you know what they say no pain no gain :-). I have already dropped 3 pounds! This week has been very busy but also good. Between the start of the new quarter, rehearsals for the school play and the start of rehearsals for the spring musical at the theatre company life, has been a whirl wind. Tomorrow after school I have to take Wrigley to the vet. It will certainly be entertaining to see what the vet thinks about how talkative Wrigs is lol. Wrigley just seems to have a lot to say, about everything, all of the time unless of course he is being held  lol. Daddy and I are going out Saturday night to  celebrate Valentine's Day early since I have rehearsal on Monday. Lately have been searching for things to look forward to. Its hard when you spend 5 months looking forward to something only to have it taken away, honestly though, had been looking forward to having you all my life. Sometimes I feel like all the hope in my life disappeared with you. I just keep searching for hope. I love you minnow with all my heart!
           Love,
         Fish

Sunday, February 6, 2011

New

Dear Minnow,
         You have a new cousin little one! I guess I never told you but mommy's cousins (who she thinks of more like sisters) were both pregnant before you we had you. We all seemed to be one trimester behind the other. When I got pregnant with you Addy was in her 3rd trimester and was Ruth in her 2nd trimester.Your auntie Addy had a baby girl in November and your auntie Ruth had her little girl a month early just the other day. :-) Both are very cute, dark haired, chubby cheeked little ones. It makes me wonder if you had the same little nose they have or the same chubby cheeks.I had a good week minnow, which was nice for a change. This week was the start of the 3rd quarter at the middle school so I have two new classes of 7th graders. I thought I would hate having to get to know a whole new batch of kids when I had already grown so attached to my old 7th graders but it has actually been kind of fun to see all of the new personalities. My 8th grade class stays the same through the rest of the year. They just finished up making their own music videos which were absolutely hilarious. I am so proud of them, they finally seem to understand how to have fun and be goofy with their projects without loosing sight of the learning goals and rubric I set up for them. Gina came over last night and took some pictures for me. I will post them when she is finished editing them. Your daddy doesn't really understand them but they're kind of my way of expressing how I feel without you. I needed a picture I could hang on the wall to show you were here,to show how you've changed me. I wish I could have seen you little one. I wonder if I will always long to see your face, to feel the weight of you in my arms. I miss you so much it hurts baby girl, but I know you are in a wonderful place and feeling no pain. Please don't forget me minnow. Your mommy loves you with all her heart!
        Love always,
          Fish

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Little Things

Dear Minnow,
       Another week has gone by little one. I have decided to try to focus on the good in life, on the little moments each day when I feel happy again. So far it has been harder than I thought. My mind keeps replaying the horrible moments, the look on your daddy's face after the doctor told him you wouldn't make it, waking up from surgery and crying out for you, being asked when we were going to have a baby by someone who didn't know we lost you. I keep reliving them in my mind but my heart needs something to cling to, so I have to start remembering the good in each day, that there is still good in each day. So here are some good things that have happened in the past few days, Sunday was your grandma-ma's birthday so your dad and I had dinner with his family. It felt so good to see everyone, we talked about you in a happy, loving way and it made mommy smile. Your grandma and Aunt Dianne kept refilling my wine glass so mommy got a little tipsy for the first time since before you were conceived. Yesterday was a good day, I had a teacher workday at school, had a meeting with the principal about how I wanted to list my drama classes for next year, then I had breakfast with a few of the other teachers. I went back to the tv studio to work on voting sheets and invitations for the Oscar party I am throwing in my 8th grade class and there sitting on the table was a pot of beautiful red flowers and a card from all of the other teachers saying how sorry they were for our loss. I thought it was very sweet. Then I went to the thrift store across the street and got a brand new pair of Banana Republic jeans and a brand new pleated jean skirt for ridiculously cheap! And the best part? They are both my pre- pregnancy size and fit great! Today I had a drama teacher in-service, it was nice to talk with the other drama teachers and now I am going to cuddle with Wrigley,  and maybe bake a cake (it'll destroy my plan to get back in shape but at least it will make your dad happy). I love you my little minnow.
      Love always,
   Fish