Dear Minnow,
Looks like we have another long week of waiting ahead of us little one. The genetic counselor called today and told us that the sample of amniotic fluid they sent to the lab didn't have enough of your cells in it. The good news is that the cells from the CVS have finally grown enough to be tested so they were sent to the lab today. We won't find out until the mid to end of next week how much information your chromosomes are missing. I can't take this waiting anymore. It is ripping me apart. My heartbreaks every time I think about the possibility that you might not make it or might have mental disabilities and you will never be able to read this. Oh baby girl, I love you so much. I know I need to trust in the timing of God's results but I feel like we are dieing a slow death. My hope is dieing a slow death. I love you so much minnow. Please be okay little one. Mommy needs you to be okay.
Love,
Fish
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
Dear Minnow,
Merry Christmas little one. Mommy's belly has really grown this week and you are finally starting to show through. I have to admit that it is nice to show off the bump, people finally look at me like I am pregnant and not just fat. :-) We have spent the past few days spoiling your aunt MK and eating way too much with your aunts and uncles on your daddy's side (his family LOVES to eat!!). Needless to say you have been well fed minnow. Mommy's Church from home dedicated their Christmas Eve service to you minnow. They all prayed for you to be okay and for God to send us a miracle. I am so scared baby girl, I am praying so hard that we will finally get some good news and you will be here to celebrate Jesus' birthday with us next year. I have been waking up in the middle of the night worrying and find myself praying the same thing over and over again: Please God, hear our prayer, please send us a miracle, please let Brennan be okay, please don't take her from me. I know God will get us through whatever happens, I trust in his plan for us but I pray that it is his plan to save you. Mommy and daddy love you so much minnow, more than anyone will ever know. Merry Christmas my little one.
Love,
Fish
Merry Christmas little one. Mommy's belly has really grown this week and you are finally starting to show through. I have to admit that it is nice to show off the bump, people finally look at me like I am pregnant and not just fat. :-) We have spent the past few days spoiling your aunt MK and eating way too much with your aunts and uncles on your daddy's side (his family LOVES to eat!!). Needless to say you have been well fed minnow. Mommy's Church from home dedicated their Christmas Eve service to you minnow. They all prayed for you to be okay and for God to send us a miracle. I am so scared baby girl, I am praying so hard that we will finally get some good news and you will be here to celebrate Jesus' birthday with us next year. I have been waking up in the middle of the night worrying and find myself praying the same thing over and over again: Please God, hear our prayer, please send us a miracle, please let Brennan be okay, please don't take her from me. I know God will get us through whatever happens, I trust in his plan for us but I pray that it is his plan to save you. Mommy and daddy love you so much minnow, more than anyone will ever know. Merry Christmas my little one.
Love,
Fish
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Let it be
Dear Minnow,
Friday the genetic counselor, Mary a.ka, the barer of bad news called. She is a very nice woman and I am grateful for how compassionate she has been through this whole thing, she just sadly has the job of relaying all of the findings from the lab to us and so far most of the findings have been bad. She told us on Friday that the cells they were growing from the CVS for the next test were growing very slowly and may be contaminated from my cells, so long story short, you and I got to enjoy yet another needle in the stomach yesterday. Thankfully the amniocentesis was not quite as bad as the CVS was although the doctor had to push very very hard to get enough fluid which has mommy feeling like she took a folding chair to the side WWF style. We got to see you up on the screen during the procedure, you were squirming all around and laying upside down again, the doctors had to push on my stomach to get you to change positions, at which point you would simply roll over and play with your toes. We should find out how much information your little chromosomes are missing or have duplicated sometime next week. For now I am trying to push it out of my mind and enjoy our first Christmas together, please God, please don't let it be our last together. I love you my little minnow. I am trying to have hope but I am so scared that I will only be hurt again and have to say goodbye to you all over again. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am young and that your daddy and I will have lots of other babies, I don't want another baby, I want you minnow!! I want to hold you so badly and the thought that June will come without you hurts so badly. You are so strong baby, so much stronger than your mama. I am praying for you minnow. Know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and think about you every minute of everyday.
Love,
Fish
Friday the genetic counselor, Mary a.ka, the barer of bad news called. She is a very nice woman and I am grateful for how compassionate she has been through this whole thing, she just sadly has the job of relaying all of the findings from the lab to us and so far most of the findings have been bad. She told us on Friday that the cells they were growing from the CVS for the next test were growing very slowly and may be contaminated from my cells, so long story short, you and I got to enjoy yet another needle in the stomach yesterday. Thankfully the amniocentesis was not quite as bad as the CVS was although the doctor had to push very very hard to get enough fluid which has mommy feeling like she took a folding chair to the side WWF style. We got to see you up on the screen during the procedure, you were squirming all around and laying upside down again, the doctors had to push on my stomach to get you to change positions, at which point you would simply roll over and play with your toes. We should find out how much information your little chromosomes are missing or have duplicated sometime next week. For now I am trying to push it out of my mind and enjoy our first Christmas together, please God, please don't let it be our last together. I love you my little minnow. I am trying to have hope but I am so scared that I will only be hurt again and have to say goodbye to you all over again. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am young and that your daddy and I will have lots of other babies, I don't want another baby, I want you minnow!! I want to hold you so badly and the thought that June will come without you hurts so badly. You are so strong baby, so much stronger than your mama. I am praying for you minnow. Know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and think about you every minute of everyday.
Love,
Fish
Friday, December 17, 2010
My Little Fighter
Dear minnow,
We had an appointment with Risa the midwife this morning. I was certain you had left us baby girl but there was your little heartbeat. You are so small my little minnow but your heart beat was good. Risa was worried because you were not moving at first but then you gave us a little wiggle and kicked your feet so we could see. Risa said that you are developing very slowly and there is just no way to know if you will make it to June. We are still waiting to see what the chromosome scan says. Mommy is praying that your chromosomes are not missing important information and that you will live but mommy also knows that God has a plan and that he will help us through whatever that plan is. You are so strong little one, you have fought so hard from the very beginning. It is alright if you want to rest baby, it is okay if you want to be with God. I am so worried that you are fighting to stay alive just to make mommy happy, so that she will not be alone. It is my job to take care of you minnow, please don't worry about me. I will love you no matter what happens. You will always be my baby, my special special little minnow.
I will love you always,
Fish
We had an appointment with Risa the midwife this morning. I was certain you had left us baby girl but there was your little heartbeat. You are so small my little minnow but your heart beat was good. Risa was worried because you were not moving at first but then you gave us a little wiggle and kicked your feet so we could see. Risa said that you are developing very slowly and there is just no way to know if you will make it to June. We are still waiting to see what the chromosome scan says. Mommy is praying that your chromosomes are not missing important information and that you will live but mommy also knows that God has a plan and that he will help us through whatever that plan is. You are so strong little one, you have fought so hard from the very beginning. It is alright if you want to rest baby, it is okay if you want to be with God. I am so worried that you are fighting to stay alive just to make mommy happy, so that she will not be alone. It is my job to take care of you minnow, please don't worry about me. I will love you no matter what happens. You will always be my baby, my special special little minnow.
I will love you always,
Fish
Monday, December 13, 2010
Praying for a Miracle
Dear Minnow,
My dear little minnow. Your daddy and I recieved the final results from the CVS. They are not good little one. There are abnormalities on the bottoms of your 16th and 17th chromosomes. The doctors said that those results along with your jaw most likely means that your chromosomes are missing important information. Our only hope is that your father or I have the same mismatched chromosomes, which would mean you probably are not missing information since he and I are fine. But baby girl, the doctors don't think that is the case. We are praying for a miracle but God already sent us a miracle by saving you when we thought I had miscarried, I am afraid he has run out of miracles for us. The doctor is going to continue to grow your chromosomes to see how much information is missing. The chances of us loosing you keep getting higher and higher. I feel like God has abandoned us minnow. Your daddy is being strong for you because mommy can't be strong anymore. Mommy is doing all she can just to get through the days. Minnow please forgive me. God please forgive me. No matter what minnow you will always be my daughter and your daddy and I will always love you. Please little minnow ask God for a miracle, maybe he will hear you.
Love,
Mommy
My dear little minnow. Your daddy and I recieved the final results from the CVS. They are not good little one. There are abnormalities on the bottoms of your 16th and 17th chromosomes. The doctors said that those results along with your jaw most likely means that your chromosomes are missing important information. Our only hope is that your father or I have the same mismatched chromosomes, which would mean you probably are not missing information since he and I are fine. But baby girl, the doctors don't think that is the case. We are praying for a miracle but God already sent us a miracle by saving you when we thought I had miscarried, I am afraid he has run out of miracles for us. The doctor is going to continue to grow your chromosomes to see how much information is missing. The chances of us loosing you keep getting higher and higher. I feel like God has abandoned us minnow. Your daddy is being strong for you because mommy can't be strong anymore. Mommy is doing all she can just to get through the days. Minnow please forgive me. God please forgive me. No matter what minnow you will always be my daughter and your daddy and I will always love you. Please little minnow ask God for a miracle, maybe he will hear you.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Hanging on
Dear Minnow,
I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately. We got the preliminary results from the CVS, you do not have Trisonomy 13, 18 or Downs Syndrome. I am so thankful to God for that, but unfortunately they still have to test for 30 other chromosomal abnormalities. Mommy is very scared. I just want to hold you in my arms baby girl. I don't want to let you go. Can't we just tell the doctors to shove the rest of the results and the rest of their tests and just have you? That is what mommy wants. Daddy is also scared though and wants to know as much information as he can. This week has been so hard on us and I am sure you are feeling mommy's stomach all tied up in knots. Did you know that in a week or so I will start to be able to feel you moving in there? On the ultrasounds you are always dancing around, I can't wait to feel all your swimming minnow! Please be okay minnow. We want you to grow up as our little girl so badly. We are all praying so hard that the test comes back normal and that your jaw will be okay. Please baby girl, my little minnow, please be okay. I love you so much!
Love,
Fish
I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately. We got the preliminary results from the CVS, you do not have Trisonomy 13, 18 or Downs Syndrome. I am so thankful to God for that, but unfortunately they still have to test for 30 other chromosomal abnormalities. Mommy is very scared. I just want to hold you in my arms baby girl. I don't want to let you go. Can't we just tell the doctors to shove the rest of the results and the rest of their tests and just have you? That is what mommy wants. Daddy is also scared though and wants to know as much information as he can. This week has been so hard on us and I am sure you are feeling mommy's stomach all tied up in knots. Did you know that in a week or so I will start to be able to feel you moving in there? On the ultrasounds you are always dancing around, I can't wait to feel all your swimming minnow! Please be okay minnow. We want you to grow up as our little girl so badly. We are all praying so hard that the test comes back normal and that your jaw will be okay. Please baby girl, my little minnow, please be okay. I love you so much!
Love,
Fish
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Still Hurting
Dear Minnow,
Mommy and daddy aren't giving up hope yet, although hope is really hard to come by these days. Emily Dickinson said that Hope is a thing with feathers, maybe our hope has already flown away but I am doing everything I can to catch it. Today we met with a genetic counselor, unfortunately she couldn't tell us much of anything except that there is only a small chance that you have a chromosomal abnormality (which is a good thing, we don't want you to have one of those) but that they wanted to test anyways. So the doctor put a really long needle through mommy's belly and into her uterus to take a sample from the placenta. The procedure hurt really badly and mommy may have swore a bit in the process. On Monday we will find out a few preliminary findings, just whether or not you have Trisonomy 13, 18 or 21 (13 and 18 are very very bad and 21 is downs syndrome). We will have to wait another week for to find out about the others. The bad news is that even if you test negative for chromosomal abnormalities you could still have one of over 60 different syndromes, some of which are so horrible baby. For now your Auntie Gina is keeping us company and your Auntie Amanda bought a plane ticket as soon as she heard and is flying down tomorrow night for the weekend. They are amazing friends, I hope you get to meet them. They love you baby. Minnow please get better, mommy and daddy love you so much and just want you to be okay and join us in June. Mommy has never hurt so badly inside, she wonders if she will ever smile again. Please minnow, there are so many people praying for you. I just pray God hears them, he doesn't seem to be hearing me. Please be okay, please come be my baby. Please don't leave me.
Love always,
Fish
Mommy and daddy aren't giving up hope yet, although hope is really hard to come by these days. Emily Dickinson said that Hope is a thing with feathers, maybe our hope has already flown away but I am doing everything I can to catch it. Today we met with a genetic counselor, unfortunately she couldn't tell us much of anything except that there is only a small chance that you have a chromosomal abnormality (which is a good thing, we don't want you to have one of those) but that they wanted to test anyways. So the doctor put a really long needle through mommy's belly and into her uterus to take a sample from the placenta. The procedure hurt really badly and mommy may have swore a bit in the process. On Monday we will find out a few preliminary findings, just whether or not you have Trisonomy 13, 18 or 21 (13 and 18 are very very bad and 21 is downs syndrome). We will have to wait another week for to find out about the others. The bad news is that even if you test negative for chromosomal abnormalities you could still have one of over 60 different syndromes, some of which are so horrible baby. For now your Auntie Gina is keeping us company and your Auntie Amanda bought a plane ticket as soon as she heard and is flying down tomorrow night for the weekend. They are amazing friends, I hope you get to meet them. They love you baby. Minnow please get better, mommy and daddy love you so much and just want you to be okay and join us in June. Mommy has never hurt so badly inside, she wonders if she will ever smile again. Please minnow, there are so many people praying for you. I just pray God hears them, he doesn't seem to be hearing me. Please be okay, please come be my baby. Please don't leave me.
Love always,
Fish
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Is this goodbye?
Dear Minnow,
We went to the hospital for a level II ultrasound yesterday. We were there for so long, sitting in a waiting room full of very happy, very pregnant women. We watched you on the screen for a long time, as before you would not behave. The sonographer said that she thinks you might be a girl minnow, but she was very concerned with your chin. She left for a while to try to get you to settle down and lay in the right position. When she came back you behaved for a minute and she was able to get pictures of your profile and face. Baby girl, it looks like you barely have chin at all and that one of your legs is hyper extended. The doctor at the hospital said it could be one of two pages of syndromes or chromosomal issues, most of which include some form of mental disability. All we can do is try to get a CVS done this week before you are too big to do one to rule out the chromosomal malformations, but it could still be one of the completely mentally and physically debilitating syndromes. They want to know if we want to end the pregnancy and say goodbye to you. Mommy doesn't know what to do. Mommy's heart is breaking so badly, she feels like she has already lost you. Daddy is so scared. What do we do minnow? A life without a mind of your own, without communication or the ability to walk isn't a life I want for you but how can I justify ending the life God put inside me? The life he saved from miscarriage? Minnow please show mommy and daddy what to do. Please grow a jaw, please be a normal chubby happy baby. Please be my daughter. God please help us. I can't do this alone. Minnow please, please show the doctors what is wrong so we will know what to do. I still love you no matter what. Please grow.
love,
Fish
We went to the hospital for a level II ultrasound yesterday. We were there for so long, sitting in a waiting room full of very happy, very pregnant women. We watched you on the screen for a long time, as before you would not behave. The sonographer said that she thinks you might be a girl minnow, but she was very concerned with your chin. She left for a while to try to get you to settle down and lay in the right position. When she came back you behaved for a minute and she was able to get pictures of your profile and face. Baby girl, it looks like you barely have chin at all and that one of your legs is hyper extended. The doctor at the hospital said it could be one of two pages of syndromes or chromosomal issues, most of which include some form of mental disability. All we can do is try to get a CVS done this week before you are too big to do one to rule out the chromosomal malformations, but it could still be one of the completely mentally and physically debilitating syndromes. They want to know if we want to end the pregnancy and say goodbye to you. Mommy doesn't know what to do. Mommy's heart is breaking so badly, she feels like she has already lost you. Daddy is so scared. What do we do minnow? A life without a mind of your own, without communication or the ability to walk isn't a life I want for you but how can I justify ending the life God put inside me? The life he saved from miscarriage? Minnow please show mommy and daddy what to do. Please grow a jaw, please be a normal chubby happy baby. Please be my daughter. God please help us. I can't do this alone. Minnow please, please show the doctors what is wrong so we will know what to do. I still love you no matter what. Please grow.
love,
Fish
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